Kito Soma

Growing Up

2011-10-24T06:19:00.003-04:00

I'm single.
You know what? It's not so bad. It's time we start growing up, both you and I.
I'm getting stronger with every post to this silly blog, and I'm sure you can see it too. It's been ten months since I've had a PTSD episode, and I haven't been upset about my ex-partner even once this year. I've held on tight, and for the most part, I've emerged unscathed.

My boyfriend and I just mutually (hardly) decided that we shouldn't be an item anymore. Why you ask? Because we all need to grow the hell up. Guys, I understand I'm a needy individual, and that's perfectly okay. But at the same time, intimacy or romance should not be a twice a month kinda deal. That's not a relationship I want to keep. I want to hold, kiss, and enjoy the company of my partner. This relationship, although I made some mistakes here and there, really makes me feel like I wasn't in the wrong.

I catered to my partner's needs as best as I could. I cared for him and did whatever I could with little to no notice. I held him while he was sick and literally nursed him back to health for days. I realize that there really wasn't anything else I can do. He simply did not want to be with me, because I was around so much, and the commitment for life scared him.

But I'm okay! I cried for the first few days, and I put my big boy pants back on. I wiped the tears away and pulled myself back onto my feet. I'm not going to follow my mistakes in the past, and I will push forward. I've been more productive this weekend that I have been in almost a year. I've seen more friends that mean so much to me, and even had time for a date.

Why was this time so much easier than my previous long-term breakups with my ex-partner and my Jewbu ex-boyfriend, whereas those times I was nearly paralyzed from the thought of life? Am I growing desensitized to emotional pain? Maybe those ~~relationships~~ people had a stronger impact on me?

All I know, is it's time to grow up, and I'm certainly not waiting for anyone anymore.

Braving the Past

2011-09-26T21:37:00.000-04:00

It’s true that sometime in our lives, we experience trials and tribulation, both good and bad that we tend to reflect on for years at a time. Why do we do this? Simply because it meant so much to you, regardless of whether it was a first kiss with someone in a new relationship, or they were physically harmed. But we continue to move forward, and reflecting on the past only makes us stronger in the future. It doesn't mean we “live” in the past, and it doesn't have to be everything we talk about. For the most part it stretches to our core, teaching us lessons either to repeat again with others, or to avoid in the future. Whether it’s caring for an ill loved one, or keeping your hands to yourself, it will help you be prepared for the situations you find yourself in.

I strive to be a better person when I look at my past. If you’re read my blog, then it’s safe to say that you should at least understand some of what I’m talking about. I have grown so far, and to this day I’m in the longest unbroken relationship of my life, consistently thinking of a subject I’ve never openly discussed before; Building a family. If I failed to look at the past, where would I have been? Maybe allowing someone to put their hands on me, or maybe being unsure of what to do when my boyfriend was in a terrible situation and needed my help.

I strongly believe that love never dulls and never fades. I don’t understand why I feel like the only person out there that genuinely forgives others for pretty much anything. To this day, if any of my ex’s contacted me asking for help, regardless of what happened between them and I, I would stand up and support them.There is no reason I should feel labeled weird or outcast because I decided to care about everyone around me (and not just friends), so why put me in such a category?

In my relationships, I am a stronger person. In my work, I am someone to count on. In my life, I’m willing to stand up for others. I’m here to make a stand and tell everyone that we should not fear our past, we should cherish it, and reflect on it often. Isnt everyone tired of being so scared and cold?

Legal & Legal

2011-06-12T23:56:00.002-04:00

Over the past twenty-one years I've used a name that I was embarrassed, my birth name that is. Forced to use it in job settings at several major companies, Disney being the most cruel in its use. I am proud to say that as of June 6th, 2011, my name is now legally Kito. I've started to turn the cogs in my life to become the person I desire to be along with that name change. I refuse to back down whether it's school, work, or in my personal life. I will press on, and this is just the beginning.

I turned twenty-one in March, and ever since I have worked harder than ever. I have a boyfriend named Stuart who I've been with for almost five months officially now and love very much. I live with him on the weekends in the middle of North-Central Florida, and can't imagine myself without him.

When it comes to work, I've tried my hardest to be confident in what I do. I work in a large Technical Support Department, and after nine months of stressful callers I decided to try and move up from here. Last week I applied for a transfer to the server department to push the limits of what I can do. I've gotten to the point were everything in my daily work is quickly becoming mundane and boring. Hopefully I'll see a change right around the corner.

Until then.

Slowing Down

2011-02-10T19:54:00.002-05:00

Winter this year was rather, how should I put it? Very much like Winter should be for once. I'm so used to living in Florida, having maybe a week or two of cold weather, then everything seems to warm right back up. This year's been different however, and the season has gripped the country with force. As you may have read, I support businesses within an IT company. When it becomes too cold, companies send their employees home, which in turn puts me out of work to do throughout my day.

At work, things have calmed down quite a bit since the last time I wrote an entry. I've been more content with my job, and enjoy what I'm doing. I've noticed my skill with troubleshooting issues has gone up tremendously. Now when someone calls in and says they have a 0x007B error, I know it's an Unmountable Boot Error, or if they get a 2000-0142 error code in diagnostics, it's a failed HDD. I'm not planning on leaving my current company for quite a while, but I do admit it is no where near as challenging as the job had been for me months ago. I have colleagues I enjoy talking to every day, some of which I would be as bold as to call them friends. I enjoy the little parts of my day, like that first cup of coffee or when I have a minute to breathe between cases. I've even started studying for the MCITP exam, with which my salary could double. When it comes to school, I only have two math classes left until I finish my Associate in Arts Degree for Information Technology, which I will be completing this fall most likely.

I've found a nice guy recently named Stuart that I've been really slow with. We've been talking online, going on dates, and watching some anime together. We already made plans on Valentine's day to build his new computer, talk about romantic for a nerd like myself. I can't wait for Monday when we can spend that time together. We haven't officially given each other any title or anything, which is alright with me. All I know, is I wish to continue to spend time with him.

Subjective Success

2010-10-11T03:17:00.000-04:00

It seems a few more months have gone by, which means it's probably time to write a new blog entry for all my lurkers out there. Amazingly, or maybe not, many things have happened since my last entry. Do you ever read back on things you write and just think to yourself, how did everything get to where I'm at now? Three months ago I was at Disney with little to no direction in my life, in the hospital just waiting to hear a possible death sentence from a doctor. Yet since that time, I've acquired two jobs and blown through several relationships or relationship possibilities. Odd how life and karma seem to function.

If you look at my last post, I was head-over-heels for Alejandro, yet now it seems we don't even talk anymore. I had just started working at Crispers, yet it was just today that I called in and said I don't want to work for their company anymore. A month ago, I was offered a job at [Insert Major Corporation Here], and now make more money than what I know what to do with working all week long in my lonely little cubicle, supporting business users with their computers. If you had told me a few months ago everything I've written in this paragraph, I would have laughed for hours and thrown in a Miss Cleo joke for good measure.

But despite being labeled 'successful' by many people around me, I feel horrible. I feel lost at work, everyone around me ranging in such drastic levels of experience. The guy across from me quit the first day after training because he didn't realize how difficult it would be, yet the guy a few seats down could tell you down to registry key on why your computer doesn't work. I'm at work for nine hours daily, excluding the hour long round drive, with one hour of lunch thrown somewhere in that mess. I believe that 'success' is such a subjective word, as I don't feel the same at all.

Despite everything going so right, things pertaining to other areas of my life seem to be going so wrong. Last month I broke down three times about Steve, a relationship that closed it's chapter over three years ago. I feel gradually isolated from my friends and peers, and I'm so used to being taking advantage of when dating that I'm skiddish to become closer to anyone by turning down dates and even the opportunity to be a boyfriend.

The idea that you never realize what you love until it's gone is applying more than ever in my life. I miss the people I spent my world's yesterday with more than ever. I miss talking to those select few that know every waking detail about me as a person. I just want to grip their hand and feel warm again, but sadly a winter is coming in more ways than one.

Every day I drive to work for that hour long routine, and there's always one emotion on my mind: Regret.

Alej?

2010-07-09T01:42:00.005-04:00

As more months go by, the time seems right for, you guessed it, another blog post! One of these days I am positive I will be able to sit down and write something that doesn't make you want to jump off a bridge, but unfortunately today, like almost all the other posts in this ridiculous recollection, is not very positive.

May 19th was the day were I was promised my life would change for the better, and as far as I could tell they were right! I had been accepted into the Walt Disney World College Program for the Fall Advantage session which runs from May 2010 to January 2011. I had been assigned the role of transportation, which I later found out was Monorail Operations. To me, this sounded like a dream job where I could utilize the monorail computers and maybe find a way to the professional internship program for Information Technology. I gladly accepted this position while I was dating Andrew in February.

Around the time I was leaving to go to Disney, I had been apart from Andrew for almost two months, and during that time I had become close with my friend I noted in previous blogs Alejandro. I was starting to really grow on him from something I didn't even think was there. I started sleeping over at his house, and after a while I started to hug him more than a friend, and eventually start with the soft intimate kisses I've grown to love. At this point in time I was confused what was going on, but I knew for sure I liked him. The time to leave for Disney was arriving quickly, and the thought to date Alejandro crossed my mind. I decided to push that thought off to the side, scared of another long distance relationship messing up.

A few weeks later I was invited to a send off party in Southwest Ranches, Florida about four hours south of Tampa by a guy named Zackery. He was so sweet and just as excited as I was about going to Disney. I slept over at his house for the weekend, and with the exception of drama from unimportant people, it turned out fantastic. Zack and I started hugging and kissing during the weekend, and eventually, we agreed to date as he would be living in my apartment complex in Orlando.

On my way home from Southwest Ranches, I called Alejandro and told him about Zack and I starting to date. Alej was notably upset but pretended it didn't bother him much over the phone. We got off the phone, and I listened to my music for a while in the car, thinking about everything. After an hour or so went by, I gave Alej a call again to see how he was doing. This time he didn't hide that he was upset. That's when my chest became tight and regret began to sink in. I drove to his apartments and held him for literally hours as we were both upset. The next day was no better, when he was upset at work as well, so I once again went to comfort him for a few hours.

I had made a huge mistake, one that still puts me through pain as I type this. I realized that I loved Alej, and how everything I had wanted was right here in Tampa with him. After a day or two longer, I split my relationship with Zack citing long distance issues with our relationship and maybe we could try again in Orlando, but that would never happen.

Things started going back to normal with Alej and I. We were once again hugging, kissing, and sleeping in the same bed. Everything felt okay again and I grew ever closer to him. He, Joe, and James helped me pack up for Disney the day before my arrival date, and again all seemed well. I checked in and went through the orientation and traditions class. I was then assigned to my apartment and to my work location at the monorails. I would typically work five days a week and then have two days off at a time. Every single day I had off while I was in the Disney College Program I drove an hour and a half each way from Orlando to Tampa just to see Alejandro.

After about a month into the program my feelings started to change about things drastically. All I could think about was Alejandro and when we would spend time together next. I also thought about how much I was starting to dislike Disney. Disney forced me to use my legal name rather than the name I've been using for half a decade, worked me in shifts that were the legal minimum of eight hours apart back to back, prohibited me from wearing my Buddhist mala, found out Disney outsourced most of their IT jobs reducing my internship chances, and paying $360/month to share a room in an apartment with five other people. I was starting to feel homesick and lonely in Orlando and just wanted to go back home.

A month into the internship I asked Alejandro to be my boyfriend, and he told me he couldn't give me an answer at the moment. We kept hugging, kissing, being intimate, and basically everything that would constitute a relationship. Was I wrong to assume that he wanted to be with me? Two weeks passed and I was resting my head on him while laying down on his bed and I brought the question up again. This time he told me "I think it would be best if we were just friends". I didn't understand this response at all. Had we not been so close these past weeks? But still nothing changed. I kept sleeping over at his place holding him in my arms while I slept, kissing him, as if nothing had changed.

A week later I was at work when my heart rate accelerated dangerously high for over five minutes. An ambulance was called and I was rushed to the hospital. After five hours of being watched by doctors I was released. They said I had a severe potassium deficiency, likely from sweating it all out on the job which caused heart palpitations. I was sent home and given an entire work week off. During that entire time I recovered at Alejandro's house. When I got there he stopped embracing me or being too affectionate, and by the end of the week, he had stopped kissing me. His reasoning was he "was sick" and didn't feel like it, so I thought nothing of it.

That weekend I had decided it was time for me to come back to Tampa where I belong. I started looking for a job and found one within a few days at a salad restaurant. The next week I said goodbye to my friends and allowed my family in the parks for the last time. I walked to the commons office and terminated myself, turning in my last belongings to head home. When I arrived at Alej's, now he had stopped even hugging me often or being a little affectionate.

Over the past week and weekend we have spent time together, but it hurts more with every day. Alej states that the main reason why he won't date me is because I dated Zack for those few days. I have stood by his side every single day I've had available and at this point I don't know what to do. I don't want to just be friends as it would just break me slowly. What kills me is there is absolutely no way I can make this situation better. If someone loves you, why would they reject to be with you downright? Until then I sit here numb towards relationships. All I can do is leave him alone.

Lost for Words

2010-03-31T05:35:00.003-04:00

I never claimed to be perfect, and as any human would, I make mistakes. I also don't claim to be right all of the time, so as a disclaimer, this blog is entirely from my own perception and may be wrong completely. A little over a week ago, Andrew and I broke up on St. Patrick's day. Just as with all of our other problems in our past, it was a result of a communication error, which doesn't surprise me in the least bit. I received a call while I was at Starbucks with Nikki and Alejandro, two of a few friends I recently started spending time with on a regular basis. Andrew sounded very upset, and quickly told me he thought it would be best if we took a break. Hearing this, I had assumed "taking a break" meant breaking up completely and became very upset and embarrassed as my friends heard and watched the entire scene unfold.

I was upset and hurt, and was not expecting it in the least bit. I said okay and hung up the phone (only later would he tell me that he had asked me to call him back at a later date, which I don't remember hearing). At this point I was embarrassed in front of all my friends and doing all I could not to cry. They invited me to go to a restaurant called the "Tilted Kilt" on Dale Mabry to celebrate the holiday and hopefully feel a bit better. Nikki's husband joined us with a few of his friends, and for the first hour we just stood around talking in the bar area. I had talked to Cari (one of my best friend's) through text and invited her to meet us there.

Cari came within a few minutes and we were seated to our table. I briefly talked to her what happened, and let her know I was a little upset, but put on a game face so I wouldn't spoil anyone else's good time. That's when the trouble began to happen. Alej started rubbing my knee under the table to try and cheer me up, nothing promiscuous or sexual in nature about it. Cari seeing this said "Wow, you're already over Andrew? That was fast." That was strike one for me, and I tried harder not to cry at all. As the meal went by, I couldn't help but notice that Cari was texting an awful lot. Peering closer to her phone, the words "Andrew" read clear. Strike two for Cari, as I was already feeling horrible to begin with.

We finished up our meals and were having a good time. Nikki, Cari, Alej, and I started walking towards the door to leave. As we stepped outside, Cari looked at Alej and I who happened to be parked in the same area. She slowly said "Don't do anything stupid tonight" and eyed Alej up and down and then glanced back at me. That was strike three, I briefly said bye and I walked to my car as quick as I could. I was upset, and my best friend had done nothing to help me, and in fact made the situation even more painful.

Later the next day I was starting to think maybe I was overreacting that that Cari was there for me. I checked my facebook and hers, where it said she commented on Andrew's relationship status where she wrote something along the lines of "If you need anyone to talk to, you have my number". At this point I was feeling a little betrayed that my best friend that has supported me for years, suddenly didn't care about me, but went out of her way for my now ex.

I talked to Cari and told her I was upset laster on. At first she responded saying that she was sorry for hurting my feelings, which I forgave. But then, not ten minutes later she started saying that she did nothing wrong. I told Cari I needed some time away from her for the time being.

After a full week, Andrew contacted me saying he was coming to Tampa and that he wanted to come by and pick up his stuff that Friday (last Friday from this post). When he came buy he sat on my bed and we talked for over an hour (or maybe I should say I listened to Andrew tell me how inadequate and crappy boyfriend I am for an hour), and after holding it in for a week, I finally just let it all go and cried. After the discussion he then took his fridge, his chair, his computer adapters, his shoes, and every jacket except one as I don't have any jackets myself. My room feels empty, which matches how I had been feeling emotionally for some time now.

The problem with all of this is, I can honestly say I love Andrew, and all I really want for the both of us is to be happy. I have known him for over three years and this was the second time I have dated him. He is a gamer like me, and is a member of our online gaming family. So what exactly happened?

Unfortunately, even I don't understand completely, but I can say how I see it from my perspective. The weekend before St. Patricks Day was the weekend of Megacon, a three day anime convention in Orlando loaded with hundreds of vendors, events, cosplay, and art. I had made plans to spend the entire weekend with my friends that I had been building a bond with, namely Nikki, Alej, Breton, and Donni. On the other hand, Andrew made plans for me to spend time with him, go watch a movie with him and a friend on Saturday night, sleep over Saturday night, and spend more time with him and his family on Sunday. Considering I would be moving to Orlando soon, I did not realize what the big deal was for me to spend the entire three days with my friends in the hotel, where I could just have some time alone.

I expected Andrew to buy a one day pass and spend some time with me on one of those days. To my dismay, Andrew decided to buy and entire weekend ticket to the convention and choose to stay there all three days. At first the weekend started out great with him on Friday, where he brought me a rose and some vegan chocolate, which made me more than happy. But as time went on, I felt more and more pressure by him to do things he had planned when I hadn't even planned for him to come for more than a few hours over the weekend! Instead of going off on his own, he stayed next to me almost all of the time on Friday and Saturday, gradually making me feel overwhelmed by his presence, but I accommodated him being there as best as I could. On Saturday, I talked to him and told him that I would be unable to watch the movie with him and his friend, but instead offered him to come with us to a late night dinner, which he gladly accepted and from what I could tell, we all had a great time. On the way there he protested that he wanted me to sleepover at his house for the night, and in my eyes, completely defeated the purpose of having a hotel for an anime convention, so I also declined.

At this point he became increasingly frustrated with me, but let me stay with my friends anyways and he drove back to his parent's house. My friend's and I went to Blockbuster and rented a steampunk themed movie to watch back at the hotel room. At around three in the morning, I was on Skype on my iPod Touch, Andrew messaged me. After discussing what had happened earlier, he started talking about more plans for that Sunday. I became upset and told him I felt like he was overbearing and stressing me out pressuring me into doing his schedule when I had thought the convention we just dropped hundreds of dollars on should be the main focus. We both became very upset, but I slept it off.

The next day, Andrew and I didn't see each other until late in the afternoon. At this point I was exhausted and could barely stay awake, but I spent more time with Andrew. We all decided to go eat at Johny Rockets, where once again Andrew seemed more than happy in our group. Afterwards, we did our final shopping at the convention and started leaving. I said goodbye to Andrew and drove back home with everyone else in Tampa.

This brings us back to St. Patrick's day. I had a long day at work and drove home. Andrew had called me twice, and I asked him why he had called twice when it meant I was busy doing something. I understand now that it may have sounded harsh, but I had not intended it to sound as such. Andrew then called me a few hours later upset, which is where the start of this entry began.

All in all, I love Andrew very much, but I felt like he was always pressing down on me. I really do care about him and it still hurts not to be with him. It's not enjoyable to watch his life go by in a news feed on facebook or twitter. I hope things between us will become better soon, because simply put, I just care about him. Every time I've talked to him recently, he's given me this mean tone of voice and unwelcoming attitude, which hurts. I just want to be there for him, even if not as a lover.

As for Cari, I feel very distrustful. Nearing the end of Andrew and I's relationship, she was talking and supporting Andrew more than me, and at the end I felt thrown aside and attacked altogether. Even when Andrew was over picking up his belongings, his phone would vibrate showing a new text message from you. What does that say about our relationship?

I feel upset, hurt, betrayed, distrustful, and bitter lately. I've lost the man I love, and one of my best friends I trusted with my all my secrets. I know I made some grave mistakes in my relationship with Andrew, and I'm not going to pretend like I'm completely innocent, because I'm not. At times I was selfish and greedy, and only thought about how I would progress. I did things I'm ashamed of, and I will pray for forgiveness unto myself. I've picked up the pieces that weren't taken from me, and I've been trying to keep moving forward. So, what exactly do I do now?

Living With Rx's and Ex's

2010-01-15T04:35:00.005-05:00

I'm so sorry everyone, It's been so long since I've had the time to sit down and actually write a blog entry. I would like to clarify that I have not and never will abandon my blog if at all possible. As of late, I've been constantly busy with school, work, my social life, my gaming social life, boyfriend, and unfortunately with medical complications.

Andrew and I are getting close to our six month anniversary, marking him as the longest steady relationship since Steve and I. It's becoming more natural every day with Andrew, and for that I'm very glad. The excitement of dating has seemed to fade, but I love him no less than day one, and appreciate his constant tender loving care he gives me every day. Every weekend, we meet either at my place in Tampa, or his place in Leesburg to spend time together, with the exception of last weekend. We were starting to feel a little overwhelmed with each others presence all the time, so we mutually agreed to take a weekend off of our normal meeting schedule.

Over the past four or five months, I've unfortunately been experiencing many bothersome medical conditions. If you do not enjoy reading details that may be disgusting, feel free to skip the next three paragraphs. It all started with a sharp pain in my right groin area, which lasted for a few weeks. Gradually, the pain started spreading to my lower right abdomen and across my pelvis region. This is around the time I went to my primary physician, who diagnosed me with a sinus infection, of which I still don't understand. From there it became worse and spread further up my abdomen. I returned back to my doctor a few days later, so he had me run some urine samples, which came back with blood in them. At this point my doctor referred me to a Urologist in the area and had me take several CT scans, none of which came back with anything. The Urologist performed many invasive exams including a prostate exam and other exams which I don't recall the name for. The Urologist scheduled me for a Cystoscopy, but cancelled it on the day of the procedure after more tests came back inconclusive. The only thing they found was a small cyst on my kidney, which would most likely have no effect on me.

Alright, I could accept that, so I went back to my general physician where he put me on generic antibiotics just in case I had an infection. A few weeks later I started having severe crippling cold spells that left me shaking in bed with my temperature dropping to almost a hypothermia level and dull chest pain. That Saturday, Andrew drove me to the Urgent Care Center to investigate why I was having such severe symptoms. At the Urgent Care Center, I was placed into a freezing room while I was going through cold spells for hours until they could take x-rays of my chest. The results showed very little, so they diagnosed me with Costocondritis (inflammation of the rib cage). A few weeks later passed by and I started bleeding when using either form of going to the restroom.

I then went to my primary physician who referred me to a Gastroenterologist, took some blood samples, and had me take half a dozen, more invasive x-rays and CT scans of my body (all of which came back with no results). The Gastroenterologist put me on acid blockers and scheduled an EGD (camera in your stomach) procedure. Two weeks later I went through with the procedure, had biopsies taken from my stomach, but still received normal results. Two weeks later I started having heavy chest pain in my right rib cage and difficulty breathing, with all inhalers failing to affect me. Then my Gastroenterologist then scheduled a colonoscopy, which also came back with no unusual results with the exception of small hemroids (but the type almost everyone has at all times). My Gastroenterologist compiled all the results from all past visits at my appointment yesterday morning to tell me I have IBS, which still does not explain any of my symptoms in my torso. So now we're back to what seems to be the beginning, with symptoms and no explanation. I'm starting to give up on the medical field to be honest. I will be returning to my primary physician soon to try and figure out why I'm having trouble breathing.

An interesting development in my life is that Steve contacted me. Now I know that if you've read my blogs from my past, you're probably thinking I'm a bit crazy right now, but let me explain. I had been reading my normal gaming news when I heard the announcement that Final Fantasy XIV Online had opened applications for a lottery beta application entry. In response to this exciting news, I sent a mass text message out on my phone, that coincidently hit even the people I don't like or don't talk to anymore. A little after midnight that night I received a call from a worried Steve who really just wanted to talk to me.

I was skeptical at first, and quite honestly filled with pain and resentment, but decided to give the guy a chance to explain his reasoning for calling me. He and his partner of now three years had been in a fight earlier that night, so Steve snuck out of his house to call and talk to his last real friend since he and Peter formed their relationship, me. You see the irony in this picture, was that during the two years I was with Steve, I was never allowed to have friends or talk to many people from Steve's jealously, and now the tides had turned. Steve told me how he is not allowed to talk to anyone because of Peter's jealousy. At this point I started feeling a little upset, not because I was talking to my ex-partner, but that I would have never wished for him to suffer in the same way he had put me through. he legitimately sounded worried and maybe even a little scared that his boyfriend would find out that he contacted me.

He told me that he had become a vegetarian a while back, a change from the same person who condemned me to hell because I wouldn't eat meat. He became an atheist in the time we had apart, seeing the flaws and hypocrisy in the bible, and he told me he wanted to go to college and be a psychology major when three years ago he would have said school was stupid and unnecessary. In that moment I started crying without letting Steve catch on to it, because I realized the one person I have had nightmares about for years, the one person I always tried to forgive but couldn't, doesn't exist anymore. Steve has changed so much over the past three years, what selfish motive do I have to hate him for?

For once I felt sorry for him, and for the first time in years I felt like his friend again, if only for the two hours we talked together. I understand now, and I forgive Steve for what he had done to me in the past. I still haven't heard from him since that phone call, but I smile knowing I still have Steve as a friend, no matter the amount of time that goes by.

In school, I am close to finishing my Associates in Arts degree with only a single math class remaining after I finish this semester. I'm planning on applying for the Fall Advantage Disney Internship program which runs from May 2010 to January 2011 as an Information Technology intern and finishing my AA degree online over the summer while I attend the program. Hillsborough Community College and I butted heads for a while when they informed me that when they graduated me from my CCC CCNA technical degree, they also graduated me from the entire college, effectively blocking me from finishing my AA degree. After talking to an admissions advisor, I had the issue fixed and I'm just waiting for my scholarship money to come through any day now. I'll keep you posted on how my classes turn out.

In my gaming life, I have been playing AION Online for the past three months, reaching level 35 on my Sorcerer character on the Lumiel server (Elyos faction). I've been playing with Andrew, Rukira, and Demicent from Final Fantasy XI, as well as some new friends I've made along the way like Momo, Pyro, and Zareth. I'm hoping to hit the max level, level fifty, before the Final Fantasy XIV Online open beta launches, which is also the time everyone I mentioned will quit AION.

This weekend, Andrew and I are attending Elliott's Winter Carnival, a seasonal furry party located in Orlando, Florida. I can't wait to see all my friends that I haven't seen in a few months! Anyways, that's all for now, I'll try to keep up to date, but time always seems to get the best of me.

Life Value Clarification

2009-12-04T02:02:00.002-05:00

This was my final paper for my General Psychology class. It was intended to fulfill the Gordon Rule law with 1,715 words as well as provide insight about ourselves to, well ourselves:

1. What do you specifically want in life?
In life, there are many things I would want to have, but the better question for me would be "What do you need in life?" The first thing you should know about me before proceeding to the next twenty-two questions is that I am Buddhist, and I believe that I should avoid earthly attachments whenever possible. All I really need is food, water, and a group of people to love and accept me.

2. What are your basic beliefs?
As I said in the previous question, I am a Nichiren-Shu Buddhist. I believe in unconditional love for those around me, even if it may be easier said than done. I am also a Vegan, meaning I eat no animal products. I believe that cruelty towards any being, including eating animals, seriously contradicts my belief of unconditional love.

3. If money wasn't a problem what would you really want or do?
If money wasn't a problem, I would probably fly all over the world to see where my religious practice originated from. I would probably erase any debt I had and help fund a local temple or religious center. I would secure a home in a small living area and finally buy a car that would take me places without endangering my health. I would help fund a center for furthering our studies in technological research in computers or programming languages.

4. The key to success is to follow your passion. The trick is to identify your passion. What is your passion?
My passion is to keep learning throughout my entire life whether it is through religion, technology, or other forms. I firmly believe the day you stop learning is the day your life ends, rather than the day your body gives out.

5. Compare yourself to an inanimate object and why?
I think the best inanimate object to relate to would be water. Through your life, you change and mold to your surroundings, just as water does in its own environment. You may change completely into a new form, but you are always still there. Your mind and body are forever changing, just as water is always changing. Even when you die, you are still here in some form, whether it's spiritual or physical. I believe I am very transparent in what I do, just as water is transparent.

6. What would you like to have accomplished by the end of your life?
I would like to have learned as much as I could at the end of my life, and had the opportunity to spread it to the generation after me. Education is very important in my life, and having learned so much without passing it on would be such a waste. I would want to have helped support a cause for what I believe is right. This could be done in many ways, something small like volunteering for an animal rights group, or something as large as helping erect a local temple for others in my Sangha (Buddhist Community) to share with me.

7. What biographical information would you like the newspaper to include in your obituary?
I would like the newspaper to identify what I did for the community and for people around me. I would love to be known as a teacher who made a difference, even if it was a difference only a few saw.

8. What would your spouse, friends, children, boss, enemies add to the obituary?
I would hope that my spouse would say that he loved me very much, and that the rest had cared for me, and admired my honesty and friendship while I was still present with them.

9. In only one or two sentences, describe how you want to be perceived and remembered?
Kito was a man of kindness and love, who watched out for everyone around him. He practiced compassion to everyone in their times of need.

10. If you could (and you can) change one aspect of your behavior what would it be?
If I could change one aspect of my behavior, I would control my selfish desires with more ease. I grew up for years were it was always felt like a competition to get whatever I wanted. I would have to go to selfish lengths, to cheat, lie, or steal to succeed. I look back and no longer want to be that person. I want to be able to give to others as much as I can. This selfishness caused me not to trust everyone around me. For about a year I would not talk to anyone, because I feared that everyone would betray me eventually. This caused unneeded anxiety in my life and hindered my ability to be social with others.

11. In one word completely describe yourself?
Empathy. I feel compassion towards those around me. I feel what others feel, which comes as a double edged sword. It can help put me in almost a manic mood of happiness, or it can cripple me in pain and sorrow. It all depends on who is around me, and what they are feelings.

12. Don't think your feeling's: be your feelings. What are your feelings?
I feel love, I care for so much and want to protect it. I want to be there for people, to let them know it's okay and that it's okay to be scared. I'm constantly scared, but I don't give in. I push forward rather than stay behind and turn to dust. I feel sorrow for those people who have failed themselves, and have little possibility of recovering. I want to help so much, but there is so little I feel I can accomplish sometimes.

13. Tell me something about yourself: something no one else knows.
[Removed from public version.]

14. If you had one wish, what would it be?
I would wish that suffering would finally end in this world, that everyone would reach enlightenment. I believe everyone has the potential to reach enlightenment eventually, but if everyone were to reach it at once, suffering would inevitably end.

15. What is your favorite sound and why?
For some reason, I really enjoy classical music, bells, and chimes. This coincidently helps me stay calm in group meditation that have chimes or through classical music during a normal day. When listening to a song or melody with words, I get easily distracted and can't focus on anything that I had originally wanted to get done. But when listening to classical, I can feel the mood, or lack thereof while still retaining the ability to concentrate.

16. What sound do you hate and why?
There are several sounds I hate beyond belief. For one, I hate the sound of screaming, it sends chills up my spine. When I tried getting into screamo rock in high school, I finally gave up because it made me so uncomfortable. The second sound I absolutely hate is crying. It's almost always an indicator that something is terribly wrong or that the person is severely hurt, neither of which I like experiencing or seeing others experience.

17. What is your favorite word and why?
My favorite word would probably be 犬 or いぬ, which is pronounced "inu", meaning dog. I have always felt such a strong attachment to dogs in particular, but never liked the word dog. When I learned Japanese, everyone called dogs 犬, which I liked more, and started to use.

18. What is your least favorite word and why?
My least favorite word is "faggot". It is one of the most derogatory words I have ever heard. It has come to mean a bad description of being gay. One of the most harmful words my enemies had always yelled at me in the past was "faggot", and it hit home hard. I'm gay myself, and so is my dad. It just feels like a direct attack on a part of me I cannot change, nor do I think it is wrong or bad.

19. What profession would you like to attempt and why?
My dream profession would be an Information Technology professor. I know I'm talented in the Information Technology field and advanced in it for my age, and I would love to share that knowledge with others that want it. When I retire, I would hope to become a Monk for my current school of Buddhism that I would be practicing, another way I could spread knowledge to those who need it.

20. What profession would you never be in and why?
I would never be a slaughterhouse worker. Just seeing videos of the job itself is horrifying to me. I can't imagine ever killing beings for a living. Very little regard to how the animals feel or what it feels like to have your throat slit alive. It just seems so barbaric to me.

21. Anger is always fear. Always the fear of loss. What is your fear and why?
My fear is to be alone and to make no difference in anyone's life. I am afraid that no one will understand. My worst nightmares are when people can't hear my voice when I want to save them, for them to know I'm there. As you can tell from previous questions, I strive to help others, and to fail to do so scares me immensely. I want to help as much as I possibly can, even when I realize that my help is not enough.

22. If heaven exists - What do you hope God says to you upon arrival?
I do not believe in god or heaven. I believe Buddha to be the great teacher who reached enlightenment in our world millennia ago. I believe he left the dharma for us to learn from so we could also travel the path to enlightenment.

23. What would you answer God?
Just as I answered in the previous question, I do not believe in god. But if I were to answer Buddha, I would thank him for his effect on my life, bringing calmness to me in so many ways. He is the ultimate teacher, my hero, and my idol.

Unfortunate Relapse

2009-08-05T22:06:00.006-04:00

I probably shouldn't write an entry in my current emotional state, but I've decided to go against my better judgment this time around. It's incredible what effect memories can have on your daily life. That spot at the grocery store you may always visit, that neighborhood you will always avoid like the plague, or the road you no longer travel on. I certainly doubt I am the only one, but does everyone feel so overwhelmed with those memories from the past?

Thinking now, all my fears, all my daily habits, just my general behavior is directly influenced from those memories. For example, I will always go to the shell gas station outside of my neighborhood district even if it's out of the way, for if I go to the one not a mile north of it, I will stagger in memories from my ex-partner. It almost seems like anything within a mile of his home, is no man's land for me. Just being in the area instills fear into my chest. Does everyone experience the nightmares of the past I have grown so used to?

I recognize I have a lingering mental problem of this irrational fear, and I want to so desperately fix it. I have lost two lovers that I would have taken a bullet for, and after each loss, I feel even farther from the rest of the people close to me. Those two relationships were the results of years of devoted care and attention, and all that remain are there haunting memories of their loss.

What troubles me so much is that I do not feel alone at the moment. I am currently dating Andrew, the man who helped me escape the hardships of my ex partner. We have been dating for almost three weeks now and I honestly couldn't be any happier. We started dating two weeks after Beau and I separated, as he had to move to Tennessee. He unfortunately was unable to find a job in Tampa and sadly ran out of money that allowed him to remain within close in distance from me. But Andrew and Beau have been so supportive for me, and there for each step I take.

So why do I still go into these sudden relapses of a hellish state of mind? Even if it lasts for only an hour or two, the pain it causes during that time is immense and certainly takes a toll on my health. Do you remember those slide viewers you would hold up to the light as a kid and pull the lever to see the next slide? Well, the experience is similar in many ways to my past. In my mind I'm seeing those slides, slightly faded, pictures of both the happiest days of my life, like the day Steve proposed to me as I sat on his bed or the days Brett and I spent walking around in Jugner Forest in game. The next slide showing the worst days of my life, watching the blood stain Steve's clothes, the days Brett would stand next to me in game, and pretend I didn't exist for months at a time.

But how do you prevent such relapses? Tonight I was completely fine when I woke up from a nap after a hard day's work. I called Andrew and was able to speak with him for a few minutes while I made dinner, then laid down to study for my final semester of CCNA. iTunes was open on my computer and I set it to play the Piano Collections from Final Fantasy XI. One moment I'm reading about permanent virtual circuits, the next I realize I'm crying into relapse. Something that wouldn't have made me relapse yesterday, throws me into it at full force tonight. Interesting how the human mind can work.

So unfortunately I close this entry for now. My Rx tonight will be some hot tea, some silent meditation, and much needed rest. Only time will tell what the future holds for me.

I'm Alive (I Promise)

2009-06-21T23:05:00.003-04:00

Alright, so I realize that I have not submitted a blog entry since April, so it should be a relief (for most) to inform you that I have not died, just merely busy. Lately I have been dealing with life, which apparently includes: My job, my school, anime, gaming, Buddhism, and my boyfriend Beau. Sadly, it's becoming increasingly difficult to keep all in check, and quite honestly, I'm horrible at prioritizing anything.

I've been dating Beau for about six weeks now, all of which have been great. I met him online maybe half a year ago through some of my fur friends on Myspace, talked to him on Yahoo a few times, but never really kicked it off until about two months ago. About six weeks ago he moved down to Tampa, Florida with his heterosexual roommate from Pensacola up in northern Florida. They had both terminated their contracts with the companies they were working for and were planning on aquiring jobs in Tampa. Unfortunately, they've had many job interviews but can't seem to land anything. With time running out, I'm pushed into a situation that I don't know how to handle. His roomate is probably bailing out and moving to Texas tomorrow, and Beau may have to go live in Missippi with his dad.

This weekend was Metrocon 2009. Beau and I went with Chase and Nikki, and our fur friends Sean and Zach, who are from Boca Raton. We didn't arrive until Saturday afternoon and didn't obtain our badges until Saturday night, after the dealer's room was closed of course. On Sunday we watched the Human Chess Match, which was slightly dissapointing as they killed off everyone. I was able to buy "Hana-Kimi Volume 5" before we left for home though.

In my practice of Buddhism, all is going well. I have found myself settled in the Nichiren-Shu school of Buddhism. Last week I received a Butsudon, which is part of a personal altar, and then Beau gave me a singing bowl this week that is used during services. I've been meditating as much as possible, which with my current schedule is every other night or so. I still want to become more experienced with chanting meditation, as I run out of breath all the time.

If anyone has been seeing my posts on Facebook and Myspace about playing World of Warcraft, then now would be a great time to pretend you never saw them. I have given up WoW and I'm now playing Final Fantasy XI again as the same character, same server, and same job. I liked WoW, but FFXI just feels like home to me. I'm so glad to be able to see Brett, Natsuchii, and my other friend again in game. On my first day back I made the mistake of accidently messaging my ex-partner Steve. I saw an unfamiliar name so I messaged them saying: "Hey, do I know you? You were on my Friend's List." and received the response, "No, you don't know me. Don't talk to me." I immediatley knew who it was him after seeing his attitude and later confirmed his identity with a few other players. Meh, we all make mistakes.

As for school and work, I'm tackling the rest of my CCNA and working twenty-seven hours a week. My CCNA class feels like I'm playing survivor. We started with thirty-five students, now we're down to six including myself. I'm barely holding on by the skin on my teeth, but I think I'll get by. For now, I'll just keep moving on with a positive attitude in hopes that I will succeed.

Letter to the Original Kito

2009-04-13T05:56:00.002-04:00

As many of you know, the name "Kito" is actually adopted from another person in my past life. Recently, I found the original Kito on Facebook, and after gaining courage for a month, thought to write to him. I wanted to thank him for everything he's done to help me, which by the way, he wasn't even aware he did. This is my letter to him that I sent today:

Hey Kito, it's been a long time since I last talked to you, five years I think. My name used to be Michael Brandt, and I used to be your stand partner in the Viola section of the Tampa Bay Youth Orchestra's Junior Philharmonic.

I've wanted to talk to you for years, and I would hear about you once or twice a year, but decided to keep it to myself. I just wanted to say thank you.

I quit the Junior Philharmonic when I had just turned fifteen years old. I became boyfriends with a man named Steve (who was three years older than me) in January that year, when we would still have orchestra every week. I started to lose my friends slowly after I was with him. He started cutting me off from all my friends that I cared about one by one. He attended our last concert for that year and told me it sounded like nails on a chalkboard, and forced me to quit orchestra.

Slowly he started abusing me emotionally and then physically. He literally kept me hostage threatening to kill himself every time I thought of escaping. He would go so far as to cut himself for every "sin" I committed in his eyes. I was stuck in the abusive relationship for two years with no friends to talk to or support me. I even started to forget what it was like having friends and started feeling suicidal myself just to escape him. You were the last person that I could call a "friend", and a constant reminder that not everyone was like my partner.

A year into the abuse, I adopted your name to remind myself of truly kind people in the world. I started going by Kito everywhere, and started signing as "Kito" on my legal documents. I truly believe that it helped me keep moving forward beyond the abuse I went through. I started changing, and after a while "Michael" seemed just like a fake memory.

Although we weren't really "friends" outside of orchestra, I was still very happy to have you as my stand partner because you were always so nice and shared a lot of my interests. You were the last person I really had to talk to, even if we didn't know each other very well.

It's been years now, and I escaped my partner after two years when I baker acted him for psychiatric evaluation. My life has changed a lot for the better, and I consider myself a successful person. My name is in the middle of becoming legally changed, after using it as my common name for so many years.

You don't really know me anymore, and I don't really know you. If you want to talk again sometime, that would be nice, if not, life goes on. All in all, I just wanted to say thank you for being my friend in the past, I truly believe you saved my life. It truly is amazing that doing something so little as being nice to someone can mean so much over the years. Thank You.

Kito Michael Brandt

Regardless of his response, whether is is positive, negative, or if it is ignored, I still plan to legally change my name within the next year. As I don't really know him anymore, I don't really know how he will react. Let's hope it goes well.

Pardon

2009-03-30T20:16:00.003-04:00

I'm a selfish person. Reading lately has brought this to my attention. The world is not about me, and I should never think such. Maybe I never thought of it or realized it consciously, but even so, I am no less guilty. In law, you are punished the same whether your actions were conscious or not, that is, unless you plead insanity.

But I refuse to plead insanity, because as much as I would enjoy laying the blame on something else, it would still be wrong. If I've learned anything in the past few months, the most important lesson is that I must claim responsibility for my actions.

I was selfish during my partnership with Steve. I let him do everything for me with no regard to how he may have felt. My heart, though beating, icced over with greed. Greed for money, greed for sexual gratification, greed for the love he gave me so graciously. I am an abuse victim, but now I realize he is too, because of me. Although my love for him has faded to nothingness, I still reach my hand out in an apologetic gesture.

I have been selfish with the friends I hold close. I have held Chase so close he could hardly breathe, barring my teeth at any woman that attempted (or succeeded) to begin a relationship with him. I had condemned Tyler out of pure greed to "protect" Brett, without having any will to step into his shoes to correctly assess the situations that happened. The only two friends I've found immune to this greed were Cari and Donna. At first thought, I couldn't imagine why, but then the answer hit me: They are women.

The most recent and lasting "offense" of this crime of selfish repitition would be towards Brett. Three years, it's required three years to realize this offense. We fought often when we still talked, and he described how he felt in detail. But I cannot remember a time where I tried to see the world through his eyes. I viewed him solely as the man who tried to tried to break my heart, nothing more or less.

The other night, I was reading "Eclipse" by Stephanie Meyer. In the novel, Jacob is often hurt by what Bella says and does, but you can clearly see that Bella is very unaware of the pain she is inflicting. A day or two after I finished the novel, I started thinking of Jacob's character in depth. When I compared him to Brett in my thoughts, I staggered in realization. I had never thought of Brett's pain that accumulated between us. He wasn't there to break my heart, that would hardly be human. I feel guilty for not realizing this years ago, as much suffering could have been avoided.

And now I sit in this imaginary cell, with imaginary handcuffs binding my hands. The verdict clearly reads that I am guilty of my actions and offenses. For now, all I can await for is a pardon which may never come.

Thank You

2009-03-29T23:33:00.000-04:00

This entry will start off a little different than my usual entries. First, I would like to thank all of my readers who constantly show support for my writing. Without you, I would have shut down the domain KitoSoma.com long ago. Tonight, I renewed the domain name for two more years (until mid 2011), and I hope to see more readers, as well as my current ones in the future!

Today was my twin sister and I's nineteenth birthday, which was fantastic. I woke up around three in the afternoon to friends and family already arriving at my home to celebrate. For dinner we had a great vegetarian meal which included some spinach stuffed noodle shells, Italian herb bread, and of course, some ice cream cake. For the presents, I received a bunch of small gifts as my main gift was an expensive pair of D&G glasses. I'm a true believer for "it's the thought that counts", so I didn't mind.

My boyfriend, Paul, who I've been dating for a week as of today, came over after a rock concert in St. Petersburg. Although he didn't give me a physical present, a kiss did suffice all my needs. We spent the evening running up to Starbucks to buy my "Starbucks Gold Card" and watching Wolf's Rain, another plus for the day.

Lately, I've found myself so busy! I have an enormous amount of CCNA: Routing Protocols and Concepts homework and reading that I've been procrastinating on for weeks. I've stopped going to class in fear that he's going to actually check our homework. To make matters more complicated (and to Paul's objection), I've been addicted to Stephanie Meyer's Breaking Dawn. And to finally top the icing on the cake (no pun intended for today), I have the CompTIA Network+ exam I have already resceduled once ready for this upcoming Friday. I will most likely have to reschedule it again because of everything stacked on my plate.

Speaking of Information Technology, I have converted from an entirely Microsoft based network, to a hybrid Microsoft-Linux (Ubuntu) network. I have found many of the features amazing and useful for the type of work I have been doing. What would I do without some Wine (Linux Joke)?

Here's a picture of my Linux Ubuntu Desktop:

For the first time, I can say the following in my blog: Nothing much has really changed.

Shrouded Haze

2009-03-25T22:38:00.001-04:00

The air around me felt cold, haze shrouded my view in the gloomy area I was in. Could I even call it an area? Where exactly was I?
“Hello?” I called out to the darkness ahead of me.
A voice replied from the nothingness, “Why would you talk to me again Michael? Do you really want to hurt me more than you already have?”
My feet had frozen in place, my spine let out a shiver, and I felt a piercing feeling as my former name sunk into my thoughts.
The voice I heard was not something I could ever forget. The air seemed to chill around me.
“Why did you contact me?” the voice questioned yet again in a stern tone.
Had I contacted him? I couldn’t remember for the life of me.
I hesitated. “I don’t know why,” my voice weakly sounded. “Where are you? Where am I? I’m just glad to hear your voice, to know you’re okay.”
I waited for a response, but the haze just floated lazily around me. I moved my right foot forward, noticing I could move again. Panic quickly controlled my thoughts at the lack of his voice.
Quivering softly I looked deeper into the darkness past the haze. Still nothing happened, and any trace of the voice was gone.
I began to walk forward, my pace hastened with each step. My walk became a run as the panic took a stronger hold of me.
“Please answer me,” my voice became harsh, “I don’t know where I am. I need your help!”
The voice responded in a clear tone, “Goodbye Michael.”
I scanned the darkness ahead, seeing the back of a man. Why would he say goodbye? He was lost too, wasn’t he?
The distance between he and I closed, only meters away, his back still turned at me.
My hand stretched out to grab his shoulder that was so close, now only a single meter away.
I blinked, and the man I would have touched in that moment was gone. Nothing remained of him.
I turned to look around at the space that surrounded me. Again there was nothing. Not even the haze was there to comfort me. There was no sound, no colors, just darkness in every direction, lacking familiarity.
My feet gave way to the realization, that I was alone, my absolute fear. I lay on the floor, if I could even call it a floor, if it even was a floor.
A feeling of despair hit me as I closed my eyes. I wanted to cry, but I held it back, succumbing to the cold darkness that engulfed me.
My alarm clock pulled me from the nightmare, but I still felt burden with nausea.
I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes, only to prepare for the day of work ahead of me.

Spring Break

2009-03-22T03:26:00.004-04:00

A month has passed, and as I state in every other one of my blogs, much has happened. I feel more alone, but in a way, I know I'll be okay eventually.

A few weeks ago, I logged on to Myspace and checked my favorites, where I secretly kept tabs on Brett even though we hadn't talked in three months. I saw his default picture was changed. In the picture with him was my ex-best friend Tyler hugging him, in person. I immediately knew what this meant: Brett was in Florida and was most likely in Tampa. I broke down in tears within a few seconds, screaming at the top of my lungs and gasping for air. I had never been so emotionally hurt in my life! After an hour of trying to regain control of myself, I stupidly sent mean text messages to both Tyler and Brett, asking why they would hurt me so bad. Tyler called me a few hours later and I asked that we try to settle things between us, to which he I agreed. He said Brett was still in Tampa and wasn't leaving to go back to California for a few days. Tears ran down my face hearing this. Did he really hate me that much? He told me they both would come over.

I heard a knock on the door to my home a few hours later. I opened it slowly, my heart beating fast in my chest. First I saw Tyler, and then my eyes shifted the man to his right. My vision quickly became blurred, and the doorway seemed to spin a bit as I gripped it tightly. I let them in and showed them the way to my room, trying not to faint. Tyler sat on my bed as did I, and Brett sat in the chair across the room. I let out a sad excuse for a "Hello", my body shaking with nervousness and a small amount of fear. We talked for a bit, and I asked Brett to sit next to me on the bed. I couldn't help but hug him when he sat down beside me, feeling his body heat before I touched him. I felt complete with him in my arms. This was the man I loved for so long, the man I thought I would never meet in my life regardless of how strong I felt. We ended up getting along, and I asked him for the kiss we never had. He let out a confused answer, so I made the decision for him by putting my hand behind his head and giving him a quick kiss on the lips. He looked surprised, but I think he saw it coming before I even asked. They had to leave, so I gave Brett a full embrace and said goodbye, assuring him we would see each other again before he went back to California.

I went to Callahan, Florida that weekend with Paul. I met many interesting people, including my longtime Final Fantasy XI friend Leif (Evan), who happens to be Paul's best friend. I made friends with several of the people hanging out with us, and I look forward to seeing them again soon. We saw Evan perform with the Jacksonville Youth Symphony, bringing up past memories of when I was in the Tampa Bay Youth Orchestras myself. A painful memory, but a memory nonetheless.

On Monday, Chase and I wanted to go to the Hookah Lounge, even though I don't smoke because of my lungs. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to see Brett again. I called Tyler and asked if he and Brett wanted to join up with us. After a while, Brett finally agreed. We chatted for a few hours and laughed at little jokes here and there, but I knew even the mask of happiness in the air did not cover the pain Brett and I were experiencing being in each other's company. He pulled me aside near some trees nearby, his eyes darting away from me and looking emotionally upset. I knew what he was going to say before he even started talking. "I think it would be best if we didn't stay friends" he muttered softly, looking away from me. I nodded and told him I would be there no matter what for him, no matter the reason. I hugged him tight, and for once in the three years we've known each other, I felt truly sorry for him.

This was not about me. He was upset in my arms and I was hurting him by being in his life. It may hurt for Brett not to be in my life, but to bring suffering from my own selfish desires is just wrong. This was the result of both of our mistakes, and it was time for me to accept that and move on. I hugged him and made sure he was aware that he could come to me anytime he wanted while he was in Tampa. I watched him and Tyler drive away as Chase and I drove home ourselves. Later that night I texted him, asking if he could come over and get to know me in person for once. He declined and I accept that. I'm too late. He texted me when he was back in California. While we talked via text, he became upset and said he would no longer talk to me. There would be no reason why what I said would upset any normal relationship and accepted it as his way of ceasing communication. Again, I accept. I have Tyler as a friend again, and I thank him for giving me another chance because of Brett.

I have started practicing Buddhism on a fairly normal basis now. I meditate every other night or so, trying hard to sit in the full lotus position, failing miserably every time. It took me a week to figure out that you can not immediately use the position, as it is actually a stretch maneuver. I started thinking intelligently and using the half-lotus position, with success this time. It reminds me how little I know of the religion, and how much I will be learning in the future. I have met great opposition to the decision from my friends, family, and extended family. I buzzed my hair off in an attempt to remove vanity and obsession of hair (which was a success), and in return was called names and criticized for doing so, which was hardly the point of the action to start with. But I'm not holding it against them, for it's not their life nor their decision.

I'm on spring break right now, with nothing interesting happening. Each day seems to drag on with nothing too important coming into plans. Paul went back to Callahan to stay at his mother's, Cari lives across town so I can never see her, and Chase is now in a relationship with a girl. This effectively leaves me alone for the week (or maybe longer). I just hope I will reap some positive karma sometime soon. Until then, I'm just that guy alone in the corner at Borders, or the brother who stays locked in his room all day.

IT Technician

2009-02-19T01:52:00.004-05:00

I'm finally CompTIA A+ IT Technician Certified, but the funny thing is, I feel no different. I still feel mediocre in skill and status, the only difference being that I have a higher chance of getting an IT-related job. After taking a long bath tonight, I sat there in the water, feeling just as hopeless as usual. Do my achievements even hold value at this point in time? Does anyone really want to hire an eighteen year old college student with only a single certification?

These thoughts keep crossing my mind tonight, filling me to the brim with mixed feelings of hopelessness, frustration, maybe even a little anger. I finally received my textbooks for my Cisco Fundamentals class, along with my CEH (Certified Ethical Hacker) textbook today. With my Cisco text, I can finally finish all the classwork I have missed, and although CEH is so far away, I figured it wouldn't hurt to read through the textbook a year early (not to mention it being useful to have on hand). I made a chart that shows my certification path, as shown below:

I want to change this feeling of hopelessness. I want to show everyone, including myself, that I can succeed! I may not achieve this goal within a year, or even two, but as long as I put my heart to it, I know I will have all of them soon enough.

Irony tends to hit us is the most unexpected ways. Yesterday I checked my private home number for the first time in weeks. Turns out a woman called me a week ago asking if I was interested in an IT Technician position in Tampa. I called back but it was already way too late, causing me to lose the position. Irony because I accepted my old job back the day she called.

In the relationship world, I am still pleasantly single and not really actively looking for anyone. It's been five months since I've chosen to have have a boyfriend, and it's sad to say that this is the longest time period I've gone without a boyfriend in my gay life (the last four years). It's weird, I'm interested in people, yet I don't feel as attached to the hip with them like I used to. I can't help but think about Brett here and there, although I'm not "dying to be with him" like I used to feel like. He's just a daydream of the past now, morbid I know, but true nonetheless. All I can do now is sit from the sidelines and hope that he's alright, not that I should need to worry. I've been hanging out with Paul more in the past few weeks. Technically, he's been my friend over Myspace for years now, but he only just moved to Tampa to go to USF a little under a year ago. He invited me to the pride alliance last Thursday, where about forty LGBT students gathered for discussion with a movie afterwards.

Now deviating away from normal blog topics, I seem to be going through coffee with drawl. My step-father became angry with how much coffee my twin sister and I were drinking and decided to ban us from using the machine, by keeping it hostage in his room. I now find myself spending more money on Starbucks than I ever wished to spend. Unfortunately, I have no decent source of coffee whatsoever after midnight, pushing me to drive to the gas station for crappy vending machine coffee. I think next paycheck I will invest in a drip coffee maker before I start resorting to instant coffee (too late, talking about it encouraged me to go make some).

Time to go to bed, only to wake up in a few hours to the same old crap.

Recovery

2009-02-05T03:02:00.007-05:00

Things have been gradually working out for me, when it had seemed that I was losing all hope in myself and others. I had applied to over three dozen IT (Information Technology) jobs, receiving no forms of contact from any of the companies. I am even receiving unemployment compensation from the last three weeks which allowed me to experience what it's like to hit rock bottom financially, being forced to use my credit card for all my needs, knowing that each swipe I made was digging me into a deeper hole with no chance of getting out in sight.

My scholarship funds came in last Friday, but unfortunately it only covered the cost for my classes and not the books. We are three weeks into the semester and I have absolutely no books for school, dulling my hope to get straight A's in all of this semester's classes. There are only five exams in my American History class, and I have had to miss one because I have no book to study from. That leaves my grade to be an eighty percent maximum, and knowing that I have never scored perfect, a "C" at best. I am going to try and speak with the dean to see if they can delay the due date and open up the first exam for me, if not, then I will have to withdraw from the course.

There's a furry in my Intermediate Algebra class (we call it Polish Algebra because my Polish professor speaks English in an unintelligible polish accent) whom I met at Elliott's Winter Carnival. The funny part is I've been in his class for six sessions and we just now noticed each other. I got a ninety-nine percent on my first of six exams, making me proud in mathematics for once in my life.

Lately I've been hanging out with the guy named David. He's a really great guy to me: He's a vegetarian, compassionate to animals, a barista at Starbucks, a gamer, and Buddhist backgrounds. We were together almost every other day last week either hanging out at Starbucks or at his house. I slept over for two nights, forgetting the feeling of sleeping alone in a cold bed, if only for a short while. We talk a lot about a broad range of what I would usually consider controversial topics with others, but as we hold similar beliefs, they become simply topics. Just hearing a little bit about his past with Tibetan Buddhism inspired me into researching the topic myself.

I slowly find myself gravitating towards Kadampa Buddhism, a modern branch of Mahayana Buddhism, developed from the Gelug school of Buddhism in the tenth century. Venerable Geshe Kelsang Gyatso founded the New Kadampa Tradition in 1991. Geshe Kelsang Gyatso is currently the leading scholar in the New Kadampa Tradition. Kadampa Buddhism is a Mahayana Buddhism that originated from Tibetan Buddhism that broke off from the Dalai Lama's teachings. Out of curiosity, I planned for David and I to go to a Kadampa Buddhist mediation class in Safety Harbor this past Tuesday evening. Sadly, David could not come due to financial reasons, so I invited my long time friend Jonathan (Kibble) to come instead. We arrived not knowing anyone, unaware of what customs we were supposed to follow. One man there helped us, showing us to take off our shoes at the meditation room's door, to stand during the monk's entrance and exit, and what to expect in meditation. The monk entered as everyone stood, praying to Shakyamuni Buddha, and sitting in full-lotus position on the alter. He guided us through a prayer and then started a teaching on how to be concerned less about ourselves, and more about the beings (even animals) around us. He then led us through half an hour of meditation on the lesson. After he closed the meditation, I felt so relaxed and at peace with myself, which I would definitely label as an eye opening experience (I would like to note that I spent seventeen years sitting in church weekly, and not once did I leave feeling good about myself or others). We stood as the monk left the room, and were invited for tea and vegetarian snacks in the next building over. There we socialized quietly with some of the other people that were present, while many surrounded the monk in conversation.

My experience with Kadampa Buddhism has been beautiful so far. I picked up a book on Buddhism written my Geshe Kelsang Gyatso and I will be reading it more in depth this week. Converting to Buddhism is starting to become a clear path in my mind, but let's keep it as simple as that. I will try to attend a meditation at least once a week. Unlike Christianity, there is no designated day to practice your beliefs and as such, there is a meditation group almost every day.

While I was out with David on Tuesday afternoon, I received a call from my twin sister asking if I wanted to work as a Teacher's Aide again, as my hope of getting another job in the economy's current state was starting to dim. I quickly accepted the job and showed up Wednesday for my first day of work. I was given the first grade class, of which there are only fourteen students. When I previously worked there, I was assigned to both the second and third grade class, amounting to sometimes over thirty students. At first, I was thankful for getting half the class size I had before, but quickly realized how wrong I really was. If you know any first graders, then you should also know that they have absolutely no desire to listen to anyone. I literally told my students the same thing repeatedly a dozen times before any of them would do what I had asked. When I brought them outside to the playground, all they wanted to do was argue with me. During the half an hour outside, five of my students managed to hurt themselves or others. One student kicked another student in the face saying "I thought his head was the ball." Out of patience, I called for everyone to go back inside and play games, only for me to get off the clock ten minutes later.

In my friendship/relationship life, I decided to take at heart what reading into Buddhism's core values had contributed to me. I should not hate anyone the way I have in the past. Who am I to be the judge and executor of others actions? It has been over a month since I talked to either Brett or Kit, and six months since I talked to Tyler or Robb. I decided it was time to send letters to all of them (except Robb, as I ended up talking personally with him instead) on how I felt about them lately. All of the letters were essentially the same, with small differences based on why I abandoned them. In example, this is what I sent to Tyler:

Dear Tyler,

I am writing to you to inform you that I have decided after looking into some of my core beliefs this week in my vegan lifestyle (and recent Buddhist readings), that we must forgive and not hate others, regardless of our past errors and bitter feelings. I would like to say that I forgive you for what you have done in the past, or for what I have perceived you for doing in the past may I be wrong.

I apologize for any bitter feelings I may have caused you and for those around you in these last six months or so.

I would however, like to clarify that I am not saying I am your friend, nor will I ever change my blog policies you and other individuals would like me to change, but rather remain as a neutral acquaintance with you.

You may do whatever you like with this notice, be it to remain unassociated or to be initiative. I feel it is the sensible course of action. I will send something similar to Brett and a few other individuals. Thank you for listening.

[Signed by my full name]

So far, I have not received a response from any of them with the exception being Robb, which I contribute to me personally contacting him. As I said in the letter, I am fine with their choice of not associating themselves with me, but to just know that I forgive them, and wish for them to do the same towards me. I am very happy that all of them have been my friends in the present or past, that I will support them from the day I wrote those letters, and that I wish they have a great life ahead of them whether it be with or without me.

This week has been successful financially. I have gained my job back, leading to guaranteed pay during the struggle of economy. I have filed my tax return that will give me $332.00, paying off a nice chunk of money I owe to my credit card.

On a side note, I deleted my Final Fantasy XI account last week, bye bye Kito of Leviathan.

This is the start of my Recovery.

Furry Fandom

2009-01-20T03:41:00.003-05:00

Saying that last week was eventful, would do no justice. I was woken up early last week, the day after my last blog post, to a receptionist for HCC's accounting department saying that not only did I have no money to buy books, but I owed HCC eight hundred dollars. To say I was shocked, would be quite an understatement. I quickly sent an email to my scholarship's vice president of financing and went back to sleep. When I awoke, I had received an email asking me to call her, which I did so promptly. She asked for me to obtain invoices for all my textbooks and classes, but to also drop Intro to Networking because I had gone over twelve credits (full time). Again, I did as she asked, feeling a pang of disappointment over the loss of a class. She then mentioned that the money wouldn't be sent out until next week (the present week). Great, yet another week without my textbooks.

The following day, I was informed of some troubling news about Wolfpac. I learned of his lies and deceit in the furry fandom, and that he sexually assaulted a good friend of mine. Even after hearing this, without deserving my kindness, I confronted him with the objective of staying a neutral friend, and only a friend. After some heated discussion, he remained angry that I wanted nothing more than friendship, like he deserved better, as if I really needed to hear his excuses for what he did. After accusing me of "belittling" him, I decided enough was enough and said "seriously, you're wasting my time", followed by a click on the 'Block' button in my IM client. I'm ashamed I even called him a friend in my previous blog.

Later in the week, I eyed my finances, or lack there of, very closely. There was no way I was going to get by any longer, and my current substitute teacher position was getting me no where. I applied for Unemployment Compensation, realizing that I had finally hit rock bottom. My first day that I can collect benefits is on the twenty seventh, three days before my car insurance money is due. I'm looking to direct sell my Final Fantasy XI account so I can take the second part of my A+ Certification exam, thus becoming a certified IT Technician. I should receive a quote by tomorrow, if the offer is over two hundred, I'm taking the bait.

On Friday, it was time to get ready to go to Orlando for Elliott's Winter Carnival, a series of furry events that happens seasonally with an attendance of at least one hundred furries. I drove two hours to East Orlando where Blaze lived, where I was greeted by Blaze, Kurtsa, and Recca. We weren't doing anything in particular until Blaze bought some cheap four-dollar Jewish wine from the store. I decided to have two glasses of it despite my judgment that it may be a bad idea to test my alcohol limit in front of others. Another furry in the house, Jay, decided to hand me some blueberry flavored vodka to wash the wine down with. Bad Idea. Within forty-five minutes I was heavily tipsy / lightly drunk and making a fool out of myself. While two furs were playing 'keep away' with some anal lube, yes, I said it: anal lube, my drunken self decided it would be wise to take it from them. Unfortunately, the plan backfired when I squeezed the bottle too hard, causing it to bust open and pour anal lube into my styled hair.

After a minute of cleaning up as best as I could in my condition, more people started appearing at the apartment. I became very upset, and after Blaze tried to comfort me, I broke into tears from embarrassment. Everyone decided to play laser tag with Blaze's shiny new laser guns, but barred me from playing until I sobered up. Yet again, I began crying out of embarrassment. After about an hour after everyone started playing, I was given the okay to play with them. The game ended around seven in the morning, with an added walk to the local Wal-Mart included. Kurtsa and I drove to his place and fell asleep.

On Saturday, we awoke around four in the afternoon and headed over to Blaze's. We ended up leaving for Elliott's Winter Carnival around seven, and finally arrived at eight. I was able to see all my friends I haven't seen in ages, and also Wolfpac, who glared at me across the room in what looked like anger. Lucky for me that I couldn't have cared less. The night included more laser tag in the woods, from which I still have bug bites and scratches on my legs from, dancing, gaming, viewing in the artist's lounge, and huddling around the campfires. We ended up leaving around three in the morning, returning to Blaze's house. I went to sleep around seven o'clock that morning.

On Sunday, I had planned to go to Elliott's again and then go home, which would have worked out perfectly if I hadn't woken up at four o'clock, missing the majority of what was left at Elliott's. I decided to stay another night in Orlando and went out to go bowling with some more furs. Monday I woke up and got ready to leave Orlando at last. I said my goodbyes to everyone and heading for I-4. Finally home in Tampa, I spent the evening with Chase watching some anime. All I can think about is the presidential inauguration tomorrow. Anyways, I'm just glad to be home.

Orientation Failure

2009-01-12T04:31:00.005-05:00

Tonight was the first night this semester in which I had to do some school work. The first thing I checked on was my online classes, as I have no books to study for my other classes with (I plan to go to financial aid later today to allocate scholarship money to books, but I don't expect it to be easy). My hybrid Cisco class runs through the Cisco Academy, which supplies a very handy online course. The only problems I have against it, is that you can't gauge how long a chapter is when you begin working on it, and the lab assignments so far are ridiculously unrelated to the topics at hand!

One lab was to download Google Earth and play with it for thirty minutes, which I instantly clicked the next button after viewing the instructions. The next lab was to use an instant messenger client, which unless you were locked in a closet (no pun intended) for well, the last twenty years, you probably used one no later than yesterday. It's just slightly frustrating that they start off so slow, and then after you read through half the course, they speed up so fast that it's comparable to diving into a swimming pool filled unbeknown to you, with concrete. I then tried to finish my Introduction to Network Security course orientation, but failed the orientation exam and had to spend half an hour retaking it, which felt painfully pathetic. I just look forward to Network Security mopping the floor with me when the assignments actually begin.

Earlier today I received a text from my friend Wolfpac, who informed me there was an IT-related job opening in St. Petersburg for bright house networks. I spent my evening compiling the best resume I could come up with, my last resume hardly worth mentioning, and submitted it. Right now, just wish me luck on at least getting an interview! I plan on applying to some more jobs tomorrow night with my new resume.

In the virtual world, I transferred my Tauren Druid on World of Warcraft from the Mannoroth realm to the Spinebreaker realm, as I am no longer friends with the two people I was on Mannoroth for. The guild leader on Mannoroth was very considerate about me leaving, and wished me luck, even if I wasn't in his guild, which made me feel a little better about the switch. I've already made some new friends on Spinebreaker, so all should be well soon.

Elliott's Winter Carnival is coming up the Saturday and Sunday, which has me very excited. I'll be staying with Kurtsa most likely, as I miss him a lot and could use some personal time with him. I've already had many friends from around Florida confirm that they will be there, so I'm sure I'll have a great time. Speaking of friendships and relationships, or lack thereof, I still haven't heard a word from Brett in the past thirteen days. It's like he's drilling a nail into my heart without doing anything, almost a confirmation he could care less about me. I deleted all ways to contact him to stop myself from stupidly calling him if I became emotional, and knowing Brett, I might as well close his chapter in my life. I always recited a quote to him, whenever he lost understanding of how I felt:

There's nothing more sad than loving someone who used to love you.
~Anonymous

Passing

2009-01-10T04:43:00.002-05:00

As always when I post this seemingly trivial story of my life, I am reminded how much things can change in a month, as noted from my previous blog. Life often reminds me, and presumably you as well that often nothing stays stagnant for very long. Relationships are non-existent now, friendships seem to break on a daily basis, and financial troubles are the only thing that stays indistinguishable to the turns of my life.

My grandfather Dale Brandt on my father's side passed away on the week of Christmas, leaving the extended family mangled, trying to give off the illusion we were coming together because of his death. I mourned myself for two days, both while in Lakeland, FL. I cried softly as my hand stroked across his casket, seeing his face for the last time in a way he would have never looked like had he been alive. I allowed myself to shed another tear at the burial ceremony, placing my hand into the cup of ashes, sprinkling it across his casket. "Dust to dust" as they say.

Over the holidays, I bought a single gift for someone else to have. It wasn't destined for my parents, or my family at all, not to my best friend Chase or Cari, but someone else entirely. I went to the mall with my twin sister Kristen, being rushed to get errands done, and I being the least dominant twin, let her do things her way. After she had browsed for a little while, I finally had my chance to look for the gift I was so eager to obtain. I walked into Hollister, the store's dim lighting confusing me as always, scanning the store for anything resembling what I required. I walked to the jewelry section and found the necklace case, exactly what I had been looking for. After a few minutes of rummaging through the case and blocking the line to the cashier, I found the one suited to my tastes the most and purchased it with credit, as I have no real income. I eyed the necklace on the way home, a circle pendant hanging from it. I smiled holding it in my hands and slowly kissed it clear from my sister's view. When I arrived at home, I quickly placed it into a package and wrote a letter addressed to Brett, signed "Love, Michael". I used my legal name because I knew he liked it, imagining his smile from the small gesture. He was the only one allowed to call me Michael, which made him special in a way.

Time goes by, and the new years approaches. He received the package the day before Christmas and opened it the day after the holiday. After bargaining with him for a little while, he finally sent me a picture of the necklace on him, forcing me to smile widely at the sight. I teased him for not including his face in the picture, and after a bit more persuasion I received that picture too the next morning, which to me was well worth the wait. I called him daily, as usual, adding in a few lines every once in a while such as "I love you Brett, you know that right", knowing he didn't harbor the same feelings. Often, he'd just say "I know", with the occasional sigh added, but it never bothered me as long as I was sure he knew. It's been years now, and as much as he and I would like my care for him to dissipate, it's just not foreseeable.

Two days before New Years, he decided to re-add me on the social networking site Myspace, which I was pleased with. The next day when I looked at his page, I noticed something about his top friends. For one, I was at the bottom of a very long list, and secondly, one of the very highest people in his list was the only man in this world I regrettably hold hatred towards. Crushed and confused, I decided to text him about it, which erupted into a bitter argument in which he told me that the man was much better of a friend than I ever was. I went to sleep numb with chills running down my spine, gripping my sheets as tight as possible, as if they'd be ripped from my body if I released my hold. I tried texting and calling him on New Year's Eve, but all my efforts proved to be unsuccessful. To release some stress, I went to the castle with Kit Kitsune. When midnight struck on the clocks, I was dancing on a pedestal in The Castle Nightclub. The music was turned off, the announcement was made that it was now 2009, and all I could do was stand there above the crowd, watching everyone kiss. I could feel the cold I had felt the previous night in that instant.

When I arrived back at home, I laid down on my bed and held my phone firmly to my ear as I called him. No answer. I left a voicemail I should have left a long time ago, a voicemail saying how tired I was, tired of playing his little games. I'm tired of loving someone who cares so little about me, that he can just walk away and feel so little, tired that he trusts the person who betrayed me more than he trusts me, loving and honest with him. I told him if he wanted to hear from me in 2009, to contact me, and if not, then goodbye. I have heard nothing from him to this day, but I continue to hold my breath and move forward.

"Passing" is a suitable phrase that can describe my life in it's current state. Classes have started, and I am closer to being a professional than ever. I passed my CompTIA A+ Essentials exam on January fifth, half of what I need to complete the A+ certification. I am prepared for more certifications, and I have applied to a great amount of jobs. But not everything passing in life can be so kind, but even so, I fully accept every piece of this passing, good and bad. My grandfather passed away, although he was a great man when he was among the living and I have lost two friends within the last week, one of which I broke off with, the other whom broke off with me. But although not all of these events have been kind to me, I will simply appreciate what they have contributed to my knowledge, and pass on.

Tribute to Cari & Donna

2008-12-11T03:30:00.003-05:00

I really should be getting to bed, as I have a Doctor's appointment for my next series of illness's, but I felt strongly about posting this.

This is a tribute to one of my best friends Cari and her loving fiance Donna. I know we aren't able to spend much time together anymore with our conflicting schedules and distance, but I have never felt my love for you two diminish in the least bit. You, along with Brett and Chase, make up what feels like my happy extended family. You girls manage to squeeze a smile out of me when I am feeling down or at my worst, you give me support when I'm having problems in my relationships without bias, and when I'm with you, I feel completely at home.

I've only known Donna for a year and a half, but I have been behind you two the entire way, never doubting your loving relationship when others did. I've stood by your side when times became thick with tension, whether it be personal plans we feel the need to carry out, or revelations to our families. I am touched you choose to stand behind me as well, through thick and thin as well.

Thank You so much Cari and Donna, may you have my blessings into the future ahead of us.

Love,
Kito

Exams & Anxiety

2008-12-09T04:39:00.003-05:00

When did school ever become so complicated? It seems that all I see when I log onto Myspace and Facebook are status comments from friends talking about the exams and finals. Unfortunately, I more than others, understand how they feel, if not stronger.

My Intro to Networks class ended last Tuesday, which is made to prepare us for the CompTIA Network+ Exam, and is also the prerequisite to CCNA (Cisco Certified Network Associate). To clarify, the Network+ Exam is not part of our grade for the class, but a professional certificate we are expected to obtain. The cost is priced at $239.00 for the first attempt for the exam, so the stakes are relatively high.

But it doesn't end there. I have also been working on a one year course of study that was compressed into one semester. The class was called Computer Upgrade & Repair and Advanced Computer Upgrade & Repair. The combination ready you for the CompTIA A+ exam, which is general computer knowledge. This exam also has a hefty cost of $168.00 per attempt.

I am sad to say that even after my courses and the reading I've done, I feel I am still not ready for either exam, yet I must have them both by the time January rolls around. I am over $500 in debt, and I am struggling to find a job. It feels as if I'm cornered into a trap: I can't make money, without spending it. On the way out of my final Advanced Computer Upgrade & Repair class, I overheard everyone talking about taking their exams, prepared of course. I shook hands with them, walked out to my car, rested my head on the steering wheel, and cried.

This is way too much stress for me to handle right now. Matt and I finally split up a little over a week ago, so I can't help but feel unstable. No matter who I hang out with, regardless of how much fun I may have with them, the moment they leave me to go home, I am back in darkness. Should I label that depression? Even I do not know.

To top the icing on the cake of horror, I had my PC completely perfect tonight, working well with a mix of Vista & Ubuntu, until I tried to restart that is. When I erased Ubuntu the first time, it took the Master Boot Record with it. As a result, I have been reinstalling windows and restoring backups all night.

Although computers are a large part of my life, it's as if they feel the need to be as stable as their owner.

Sickness

2008-11-26T02:57:00.002-05:00

Lately it feels as if I have the worst of luck with my health. This strikes me as odd as I have never contracted a sickness for the past four years while on my Vegan diet. Today I realized I was sick for the third time (with completely different symptoms every time) this month. If you have a weak stomach, then I advice you either stop reading, or grab a puke bag for what follows.

A month ago I contracted what felt like a very strong flu fever. It caused me to be bed bound for an entire week. For the first three days I slept for about eighteen hours a day, just wanting to die. On the fourth day I contracted what felt like strep throat. After visiting the doctor on the fifth day, after he did testing, he determined it was not strep or mono, but a throat infection. He prescribed me Ciproflaxin for three weeks. On the remainder of the fifth, the sixth, and seventh day, I was in so much pain that I was unable to eat. The back of my throat was swollen, which also halted me from speaking. Jonathan and Derek decided to come over and give me a get well card and such.

As they were getting ready to come over (three hours), I noticed in the bathroom that the back of my throat had a white spot. When I tried to wipe it off, it returned, and I noticed the white stuff was on my finger. It was pus. It began to trickle out of the infected area, which became the most repulsive two hours of my life. I nearly feinted from the taste and smell. After the wound stopped excreting what reminded me of rotting sewage, I felt one hundred percent okay. Jonathan, Derek, and I went out to eat at a Vietnamese restaurant.

A week later, I realized how itchy I was all of a sudden. After about a week it exceeded what I would consider normal and went to my doctor, which surprised him as I had seen him the week before. He determined I had contracted scabies, a microscopic mite that burrows into your skin and causes allergic reactions all over your body. This is when I started thinking "Oh come on... this sickness crap is getting ridiculous". He prescribed me Perimethiam cream, which is a toxin you put on your skin for fourteen hours. How enjoyable to say the least. I applied the cream, but even after the mites are dead, I will continue to experience symptoms for the next two weeks, as the mite triggers allergic reactions in humans.

Just for bio-feedback, I asked my doctor to give me an STD test on everything I could be tested for. He did swab tests, blood samples, and urine tests. The nurse accidentally punctured through my vein while trying to extract my blood, which made me slightly annoyed. (Today I received a voice mail saying I was one hundred percent clean, which is what I had expected anyways.)

Yesterday, I noticed a small dry cough and random headaches, nothing serious, but an obvious sign of a cold. Today the cough was still dry, but now I have a runny nose. This accounts for the third sickness I've experienced. Usually I'd just blame it on the AIDS, but apparently I don't have that. At least that would explain why I am suddenly being attacked by god's plagues from hell. Such is Life.

Virtual Life Transferred

2008-11-25T03:20:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since I wrote my last blog, and as usual many things have happened since then. I will start off with the basics.

Matt and I are struggling in our relationship, or it would be more accurate in saying I am struggling with our relationship. The constant loneliness just drives me mad. I really do like him, but we share nothing in common in the least. We seem very separate even when we are in his apartment together. I feel guilty, like it's my fault I'm not interested into what he's interested in vice versa. I called him Monday night to tell him how I honestly felt, which he was very open and understanding to. We decided that I'll come over to his place this week still while my mind clears.

I am now a "Non-Degree" seeking student at USF. Because I am not able to transfer my credits from HCC yet, and I need my two Japanese credits to graduate, I decided to dual enroll to complete the requirements. I can register for classes starting December 5th. I am doing very poorly in my Advanced Computer Upgrade & Repair and my Intro to Networking courses, and I even have to drop my Intermediate Algebra class for the second time this year. I will have to rely on grade forgiveness to get rid of the mark on my GPA. I just seem to have trouble studying lately.

I quit Final Fantasy XI Online on November 19th. I gathered all of my friends and said my goodbyes. I cried as I said goodbye to one of my online best friends as I logged out for the last time in front of her. I played the game for four years straight with over 140 Days of playtime. I started it with my ex-partner Steve, which kept giving me bad memories throughout the years, so I considered it was time. To prevent myself from returning back, I put my account up for sale for $584, which should sell within the next two months.

I started playing World of Warcraft with several friends, which I hope will be the beginning of a new virtual world for me. So far I feel lonely in game, not knowing where I am half the time. I'm sure it will get better in time.

I also started playing an early Christmas present Chase bought me, "Left 4 Dead". It's an online Co-Op Zombie shooter with four main characters. The goal is to survive, but to do so, you must survive while helping your teammates. I give it a 9/10 Rating for such a great AI (Artificial Intelligence) system. Thanks Chase!

Job-Wise, becoming a substitute has been very enjoyable, but I get no hours at all! The area I live in has very well established substitute teachers, giving me the last to pick what I what (if anything is left). I talked to the manager at Borders, and I'm trying to get a job there, if only seasonal.

Only time will tell how things progress. I'm going to go get the much needed sleep I deserve. Good Night.

Virtual Life Restored

2008-10-10T03:25:00.004-04:00

I sit at my computer late in the night, pausing every once in a while to look up at the news displayed on my TV, and I contemplate late events in my life. This includes both the physical and virtual worlds of course.

As for general life, I am practically living with my boyfriend Matt now, usually spending the night for three to five nights a week. We celebrated our five weeks together tonight, slipping in a kiss as I reminded him. Matt, his roommate and I went to Joe Biden's rally at USF on Tuesday morning. I feel Joe Biden gave a great speech about the economy. After the speech, Matt and I went back to his apartment and filled out our absentee ballots for the November election, which I later mailed that evening. As always, I give Barack Obama my full support!

In relationships, I started talking to Ralphh again after not talking to him for several weeks and I feel we made up pretty well. I still have not talked to Brett, but I have politely tried to talk to him with little results (not that I'm too concerned). Last Saturday I was able to meet a few furries at the Castle. One of them is Charles, a great guy who nearly impossible to imagine in a non-pleasant mood.

In my work life, I recently received two more students to the class I watch. I now have a total of thirty two students in the group, one of which is handicapped. Earlier this week the handicapped student became upset over no visible reason, and decided to bite through his hand. Seeing this, I naturally panicked and froze. Luckily, one of my bosses was nearby and witnessed it happening and came to the aid quickly. Unfortunately we cannot simply kick the student out of the program even when we are not qualified to take care of him (Thank you american disability act). Luckily I will end my normal work schedule on October 17th and start my substitute teacher training on October 20th, eventually quiting the program I am in now on the 30th.

At school, things have been piling up rather quickly. I had to have my friend Kit Kitsune (another furry) help me with my first Introduction to Networking exam. Sadly, even when working together on it, we only scored a sixty five percent. I then took my last Computer Upgrade & Repair exam with Kit monitoring me in case I made any obviously incorrect answers. This resulted in a final exam score of ninety one percent and a final "A" grade for the class. I start my Advanced Computer Upgrade & repair on the twentieth. This also made it so I reached the thirty credit mark for my degree.

After calling GMs (Game Masters) in Final Fantasy XI today, and after much time talking with a Senior GM, I had my characters restored and my account fixed entirely. For all the final fantasy players reading this: thank you for your support and best wishes while I was gone. I expect to play less than I previously played before.

Well it's late, and I'm afraid I won't share anymore for tonight. Goodnight everyone.

Clarifying Blog Policies

2008-10-03T23:41:00.001-04:00

Hey everyone!
Today's post really isn't a blog. It's more of a clarification. Recently I have recieved a comment saying quote:

"please take me off of this blog. if its not removed i will report you."

My response is simple. No.

It is my personal policy as a blogwriter not to retract any statement or post I have made in past blogs. There are many things you may not like about this blog, hell, there are many things I do not like about this blog, but under no circumstance will I undercut the authenticity of my personal recollection for you or even for myself.

About reporting me, please note the address bar says www.Kitosoma.com

That is a clear indication this is my blog, not yours, not Bloggers.

Although you cannot report me, there is a "Flag" feature you are free to use if you feel my blog is too "Adult Content". Blogger's official policy:

"It's our strong belief that blogs help make the Web an important medium of self-expression; Blogger has given a voice to millions of people. Our users gossip, joke, rant, publish, share, and on occasion might post potentially objectionable stuff. We generally do not review the content posted through our service but our responsibility extends beyond Blogger users to casual readers of Blog*Spot.

The Flag button is a means by which readers of Blog*Spot can help inform us about potentially questionable content, so we can prevent others from encountering such material by setting particular blogs as 'unlisted.' This means the blog won't be promoted on Blogger.com but will still be available on the Web — we prefer to keep in mind that one person's vulgarity is another's poetry. Or something like that.

For more serious cases, such as spam blogs or sites engaging in illegal activity, we'll continue to enforce our existing policies (removing content and deleting accounts when necessary)."

So by all means, spam that little flag button to your hearts content. Thank you for your continued interest in my blogs, but please refrain from trying to run it yourself.

Goodbye Tyler & Brett

2008-09-29T04:27:00.001-04:00

After talking to a friend this evening, I feel he helped clear my mind on things that have added stress to my life as of late.

As always, I will be completely honest in my blog, and I will say as a disclaimer that it is not my intention to humiliate any individual I discuss.

My name is Kito. I am an 18-year old furry. I've been in love twice.
And I lost two friends that meant the world to me for years, all in a single month.

Tyler.
You were one of my best friends since the day I met you in my Freshman year of high school. You inspired me into learning Japanese and furthering my interest in computers and anime. One of which is now what i'm working to get my degree in. You helped me feel accepted being myself, even if I was more liberal than most. You were there when my life started crumbling in front of me. When Steve starting hurting me, you were the only one there to stand for me and say enough is enough. Thank You Tyler.

But there are characteristics in your personality I will forever view as very flawed.
You lied to others in front of me in every situation imaginable. You stole from others on a regular basis throughout our constant friendship in high school, denying any involvement even with solid evidence. You treaded on my personal feelings often, shrugging off what it meant to me. You disrespected my name on a daily basis even when I asked you to call me by my common name repeatidly. You stepped into Brett and I's relationship and contributed to the damage of a friendship. You had the nerve to accuse me of trying to steal your boyfriend from you, when it's obvious I would want nothing like that from him. You dissapointed me.

Brett:
You were the first person I said "I Love You" to without having fear of being beaten. You made me smile for four years, even when times became rough. You introduced me into politics. You were there for me no matter what time of day it was. You understood me more than anyone for a long time.

You hurt me on a constant basis. You would hold my heart, throw it on the ground, and stomp on it. You gave me false hope for a future with you for years. You were demeaning to me on common aspects. You told me you would never marry a furry. You made me drunk of guilt. You encouraged me to cheat on others. You blamed me for your own problems. You acted like the victim.

Before I started dating Matt this month, I told you it was time for me to grow up, and that the sexual relationship we had for years had to end. I think I made the right choice, knowing I can wake up next to my boyfriend, and know he's everything. That's what you will lack Brett.

I love you guys so much! You were amazing friends and I am so happy I was able to share my life with you two. I broke my connection to both of you in pursuit of a better life. Just know, that I really did and still do care about you guys. We had rough times together, enough to be unrepairable. But that's okay, life will go on even when we aren't there for each other.

Tyler, I never wanted your man.
Brett, I will never change for you.

Goodbye.

Jonathan's Imagination (#2)

2008-08-20T00:04:00.002-04:00

It's been three years (and two days to be exact) since I have posted one of my good friend Kibble's chats with me. I found this very amusing to say the least.

[23:59] Kitosoma: I just got back from starbucks
[23:59] Kitosoma: did you know
[23:59] Kitosoma: if you get their rewards card
[23:59] Kitosoma: you get 2 hours free wifi there a day
[23:59] Kitosoma: free syrup and soy
[23:59] Kitosoma: free refills on brewed coffee and iced coffee
[23:59] Sirkibble007: its all shit to get you to spend more friggen money
[23:59] Kitosoma: no
[23:59] Sirkibble007: free my ass
[23:59] Kitosoma: you dont spend anymore
[00:00] Kitosoma: You just load money on your card
[00:00] Sirkibble007: they still get your soul
[00:00] Kitosoma: I really like it
[00:00] Sirkibble007: you're addicted now
[00:00] Sirkibble007: that craps worst then nicotine
[00:00] Kitosoma: I like Seattle's Coffee more
[00:00] Kitosoma: but they charge me $30 a month for wifi
[00:00] Kitosoma: and $0.65 for soymilk shots
[00:01] Sirkibble007: you pay to use wifi places
[00:01] Sirkibble007: that crap should be free yo
[00:01] Sirkibble007: its just waves and crap
[00:01] Sirkibble007: thats like having to pay for.... swimming
[00:01] Sirkibble007: in the ocean
[00:01] Sirkibble007: with porn
[00:01] Kitosoma: lol
[00:02] Sirkibble007: orgies and popups just swimmin aroun
[00:02] Sirkibble007: around*
[00:02] Sirkibble007: a lifeguard pops up... I see you like our coffee... WAIT no looking up orgies here!
[00:02] Kitosoma: LOL
[00:02] Sirkibble007: swim back to shore your poor free loader
[00:02] Sirkibble007: damn ... I'm tired

Three years later and I still love your insane imagination more than anything. <3

Summer of Change

2008-08-19T02:01:00.003-04:00

I realize it’s been a long time since I have written a story or blog, but sometimes it’s more fun to experience life before writing about them. This summer has been one of which I will remember later in my life. I have experienced new events of tragedy and pain, as well as excitement and happiness.

First, I will continue what I left off.
My last blog sounded quite certain, wouldn’t you agree? Robb and I had an amazing time together, but in all honesty, it wouldn’t have worked out in the long run. I was too sure of everything and he was too unsure of everything, which can be quite the lethal combo. I planned to move to Columbus, Ohio with him in August (the current month). I bought a $300 plane ticket to visit him, which he said he would pay back in full, to make sure he was the person he was displaying himself to be. In the end, he broke up with me four days before the trip out of insecurity of something wrong happening and only paid for half the ticket. This left me financially and emotionally crippled for a while, but all I can do is move forward.

I started dating Jourdan on July 4th. Great relationship with a great guy I would label it as. He was an otaku also and loved his work, which to me is quite admirable. We went to Metrocon 2008 together July 18th to July 20th where he dressed up as Ishida from Bleach, and I dressed up as Maebara Keichii from When They Cry. Things started getting distant that weekend with all of his friends around. I wanted more attention from him, but it wasn’t something he could show with his friends I assume. We mutually broke up July 25th.

On July 23rd, I boarded a plane heading to Newburgh, New York to go see my long term online friends Crosis and Natsuchii, whom I met years ago playing Final Fantasy XI Online. They lived in the Village of Ellenville with a population of four thousand people, much smaller than I originally anticipated. The village was located in the center of a valley of surrounding mountains. The day I got there, Natsu found out she was pregnant and had a royal breakdown. She experienced morning sickness for the entire week I was there. For the first four days in their apartment, I did not leave the building. We watched more TV than I have watched in the last year, and played online video games. As a side note, I met a guy online named Ralph during this trip On the day before I left to go back to Tampa (Tuesday, July 29th), we went to Kingston about an hour away to visit the mall and stock up at the grocery store. The next morning I hugged them both at the tiny airport and said goodbye as I boarded the flight back to Tampa.

During my trip to New York, I started getting in touch with my furry side (see furry fandom). I was invited by my longtime friend and favorite barista Clayton to accompany him to a furry event called “Elliott’s Summer Celebration 2008”.

August 9th 2008, I went to my first furry event ever in Orlando, Florida. I stayed at Clayton’s apartment the night before. We even went and stocked up on vegan food for the weekend that Friday. While I was there it opened my eyes to many new things in the subculture known as “Furry Fandom”. I then found my fursona (which is your furry persona resembling an animal) that week: A Husky. I choose Husky for its active, positive, playful, and hyper personality, which I would like to think, resembles me. I made many new friends during that weekend. I made friends with Kurtsa (Fursona: Pink Cheetah), who took me out to eat at the Rainforest Café in downtown Disney for dinner Saturday night. On Sunday, I befriended another special person named Alex (Fursona: Meerkat) who was just as playful as I am, but smaller in size. We then spent Sunday at Wet N Wild Water Park in Orlando where Kurtsa, Alex, and I had a great time. Sadly it ended and I had to drive for almost two hours because I was driving from North Orlando.

And so that is how my summer of 2008 has treated me. What more could I ask for?

I'm Moving

2008-06-04T00:29:00.001-04:00

Hey Everyone, Kito Here~!

First off, I wanted to explain the title of the Bulletin. As many of you know, I've been looking into moving. Well lately, something changed my outlook on everything. For my entire life, I've never really found someone that was similar to me. I guess I always felt a sense of loneliness, even when my best friends were with me (Although they have helped me so much! ). I'm gay, I'm a Vegan, I'm an advocate for politics, human rights, and animal welfare. These traits always seemed to turn off people. For example, my ex-partner and I struggled with religion differences and personal belief on an every day level. He thought I was in a cult for being Vegan of all things! I've constantly been dumped or dumped others for drastic differences in personal beliefs. I don't date non-vegetarians without experiencing extreme withdrawal from that individual, or the lack of caring for an animal. Comments like "Vegans are stupid hippies" or "It's just an animal, it has no feelings" from relationships in the past.

Well I'm very happy to say I think I've found the person right for me. After six months of casually knowing each other, almost a month of dating online (through hours of phone conversations and 'virtual dates' daily), I think I have found a person right for me.

The man's name is Robb: An amazing Vegan, Straight-Edge (No Alcohol or Drugs of any kind), animal & human rights advocate, and a truely compassionate person. Although I have been stressed over friendships breaking and forming lately, he has been there for me every step of the way. He is an inspiration to me in my daily life and keeps me moving forward. I will be visiting his city from June 19-23 just to see how life there is.

But you might be thinking "Aren't you going a little fast?". My Answer: Not at all. He's not only my boyfriend, but a good friend. We do not say the word "Love" in our relationship, as we both feel it is a sacred word. I feel our bond will become stronger in the future, and I am happy to announce officially of our plans to a brighter future:

In August or September, I will be moving to his city of
Columbus, Ohio

Some of you might be worried at this point. That's fine and it's only natural. My biggest concern was my Education, and after finding out my scholarship fund ended last semester, I did some research. At Columbus State Community College, Out-Of-State tuition is only $179 /Credit Hour. For those not in college, or those who have not been in college recently, this is an amazing price. After one year of residence that fee will drop to $79 /Credit Hour. Thank You all for your support as I begin this transition!

~Kito
キトソマ

Doors of Destiny - Dedicated to Brett

2008-05-08T00:40:00.003-04:00

I feel I am a genuinely nice person to everyone who crosses my path. That pretty much would sum up everything I would like to say. Unfortunately, I don’t want to stop while I’m ahead.

Life lately feels as if it is a series of decisions, decisions that are destined to alter my life forever. I open one door of life, but at the same time I will simultaneously close many others. Just the thought of this philosophical process is enough to drive me mad. Is what I do today going to affect me thirty years from now?

Regardless of whether it may be fortunate or unfortunate, the same process integrates with my relationships with others, it being friendship or to the level of a deep love. As an example, the fact I became vegan opened many different walks of life to me, many of which I am grateful; But at the same time it may have written the last page of a deep loving relationship I had with my ex-partner. How would you label such an event? Would it be a blessing, or maybe a terrible loss? Only the persons it affected may decide that.

So now my adult life begins. I am a legal adult now and I feel as if I am already pressured into many scenarios at once. Finances are becoming scarce to me, relationships on many levels are forming and breaking, and I’m left with the burning question that haunts me daily: What doors should I open and what doors should I close next?

On the relationship level, my relationship with one of my best friends seems to deteriorate further and further. Can I even call it a friendship anymore? He’s one of two people I have ever said “I love you” to. That was a door I chose to open in my life, one that closed many others. I have struggled to keep things placid between us with nothing but failing results. It brings to mind yet another question: Once you step through a door, can you go step back through it, shutting that part of your life out of existence?

The answer is a simple no. Once you step through a path of life, you can’t turn back and run away. I’ll face my pain, my fear, my loneliness that I brought upon myself by opening that door. I can stand on my own two feet without help. You are my desire to move on, to push past it all. There is yet another door waiting to be opened. So after all these questions I ask of you one more: What door should I open?

~Dedicated to Brett Bruhanski, the second love of my life.

Goodbye Sammy

2008-04-29T20:59:00.001-04:00

Dusk had approached as the man stood looking through the glass door to his back porch. The Golden Retriever on a leash was looking very ill, staring at his watcher with a look that was unfamiliar to both of them. Something was wrong in this picture, almost a looming feeling in the air. The man opened the glass door and stepped out quickly approaching his dog. Something was very wrong. The Retriever looked at the man for a moment and stumbled over onto the concrete floor as he approached.

The man rushed over and held onto the head of his friend, but already noticed that the eyes of the animal had started to roll backwards. Dark yellow urine began to flow from underneath him as tears began to flow down the man’s face.

The stairs to their home had never felt so hard to climb before as he ran for help. “Mom, come quick!” he yelled as he began to run back downstairs. She opened her phone after seeing him on the floor, and tears began to flood her eyes. “Where are you?” she cried in a hoarse voice into the phone. The man knew she was talking to his step-father.

His head was still moving and his eyes gained a more natural look. “He’s still alive!” she said. The man knew it would be over any minute. He held his friend’s fur and cried. “I love you, I love you, I love you. Please don’t leave me!” the man said repeatedly hugging the dog.

But he still died.

Sammy died at 7:52 PM on April 29, 2008 in his owner’s arms. I love you Sammy, Rest In Peace.

~Kito

Cruelty Is life

2008-03-25T00:28:00.004-04:00

His legs were crossed on the coffeehouse patio early in the evening, something that was not an unusual occurrence for the man. The breeze was a bit cool, but nothing a Floridian couldn't handle. Emptiness seemed to winning the war that had been raging inside him for so long.

Is life like a dark room, where only glimpses of light shine through? Is it just a long path of nothing with bursts of happiness along the way. You see, the problem with light, is that it always seems to fade. When you replace a bulb in your home, you attempt to buy the brand that will last the longest, for once the filament burns out, it will be dark again. When you light a candle, surely you know the wick will eventually die out.

Now you may say "What about the sun? The sun won't die out!". Oh but it will come to an end! In ten billion years the sun's light will die out and there will be nothing that follows. In this way, it's easy to understand that when something (and in fact anything) begins, it is already doomed to end.

It feels as if life is a toy that is played with among the world. Something so precious is given to everything so alive, yet by nature's law it must be ripped away at some time or another. They say "Life is cruel", yet I must disagree. The maker, may it be god or nature, is the real source of cruelty.

The latte the man held became cold as the minutes passed, the scent slowly dissipating.

Overlooking Promise

2008-02-13T23:48:00.001-05:00

The air was cold against the man’s light skin as he stared across the open bay, the breeze pushing his blonde hair from his face. The stone bench beneath him, stained with algae from the moisture, had suited the man more than he had first expected. A light silhouette shone out in the distance, matching with the stars that stood out from the sky. Five minutes had passed since the large hand of his Seiko watch on his wrist hit nine, but it seemed so late into the night already.

To his right was a man of darker skin with black hair that was no longer than an inch or so. The smell of salt seemed to cause a sort of calmness to the spot, a natural piece of the world in a way. Sand had already managed to coat their legs, a last blessing from the breeze of the bay. But none of this mattered to either of the persons. Their hands clasped together in between them, still overlooking the water. A life eternal with the one they love. The promise they had given each other but such a distant time ago. The starlight seemed to shine for the couple as their lips touched, forming a soft kiss.

A Black Labrador’s bark echoed across the sand, its tail wagging with delight. The man of blonde hair called for his dog to return to his side, which it obliged happily. With one hand he rubbed the head of man’s best friend, and the other had come to rest in his partner’s grasp. The man of black hair pulled his partner to his feet and pulled him along the sand, kicking off their shoes in delight. They tackled each other near the shore, submitting to the kisses they gave to each other. The lab had joined in the pile in the clammy sand, licking its owner’s face clean. The man with blonde hair had stood to his feet and walked to the water. With his hands cupped together, he scooped cold water into the basin of his palms.

As he splashed his face with the water, he had sensed something wrong. The man awoke from his dream in a few blinks. He sat up in his bed and looked out of the window’s frame over the beach’s water. There was no dogs bark to be heard, and no one’s hand clasped to his. On the counter a stack of paper’s had laid beneath some books. The man of blonde hair didn’t need to read the paper to know what it said, “waterfront apartment, roommate needed”.

Underlying Emotion

2008-02-10T22:25:00.000-05:00

It's been three days since Brett and I broke up. I promised myself I wouldn't make another post or blog about him for a while, so I'm apologizing for going against my own word.

I have had many friends here for me helping me feel better about what happened. Thanks Joey, Chase, Natsu, Tyler, Cari, and Grant (Even though you're my step-brother). I really know who my true friends are.

This silence between Brett (Heartfang) and I is taking it's toll on me honestly. I want to crawl up into a corner and cry. I was so embaressed at work on Friday, one of the girls came up to me as I thought of him and said "What's wrong Mr. Kito? You look like you're sick or something". It honestly felt like a punch in the gut, even though she didn't know what she caused. Is it really that obvious?

I just don't think I ever had a chance. If you read earlier blogs, I not only hurt him once but also twice. Is this a grudge he held against me (Even if it may be unintentional and/or subconscious feelings). I never had a clean slate with him during our relationship. We also had a great array of different feelings. I believe long distance can work between two people, and he didn't. I feel he doesn't show his emotions enough, and I show my emotions too much. He compared me to a girl in a fight we had, which in return, I compared him to a rock.

End of story is: I really want my best friend back.

~Kito

Impact Is Possible

2008-02-07T23:27:00.000-05:00

So today I went to Chase's Uncle's Business tonight around 8:30. I was really upset at the time because Brett (Heartfang) had just broken up with me. I had to install their new three thousand dollar printer that is WiFi compatible. Turned out to be really easy with my skills. Chase and I went to Steak & Shake and I felt bad because I had a milkshake (I feel so nasty). I really am trying to get back on my completely Vegan eating. When I arrived home, I logged onto Myspace and read this message:

"Not too sure if you remember me... I messaged you ages ago because of FFXI then I kinda quit because of money problems. I remember us arguing about you being vegan one day and me and all my...meat eating drinking abusiveness and I'll have you know that I took an environmentalist course at my High School and I no longer Smoke Cigs or Weed, Drink Milk or Eat eggs. Meat doesn't go down well either anymore... Ironically enough I want to apologize for being a douche :D
~Joey"

It really cheered me up. It reminded me that even though a person may have certain views now, they can change. I am happy knowing I can put an impact on other people's lives. Thank You for listening to my views.

Arms Were Always Closed

2008-02-07T19:37:00.000-05:00

After three weeks, Brett and I's relationship ended. I thought all was well, hell I thought all was perfect until two weeks in.

Brett told me he was uncertain about us along with a few other things he had neglected to tell me. How could someone so close to me, stay so far away? Out of all people, my online best friend for over a year and a half. It's as if, when we became boyfriends that he turned into a completely different person. It felt as if the longer our relationship was going on, the farther he would pull away from me.

He told me today he had lost interest in me. Now I don't know what to do. I want to cry because it feels like I lost my best friend and my boyfriend.

Brett says he started losing feelings for me when I started saying I love you. He was the second person I have said those words to in my life, the first of which was my partner for two years. He says when I talked about living together and partnership he felt taken back. He even accused me of pressuring him into the relationship in the first place. But even if that was true, isn't he just as bad for succumbing to the pressure?

He even said I love you back to me and then admitted a week later he didn't mean it.

I feel lied to. Betrayed. Withdrawn. Cold. Alone. Even my best friend couldn't be there for me for over two weeks. He lied to me, and that's what makes me hurt the most.

I sent him texts saying I still love him and care about him, but he just wants to run away and ignore me.

I was never Back in his Arms to begin with.

Back In Arms

2008-01-18T23:55:00.000-05:00

It's been almost a year since I last dated Brett. For many reasons of course. He's been my online Best Friend for over a year since our last breakup. Last time was we dated it was during what I like to call the "Steve Era". During that time, I was being pulled between Steve and Brett, and eventually I chose Steve over Brett because of my insane obsession with him.

But that Era is dead in my life, and now I'm a generally happy person. I decided that I wanted to be with Brett again, because he means alot to me in my life. He even rivaled my obsession and love of Steve almost a year ago.

We had dated for about a month, I don't know the exact dates. Steve came along and asked to have me back. I hesitated at first and then chose to leave Brett. That was my first of a series of mistakes. After about a week, Steve decided to leave me, so being as naive as before, I went crawling back to Brett. He took me under his arm and sincerely cared for me. After about a week, Steve once again came back in my life, and being as dumb as before I made my second mistake in leaving Brett again. During all this time I knew I was hurting Brett, but I did it anyways in hope that Steve would change. Shortly after, Steve left me yet again.

When I tried going back to Brett, he made a very wise choice and gave me a firm no. I was crushed but now that I look back on it, it was merited for. Time went by and Steve gradually exited by life and let me be. He worked at my favorite bookstore (Borders), and that's the only place I'd see him.

I dated many men in between that time and now. It's unfortunate to say that none of my boyfriends really scratched the surface of my feelings. But most of them were very good people and I wish for some of them to continue being my friends. Only one man got remotely close to me, but was too afraid to admit it. His name was Sildar (Nick), and it wouldn't have worked out anyways. He became very cruel to me and said things that were beyond hateful. I'm glad Brett never turned out that way.

Over the past couple weeks I've been getting closer to Brett, knowing my feelings for him. I felt very bad that I was dating another boy (Ricky) while I had feelings from the past that were developing in the present. So after more than two months of being with Ricky, I broke up with him because I didn't like the idea that I was lying to him. It was kinda hard to break up with him because he was theoretically the perfect boyfriend, he didn't do anything wrong. He's going to make a man happy someday.

I've been pushing to date Brett since my last breakup with Ricky, but Brett was still very hesitant. It seems he doesn't have the strong feelings he used to have for me, but in a way that's very understandable. Last night we started dating again. It happened in a way that really surprised me. He's been telling me he wouldn't make the choice to date me until we meet in person in late July/early August of this year. This made me nervous because we were uncommitted and he had the option to go with another guy at any time. Brett knew of my insecurity.

He sent me a text message while I was sitting in the car with my friend Richard. I had said "I miss you" to Brett, and he sent me a message back saying "I miss you too". I hugged Richard out of happiness and sent a text back to him saying that I had hugged Richard because of it. He sent me a text back saying:

"Don't get too comfy there. I'm changing my Myspace status to 'In a Relationship'."

My heart stopped as I read it and I had to reread it to be sure. It made me so happy. I just wanted to thank you Brett. . . For giving me another chance.

Times Are Rough

2008-01-17T19:20:00.000-05:00

He smiled as the friends around him laughed at his joke. He stood up underneath the room’s fluorescent light and placed his bag over his shoulder, feeling the weight of his studies as it sunk into his shoulder. He waved goodbye to everyone and laughed loudly as he exited the room.

He looked to his feet and watched the tile floor move beneath him with each step through the open corridor. As he turned around the corner away from the room’s view, a frown sank across the man’s face. He paused for a moment and sat on the floor.

Is this what life will feel like? Will the feelings in my chest always stay out of grasp?

If life is so short, then why must we spend so much time trying to find it?

Coffeehouse

2007-08-13T16:56:00.001-04:00

The doors to the coffeehouse felt heavy as I pushed them open this morning. Today was not a happy or sad day, but a day of memories, a day to find inner peace, and a day of observation. As I walk along the brown tiled floor, I can't help but notice a group of five students on my right, books laid across the table, laughing and having fun as they chatted about what might have been their next big school project. To my left there is an old man in a blue shirt leaning against the table into a newspaper, sipping his coffee every few minutes. I tread forward eying the bottom of a brown counter, knowing who and what stood behind it.

Approaching the counter, I force myself to slowly look up at the person in front of me. He wore an black apron over a white long sleeve dress shirt, bleach blond hair showing from underneath the coffeehouse's logo hat. He busily poured a mixture of coffee and ice into a blender, pushing the on button before turning around and looking into my eyes. A look of surprise stretched across his face, his brown eyes still looking into my blue eyes. "Oh... Hello." he muttered as he eyed my yellow shirt, his fingers crossing the register. I reached into my back right pocket for my wallet, not taking my eyes off of him. "Iced vanilla coffee please" I said as I pulled the single dollar bills out of the wallet in my hand. "Okay, your total will be two dollars and four cents" as he grasped the money from my hand, careful not to make physical contact with my fingers.

As I watched him prepare the coffee, I remember the times we sat together in his living room. "Steve, do you like coffee?" I asked him one afternoon. "Not really, I guess it's an acquired taste. Maybe I'll like it someday" he replied in a happy tone. As he tipped the ice in the coffee I thought, you were right all along, it's an acquired taste you've grown to love. "Here you go!" he said as he passed me the cup. After a moment of staring at the brown liquid he looked at me and realized what I was asking for. He reached into the fridge below the counter, pulling out a container that read: "Silk Soy Milk" and poured it into my drink. I looked outside as I walked towards the sweetener bar, poured in a few packets of splenda, stirred, and looked back around at the man that used to be my partner.

He stood in front of me, hands in his apron, not knowing what to say. "So how are you?" I asked with a confident tone of voice. He looked behind him for a moment and said "I'm good. My boyfriend is here". He turned around, staring at the bookstore connected to the coffeehouse. I looked in the direction he turned, eying the few people in the general area of his view. Among them was an Asian boy in the magazine isle, wearing a green t-shirt and blue jeans, walking our way. His sleek black hair only a few inches long, his face in a neutral attitude. I knew it was him as he avoided my eye contact, he movement giving off an evasive attitude.

I gathered my drink and book bag and set them down at the nearest wooden table from the Barrista counter, sitting down with my back turned towards the counter. It was not my business to speak with my ex-partner's new boyfriend. Instead, I unzipped my bag and pulled out the newest and final Harry Potter book and flipped it's crisp pages to where I had left off the night before. As I began to read I heard the whispers of Steve and his new boyfriend, informing him of my presence. But I was not here to fight, I was there to read and relax. I could feel the time pass, the pages turning every minute or so, and the sun outside slowly rise. Every once in a while I would see a green shirt in the corner of my left eye, leaning against the barrista wall. After three hours of sitting in the uncomfortable wooden chair, I preceded to use the bathroom in the book store. Walking through the isles of books beyond the coffeehouse, I saw the blond haired man and the boy in the green shirt standing over a shelf of books, discussing them and laughing.

As the blond haired man walked towards the employee break room, I walked beside him to the bathroom next to his destination. Feeling the presence of the boy in the green shirt behind me, I did not look back. Minutes later, I was back at the wooden table again as I shut my book. It was time to leave the coffeehouse and the two men I thought about while in it. I placed the yellow and green colored book back into my bag and threw it over my shoulder. As I pushed my chair in, I glanced at the counter where the two men stood. "Steve. I'm leaving, I'll talk to you later" I said as I stood next to the boy with the green shirt. "Okay" he replied as the boy in green turned his back to me, showing no interest in my existence.

The black coffeehouse doors seemed lighter as I walked out into the summer's heat. I had seen the boy with blond hair and had not cried, approached the boy in green and did not shiver. My green Isuzu sat before me crooked in a parking space as I thought, I may still love you Steve, but I have no right to interfere in your new relationship, no matter the person. Sweat already dripping from my forehead, I turned the ignition of the car and listened to the engine start up. The thought of you with another man hurts, but the thought of you being happy does not. That's all that matters.

Thunderstorm

2007-08-12T19:42:00.000-04:00

Lightning flickers in my window, covering the fluorescent light of my computer screen for but only a second. Rain slowly drips down the window outside leaving it's mark behind. The clicking of my fingers against the plastic keys below me keeping my concentration in sync. Pausing for a moment, I brush the hair out of my face and can only smile.

Many times in all of our lives we take what we have for granted, whether it be physical possessions, or just relationships with the people and animals around us. For instance, as I look around my room, I see many things many people may not have, and maybe even be jealous of me having: A TV, Computer, a seventy-five gallon fish tank, a bamboo fiber bed (organic too), a cabinet full of varieties of Tea, and a collection of Japanese anime.

I have the greatest friends in the world. Chase, you showed me so many things from a heterosexual point of view and you stayed my friend through my last year of high school. Cari, for years I only knew you as "That other girl", but you've become my best girlfriend. You're always there whenever I need you, and you keep me in like with your aggressive attitude. Sil, although we have never met in person, we've known each other for years or triumphs and failures. You help me more than you probably realize, and maybe you've helped shaped me into a better person. You also have an aggressive attitude as Cari, but you see everything from an intellectual point of view. Natsu, you are always just a phone call away when I have a "girl" problem. I'm here for you too! Then there's Brett, how I miss you and want you to come back online. You showed me a glimpse of how a relationship is supposed to work before you had to go away for months. I'm still waiting. There are other people worth mentioning: Ken, Kenny, Jonathan, Krista, Valerie, Cody, Nikkichan. You guys are awesome.

In time, I may have lost my partner. Thank you Stephen Michael Frayer II. When I told you I'd love you until the day I died, I wasn't lying. It's been years, and even if we aren't together, you're alive in my heart every waking moment. When I heard of your new long term boyfriend, I was kinda happy when you told me about him. If I can't take care of you, then I hope he does. He seems like a really nice guy.

I question whether I should date or not. But for now. That answer will remain no.

Now I hear the thunder gaining power, the lightning getting stronger. I walk over to my window and grip the curtains firmly as I close the gap where the light flashes through. I walk to my lamps and flicker them all on. I sit down and smile as I turn my music up, knowing I don't have to face the Thunderstorm anymore.

Mall Stumble

2007-08-08T01:15:00.000-04:00

People all around me are lauging, shouting, and whispering while I was at the mall today. It's a place to be with people whom you call friends. I chat with my friend alongside me as me walk past one of the fountins. My converse high-tops hitting the tile floor with each step.

I look up and my smile dissapears from my face and I feel all the hapiness drained from my body. My knees weaken, my legs shake, and my breath becomes heavy. I hear my friend speaking to me, but the words don't register in my mind. It feels as if the air gets cold and stale. I feel myself getting dizzy but there's no where to hold on. Steve is ten feet from me... looking into my eyes, my soul, me heart. How it hurts to know those Hazel eyes used to charm me, when now they hammer me down and make me feel beaten.

Those eyes no longer feel like home to me. I walk faster and my friend calls out to me, asking me to enter the store near steve. I ignore her. It's getting hard to walk and me feet feel too heavy to lift. I can feel my eyes water, screaming at me to let them cry. I stand in the middle of the mall looking away from everyone and anything, just standing. My friend tries to comfort me, but it still hurts.

It's obviously time to leave. She talks to me softly yet I cannot reply because my throat is dry. To leave we must pass him one more time. We walk past the Pagoda where he is shopping and he looks up one more time into my eyes. I flinched a little.

When out of sight, I ask my friend for a hug. I can walk more easily with the comfort of my friend being there to help me. I thank her as we walk on the gravel in the parking lot. She smiles as she starts the car.

But as we leave the parking lot, I think of you steve. Why can't I have my heart back after such a long time? I love you so much it hurts, but at the same time I harbor hate.

I close my eyes as we get on the road home.

Last Ingredient Missing in my Vegan Walk

2007-07-27T20:37:00.000-04:00

In Vegan Society... In a Vegan Lifestyle... Hate does not exist. I'm disgusted I try to clal myself Vegan sometimes, because I fail at living up to the title.

I got a phone call from my little sister today a little while ago while she was with friends at the mall. She said they saw him (steve) at the mall wearing all hollister. As I hung up I started crying.

I hate the fact he's still out there in my city, at the same places I go during my free time. I hate the emotional abuse he has put me through, where I can't think of him without losing my apetite. I hate that we hurt each other so much in our relationship, like holding pistols to each other and firing. And I hate how something so natural for us... daily life with each other... Just shattered.

Your dead to me *****. And your the only thing I hate in this world, the only thing holding me back from a completely vegan lifestyle. You make me cry and cry time again, even after a year of pain. And the worst part of all is you don't even know i'm crying...

Friends

2007-07-23T07:31:00.000-04:00

First, I want to apologize for not writing for long. It was a good break for the summer, but its not agood habit to kick if you know what I mean.

Alot of things have happened this summer and with age, I have realised some new things about the world, about myself, and my friends. I've noticed since him, there's been a wall cutting me off from pretty much everyone. But I guess in the end, it's something I will always have to face. I've tried so hard to pretend it's not there, but why lie? I even tried dating again.

Ken and I dated for about a week. It seemed that just after a few days the sparks were gone almostly completely. I would like to say that it's not his fault. I just felt like there was something stopping me. The memory of Steve. It feels like when i'm dating someone, i'm just comparing them to the qualities of steve. Am I really subconciously trying to replace him? That's not right and it's not acceptable. So, I ended my relationship with Ken. Gomenosai. (I'm sorry)

Lately, I've been trying to get my classes at Hillsborough Community College situated. I signed up for Sociology, Begining Algebra, Asian Humanities, and Freshmen English I for Tuesdays and Thursdays. I even sat through Cari's three-hour Sociology course and loved it. I wasn't even apart of the class and I almost started jotting down notes. On top of that, I will be taking Japanese certification classes Thursday nights. I'm excited, but at the same time i'm really scared. This is another reason I'm just not ready to date.

My friends. Oh god what can I say about them. I know I like to keep my close friends to a small number for some reason. I just feel more able to trust people when I get close. I have my two best friends Chase and Cari laying next to me asleep on a bed. They do so much for me and I love them to death. Chase is like the Brother I always wanted and Cari is the very pushy sister but keeps me in line. They've helped me alot and been there when I had to cry on someone's shoulder. Thanks guys for putting up with me. I smile when I say that you guys mean alot more to me than you may think.

All in all, i'm doing okay. I could be better, but then again I could be much worse. I'm trying to look for jobs so I don't get in debt borrowing money, I even owe Chase a pretty penny. College is scary but i'm ready for it. And I'm very happy with the friends I have. Thanks guys.

2007-06-11T01:14:00.000-04:00

When I think Of You

Steve, it's very wierd how things come to be.

I mean, I never imagined a day i'd think of you and flinch with pain. A day where i'd see your picture and cry, but not in joy or happiness. I always thought we'd be there for each other, and honestly, not much got in the way. Why did I do what I did. I know it's my fault for starting the pain almost a year ago. I ask you...

Can we please stop the pain? When I see you I want to hold you., I want to kiss you, I want to love you. I want to crawl into your bed with you and fall asleep on your chest like we did almost daily. I want you to light candles for us again, to make me feel beautiful, to feel loved. When I cry I want you to hug me and tell me it's all right, not push me away and tell me to leave you alone.

I still remember your smell, and I can't get it out of my head. Those days you would wear my shirts and then give them back to me and for weeks they'd smell like you. It's been a long time since that happened, and I no longer hold anything that smells like you do. I just have the smell of a wilted rose, dried up on my desk. I can't help but keep it untouched.

I never imagined you'd be with another boy, and it tears me apart. You will never belong to him steve, we both know that. I never thought i'd have to put a Single status on my myspace again, so I put Divorced instead. I never thought i'd try to date again. But whenever I tried, I realized I was just comparing them to you. You can't be replaced steve. I've lost so many friends lately, all because of stress around me. I just wish you could be there for me to say it's alright.

Now it's in the middle of 2007, and I feel just as lonely as before I met you. Do you remember those days? Those awful nights, I thought i'd never have to feel that way again, i'm so sorry I was wrong. I don't know what else to say to you.

I'm not here to hurt myself and others. I'm here to let you know how I feel. You brought alot of good into my life too, including many things only I could see in you. I want to say thanks.

I Love You Steve.

<3 Your Partner,
Kito

Enter Key

2007-06-05T02:50:00.000-04:00

I sit cross-leggeded in my chair and pause. I stare at the enter key on my keyboard as the florescent light from my moniter shines on it. How many times per day do I press that key and how important is it in the virtual world? Let's take a few minutes out of your day to think of the impotance of a single object connected to many other objects. On the standard English keyboard there are one-hundred and four keys. Most of us use all of them on a daily basis, whether it be studying, chatting with friends, or mayeb even writing ablog as I am doing.

Without the enter key, you cannot IM your friends efficiently in speed, you cannot select Yes or No on a command Prompt, you can not execute any pogram or confirm anything for that matter. And in all of your school projects and essays you would not be able to break to a new line. The "Enter" key connects all of the other one-hundred and three keys.

Now, let's think of this in respect to the real world, to normal things in your daily life. Your friends, family, even the people you despise the most are all connected for the most part. What would happen if you lost a single one? What if you could only remember who the person was, remember the times you were together, but forgot what happened during those times. How would this effect everyone linked to that person. In a way, this person is like the "Enter" key to your bond with people.

This can be seen everywhere. It's seen in Food Chains in ecosystems, if one organism dies, it will have a domino effect on the organisms in the rest of the ecosystem. Some organisms would die, which would cause more organisms to die. The same can be compared to relationships in humans. One friendship fails, which causes another friendship to fail, which in turn creates a domino effect.

Take the time to ask yourself. "Am I missing my Enter key?"

~Kito

It's Because of You

2007-06-03T03:24:00.000-04:00

It's Because of You

I feel a tear run down my cheak as I push the red off button my phone. I lie down on my bedspead and push the phone away, while at the same time, bringing my pillow closer to my chest. It's him. It's been a year now since our Partnership in life broke, yet it hurts like it was yesterday.

I remember him bringing me into his bedroom, somewhere that felt like home. He pushed me to sit down on the bed and gave me that soft smile. That smile he showed no one but me.

"This is for you Kito. I love you, I always will." he said as he placed something small and metallic in my hand. As I open my hand I see a beautiful ring with six colors engraved into it. It was the Rainbow. I looked up into his green eyes and reached out and kissed him. "I love you so much..." I whispered in his ear.

But it's been a year now, and the ring is no longer on my ring finger, it's just lost in time, never to be found. The bed I lay on is cold and stiff, it is not where I belong. As tears run down my face I just say your name softly. "-----... I will always love you. I will always love you. I still love you."

It's because of you I can't hold a relationship. It's because of you I cry alone at night. It's because of you I don't have my heart.

But at the same time. It's because of me you can't hold a relationship. It's because of me you cry alone at night. And it's because of me you no longer have your heart.

I guess in some ways, we share the relationship of not holding relationships, that we cry together at night, and we have each others hearts, even after a year of hurt.

Maybe one day you'll be here to cry with me. To tell me you love me.

You are my partner. You were not a simple boyfriend, you were not a crush, you were not a fling. You were and are my partner in life. The bond is broken, but at the same time it's not. Those two years forged something I can't let go of, something that's impossible to let go of.

That something is you.

~Kito

Lately...

2007-05-26T02:31:00.000-04:00

Alot of things have been going on in my life.

I graduated May 17th, 2007 from Bowers-Whitley Career Center and now i'm free! But now I don't know what to do! You can only chat online, myspace, and play games so long each day (Approximately 8 hours if you were wondering lol).

People tell me to work, and I am. They tell me to save up. But for what? I have a car, a scholarship, housing. I only really need $100 every two weeks to get by. (As many of you have noticed my surplus amount of items I have bought recently. I actually got bored of buying for the first time in my life last weekend.)

I'm bored with life. Simple as that.

I don't really want to date in this part of my life. I guess i'm happy being alone. (Although there may be one or two exceptions to that feeling.) I'm still hurt over steve from almost one year ago. Funny how things turn out. I'd say I hate him, but I don't really know him anymore, just as he no longer knows me.

I need some friends, that's all I need, that's all I want.

No one has to comment this blog, because there really isn't that much to say. heh. Not really any response that would make things better or worse. So i'm disabling the comments.

Goodnight Everyone.

~Kito

When and Where?

2007-05-17T01:35:00.000-04:00

Do you ever sit and think about the world around you? Stupid question I know, but simutaniously it's very intelligent.

Today is my Graduation day (Technically speaking since it is one in the morning).

But something still claws at me still when I think of the past, present, and future. Question only I can answer:

"Did I make a difference in the past? Do I currently enhance the present? Will I have plans for the future?"

Unfortunately, I am not fond of those answers myself and this troubles me greatly. What can I do? It's time to walk, and I still don't know what to do with my life! Sure, I have a scholarship, I will have my diploma today, i'm enrolled for HCC, but what will I do? Where will I work and what will I do? And the most important questions are:

When and where will I find him?
Will I find him?
Who is he?

It's all coming fast, And I don't know what to do...

~Kito

Secrets

2007-05-06T17:22:00.000-04:00

My Twin Kristen created a blog like this and it inspired me to make my own.

A few things you may not know about me:

~My real name is Michael but I despise it. I prefer being called Kito. I had a crush on a German boy named Kitoanosohma in Tampa Bay Youth Orchestra in 2004-2005. The last day I saw him I vowed never to forget him. I took his name, cut it up and made Kitosoma for myself. I havent seen him since. Thank you Kito.

~I'm Gay. I always have been. I believe there is no choice in sexuality. I wish I was straight alot, it would make my life much easier. When I came out at Gaither Period 3, September 10th, 2004, I told the boy I liked that I liked him. He didn't talk to me for three days. My mother found out a week later through a students parent. All my leather accesorries where taken from me at the time. because it might give off a gay vibe. I didnt talk to my family much for two months, and they didnt want to talk to me. My house was Vandelized seven times by homophobs, scaring my family and I. I left Gaither out of fear and went to Bowers-Whitley Career Center in 2006. I am graduating May 17th as a student who just turned 17 in March.

~I have been in love once. The man's name is Stephen Frayer. I will always love him. We were together two years (2004-2006). I hurt him, and he hurt me. We still talk, but it always hurts.

~I'm Vegan. It's inspired me to want to make my life worth living again and makes me happy. I won't eat or wear any animal products. That includes Meat, Dairy, Eggs, Butter, Silk, Leather, and Wool.

~I want to Major in Enviormental Studies or a Biology. I love animals and nature. If only the world could see what I see.

~I love anime. Bleach is my favorite series. I love Kisuke Urahara. I will be cosplaying as him in the fall, look for pictures. I will be working at Metrocon 2007.

~I abstain from Drugs, Alchohol, and Smoking. I have other people to kill me, why kill myself. Please dont invite me to drinking parties, it's somewhat offensive.

~I'm a Gamer. I play at least two hours of games a day. I love Final Fantasy XI online. So worth the money. If you want a hookup message me.

Want to ask me a question, feel free to message me.

~Kito

Playing in the Wrong Key

2007-02-15T01:49:00.000-05:00

It was 7:00 AM as the alarm in the dorm went off. I slowly pulled myself up onto the poorly made bunk bed and groaned. It was way too early for this. I looked down on the floor where I saw my viola case pushed halfway under the bed accross from me. Next to it laid in a line was two violins and a cello.

It was the summer of 2004. The last week of June, and the first week of July.

I was spending two weeks on the beautiful Florida State University Campus in their southern dorms while I played for the FSU youth orchestras. People had gathered from all sort of states and countries, just to play in these orchestras (Spain, Russia, Poland, China). I was happy I had this chance in a lifetime.

The celloist in my room of four people, Ian, peeked over the top bunk of our bed in his crimson "Duck Tape" shirt, "Hey, we have to get going or these stupid counselours will get on our case!" he said. "Okay okay! Let me at least get dressed..." I replied sighing. I stood up in my navy blue boxers, making sure the buttons on it were closed and put on a grey shirt with tribal symbols on. we all picked up our corresponding instuments and made our way out of the dorm. I could tell it was going to be a long day.

In our first session of the day I overheard Katie "...yeah, my best friend is gay and he just got such a sexy boyfriend. Damnit, why are all the cute boys gay!". As she said this the blonde haired girl she was talking to started laughing softly with Katie. Hearing the words "Gay" immediatley sparked my interest. I yearned to know more... "Hey Katie, what's it like to have a gay best friend?" I asked her as she brushed her dyed red hair. She stopped brushing for a moment and looked into my eyes. "Why? Are you interested!?" she whispered loudly so the girl she was previously talking to could hear. They both started giggling and smiling at each other. "No! I'm not some faggot!" I yelled at Katie, her mouth open wide at the sudden backlash.

The conductor waved her wand, "Quiet please! Violas, look at measure forty-six of Deja Vu. It sounds as if you're playing two different songs from the violins." she laughed softly.

I'm the one playing two different songs... I thought about denying the interest in the subject of homosexuality. It felt like my life was playing the right song, but in the wrong key.

That night at 7:00 PM, we all walked back to teh dorms for dinner. I always sat with Ian, Michelle, and Truex (pronounced True).We laughed at news and gossip as we ate our food, then talking about how boring Music Theory can be. Every once in a while i'd look up and watch Ian, with his dark brown-black hair and his hazel eyes. He had a five-o-clock shadow every day, but I liked it.

At 9:00 PM we went back to the second floor where our room was (It also happened to be a guys only floor) and walked inside our corner-room. We decided to play poker with the cards Ian had brought. After a while, the discussion of sex was brought up. I started sweating more, the cards sliding off my hands, not being able to look at Ian at all. He started taking his shirt off and my body slowly went numb.

I'm gay. I knew this because I had a crush on Ian.

"Hey you guys?" I asked. "What's up? You don't look good at all." replied Ian as he dropped the playing cards onto the floor. I quickly lied, "yeah, it must have been something I ate, I feel horrible. Mind if I step out of the game and lay down?" They noded as an okay and I sat on the bottom bunk.

Why now? Why was I having these thoughts?

I grabbed an MP3 player with the music that we would be playing stored in it. As I pushed play, I stared at Ian concentrating on the poker game. I closed my eyes slowly while listening to the music. Although all I could thing about was Ian, I soon, fell asleep.

After the two weeks, no one from the dorm ever talked to each other again. Half a year later I had come out and I was with Steve. He told me orchestras sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Since then, i've had no desire to play the Viola again.

~Kito

"Here...It was his..."

2007-02-11T16:31:00.000-05:00

I was looking through my room today and I found two shirts that belong to Steve. I saw them on the clothes rack and I just stared at them like foreign objects. I can't believe I never saw them before. Anyways... As much as I would like something from my love, it was not mine to keep. I printed out my letter to him that I had wrote monday and stuffed it inside one of the shirts I folded. I don't know if he'd read it, but I wanted to feel that I tried to give him the letter. I signed my name at the bottom and folded it.

I pushed the shirts into my bookbag along with some paperwork I needed to get signed at work for my school. I told my mom I was leaving (by the way, when I got home she said she had'nt heard me.), stepped into my green isuzu rodeo and turned the key to start the car. I started driving to Steve's which is close to my work, but the whole time I could feel my heart aching and it beating faster and faster. I didn't realize how fast I had driven there (At the speed limit I will say. lol) until I was parked in front of his house.

I sat there for a second and then slowly pulled the clothes out of my bookbag. I turned the car off and stepped onto the pavement in front of his house. I looked up at the giant tree in the middle of his yard we used to sit in for hours at a time just talking. But that's over. I looked at their driveway and saw Steve's car, his dad's car, and his sister's car.

He was home.

My heart started beating faster and faster as I walked to the front door with his clothing in my left hand. I stood there a little dazed before I gained enough strength to push the button for his doorbell.

About thirty seconds later, a medium sized man, very muscular appeared at the door and gave me the "Get off my property" look. I looked down and raised my left hand with the clothes. It was his father.

"Here... It was his..."

He grabbed the clothes and shut the door in my face. But I understood. I turned around and walked to my car, a little upset that I could'nt see his face. But maybe that would cause more bad than good, who knows.

I drove to my work to pick up my schedule with that in my mind.

Bad or Good?

~Kito

Showroom Happy

2007-02-08T21:04:00.000-05:00

Today, Katie grabbed me and told me to put on the Chuck E Suit (I love that filthy costume ^_^) and that i'd be doing four birthday parties. I was a little worried because that is alot of people and if I messed up it would be quite embaressing.

So I suit up and come out of "Chucky's Room" aka a janitorial closet with the suit rack, and within thirty seconds i'm surrounded by about two dozen children. Absolutely terriying when you can barely see. They started shoving their faces into places that little children should not belong. Apparently they don't realize chucky is biologically correct. Anyways, it was very violating and traumatizing.

Finally a co-worker rescues me by moving the children and takes me to the showroom. Then the music starts. I reheared a little before the performance. (It is so hard to move in that thing). I ended up doing really good for my first time, but little kids kept hugging my legs while I was trying to dance and I'm not allowed to tell them to get off me. AFterwards I was in a ton of pictures. Then I went into the kitchen and sat in the freezer but was still hot, so I went into chucky's room and took off the suit.

Overall today was a lot of fun at work. And one step closer to permanent showroom!

~Kito

The Begining of the End

2007-02-05T23:50:00.000-05:00

Many things are important in a person's life. That's exactly why I'm writing this. I want to end some things. The only way to get over a problem is to admit it.

So this is where I admit my problems. This is to you everyone. My letters to you.

Steve, I want to tell you this so bad, but I know I might never be able to do it again.

I love you.

I always will.

You made me smile. You made me the happiest boy alive. I still cry about you, but it won't solve anything. I should know this. But you know what steve? It's okay to cry. Please cry. Do it for me as I am doing for you. This is the last time i'll cry for you. We started out from what seemed like a dream. You, the lonely boy playing hacky sack in school. I was a Freshman, you were a Junior in January 2005 at Gaither High School. I remember hearing everyone say how much of a loner you were. But I didn't care Steve, I didnt care what they thougt. Because I saw something in you. It was sunny out and I approached you. I remember it like it was yesterday. Your beautiful long strawberry blonde hair flowing in the light breeze. You caught the hacky sack on your head and looked at me. I blushed. I asked if you could show me how to play. I knew you would say yes because your smile told me. I can't say it was love at first sight, but it was close to it. The next week, we played hacky sack again, but it started raining. But you didn't move. You just kept playing. I turned to flee from the rain but you just smiled at me, so I stayed. We became drenched in the rain. You flipped your hair and kept playing with me. You smiled so much back then, I really miss your smile. As we continued, I fell onto my back and you laughed at me as I lay down in the puddle of murky water around me. You reached down and picked me up out of that puddle. Thank You steve for picking me up. There were so many things I did not tell you while we were together that I still regret. You see, every night before I met you I held a knife in my hands wondering how I should kill myself. I was so scared. My parents were'nt talking to me much, and my mom kept crying. Even my own gay father cried. My siblings shunned me once they realized what I was and I had only a few friends. I felt like I had done something wrong by being me. All I remember was being in the dark, and you were the light.

I never want to feel that way again. I won't let it.

After the bell had rung, we started walking inside still drenched in water. I was on the Left, you were on Right and you looked up at me and gave me that beautiful smile. You asked for my number and I gave it to you. You came over that weekend and played Hacky Sack with me with a marble hack sack and we kicked it on the golf course. On Monday I went to your house across the street from the school. I was telling you about how big my house was, and as we reached the road in front of your neighborhood, you grabbed my hand. You said "So I have a rich boyfriend?" as we crossed the meadian of the street. I was shocked but I tried not to show it by laughing it off.

We hit it off very fast. We started watching Terminator 2 and you started kissing me and I kissed you back. Gradually it moved into your room and you made me feel great. We didn't do anything too much though, it was way too soon. You took me home and kissed me goodbye with I smile. How much I miss those smiles.

That day... was January 20th, 2005.

It's been almost been a year now. You say god hates you amd break up with me over a dozen times, but I don't stop loving you. The smiles begin to occur less, and problems arrise. I don't know why I did it, I really don't. I didn't even mean to do it to you, but now that I think of it I know what I did.

I used you.

You got a job at Circle K as a sales clerk so we could have more fun together with spare money. But Steve, we didn't get spare money did we? That's because I used every cent of it. I never meant to, I would never do that to you on purpose. You gave and I took, even when I had nothing to return to you. I spent over $1,000 of your money in two months. And the sad part is, it was all spent on useless items. In the end you dumped me and I was completely oblivious to what was going on. Now I know why. I deserved it. But we still loved each other. Two weeks later we got back together.

You taught me Equivalent Exchange in a relationship. Thank You.

The Smiles began to fade more...

"I'm so sorry Steve, I know what I did wrong!"

But I had lied. Only now do I realize what happened in the past. Christmas 2005, you bought me the seventy-five gallon fish tank I still treasure today. I keep my Koi we raised in it. Thank You for supporting my interest in Marine Life.

Summer 2006

You told me you hated yourself. That god hated you. I knew you were wrong. You told me you just wanted to die sometimes, that I was the only thing keeping you alive. I knew you were'nt lying. You never lied much. I wanted to break up with you, but I was afraid you would attempt suicide. So I cheated on you.

I Regret.

You found out.

You cried alot and you started cutting yourself. First on your arms and then moving down to your legs. You would sneak inside my house through the window and cry holding me. I'm so sorry. I never meant to cause us so much pain. Please cry steve, let it go. They say crying is healthy. I really hope they are right. You later got a tatoo without my permission. It has my nickname in it. "Kito" in a heart with a blue rose going through it.

"Do you know why the rose is blue Kito?" you told me.
"No. Why?"
"Because it matches the color of your eyes."

Winter 2006

I no longer saw the smiles that made me melt. I just saw pain. I wanted to be with you. but it hurt, You picked me up from school one day with blood soacking through your sleeves and pants. I cried. Every cut you made into your body, cut a piece of me too Steve. I wish you knew how much it hurt. I yelled at you in the car.

"You wonder why no one is close to you but me!? Your not close to keain anymore because you ran away. It's because you do stuff like..."

I felt your fist slam into the left part of my jaw, fealing flesh tear inside my mouth and tasted blood. I had gone way too far. Keain was your first love when you lived in Ohio. We stopped talking for a long time. The pain quickly rised. I still have scarring in my mouth from that punch and I will always remember it.

"This is our last chance... if it dosen't work this time it's over for good." I said to you.

We decided one last time. I had just become Vegan, and it was hard on us as a couple. You could no longer make my favorite foods or even treat me to a simple candy bar without my approval. This was too much. You started getting worried and wanted me to call you more and more. I went to a friend's house one day. When I called you, you yelled at me. I then yelled at you saying I could be with friends if I wanted to. FInally it cracked and we broke up. The final time.

Steve. I love you. I love you so much, even after all this time. But you are not the same man I once knew. You are different. As much as I want the old Steve back, I must realize he no longer exists and it's my fault. So maybe in some mental way, you did commit suicide. I'm sorry I could'nt save you. I would have given my life to save you. But Steve is dead. Maybe not Physically, but he is dead. Consider this my late proper funeral of the Steve I fell in love with.

Thank You. Thank You so much. You changed my life for the better. I learned so much from you. I'm going to miss you Old Steve. I will love you until the day I die. I will still talk to the New Steve if he allows me. But it will never be the same. I'm Sorry and Thank You Steve.

This is the Begining of the End.

~Kito

Before It Hits That One

2007-02-02T19:22:00.000-05:00

You give me your name, and I give you mine.
I talk about me, You talk about you.
We connect in some way or form.
We share each others emotions and feeling.
We kiss.
We touch.
We breathe as one.
We hold each other close.
The glass shatters.
We see our reflection in the shards.
All holding dear gone as it hits the cold floor.
You give me your name, and I give you mine.

Molestation to Chuck E.

2007-01-31T01:03:00.000-05:00

Yes, I was molested at work today by a five year old. It was very disturbing. So I was in the Chuck E. Suit and I was walking out to make the kids get excited and stuff. The closest kid, who by the way stole my stamper earlier that day runs up to me and shoves his face in my crotch. It was one of the most violating things that has ever happened to me, lol. After being hugged by about a dozen kids I go back and take the costume off and work at Kid Check. An hour later I have to put the costume back on to do something called ticket splash. The person in the cuit and two showroom employees have to dance to the hokey pokey and throw tickets in the air when its done. Unfortunately, I do not know how to do the hokey pokey... So naturally I made a fool out of myself. Later that night a man stole this guy's Razor phone and the police got involved in the restraunt. Fun.

I closed tonight and got home around 11:20 PM. I got eight and a half hours of pay today. I'm tired so i'm going to bed. Cya.

Detnawnu

2007-01-26T18:22:00.000-05:00

There are so many things I don't understand in this world. For example: Why do people eat meat, smoke cigarettes, and get drunk when they know it's bad for them? Why do we re-elect a president who did horrible his first run? Why don't gays and transgendered people have the same rights as heterosexual people? Why do you avoid the people who are closest to you? How can you be in love with someone who abused you?

All of these things just don't make sense to me and maybe even you.
These are't questions. These are statements. And i'm not talking about you, i'm talking about me. Most of you will probably be confused by this blog, but that's okay, i'm not posting it for you, i'm posting it for me. Goodnight everyone.

Stop Asking Please

2007-01-24T23:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, I didn't want to post this as a blog, but i'm sick of people asking me in messages. Yes, Noah and I broke up and yes we are stiill friends. So please leave me alone about it. Thanks.

You Feel Bad When...

2007-01-24T14:34:00.000-05:00

You almost clothesline a little girl at work.

So last night was my first real day working at CEC. I had so much fun while working though. This job's a keeper. Anyways, I was standing at Kid Check, all of a sudden this little girl trys to run out of CEC and I say "Hold on!" and reach out to her and hit her in the face. I felt so dumb. Her mom said she was sorry and pulled the girl back into the restraunt. Other than that everything went well. Worked with Meagan, Allison, and Will there, as well as meeting Nick, Trey, and Mallory. I think I start working more directly in the kitchen today. I can't wait to work at six tonight, and that's a first.

Noah and I have been busy lately since we both work. Hopefully we can hang out alot more when I get my car in two weeks. I miss him alot. Anyways, Peace.

~Kito

Today Is Training

2007-01-23T13:42:00.000-05:00

So today at 4:00 I go to work and I get home at 8:00 at Chuck E. Cheeses. I really hope this works out for me. I need money for food and my car. Tyer and Noah are coming to pick me up soon.

Today at the University Area Transit Center for the buses, some guy was screaming and shouting awful things to what looked like his wife, it was really scary. Then when I got on my bus (HART 33), I was the only white person on it and everyone else was ghetto. They kept asking me for money and it freaked me out.

I'm taking care of Noah's dog Anjelle right now. She's a trouble maker, lol. I came home to find pads (the feminine kind) ripped up all over the floors. I don't know whether Anjelle or Sammy (my dog) did it.

Noah and I are doing fine. I think we're both stressed because of his ex Randy and some messages i've been getting, but whatever. I'm going to go make some food, i'll post how my training went tonight.

Bubbles

2007-01-10T18:51:00.000-05:00

I decided to give this blog the titles "Bubbles" after looking at my fish tank, and yes noah, I do need to clean it. lol

So today I logged on to PeTA2 and found out they had accepted like five activist things i've done.Yesterday I had around 11,000 points, now it reads:

Account balance: 14,350 points

All I can say is wow. By the way if your wondering why i'm so interested in PeTA2 points, it's because once I reach 24,000 points I can order a "VEGAN" Navy blue hoody for free.

Well I'm done writing for now. I'll write more later tonight!

Deals a Deal

2007-01-07T22:04:00.000-05:00

Steve and I made a deal when we got back together:

If we broke up this time it would be over for good. And the two year story together would write it's end. And it did.

Steve went to the mall with his family today. When he got home I called him. He was stressed and told me how deppressing it ws when we talked and he didn't know why. He said we never see each other anymore, but that's bcause he's banned from my house for slitting his arms and wrists. So we never get to see each other. I told him how I felt, that our relationship was'nt healthy aymore. And if you know me you know what I feel about health. He got upset because I told him he was emotionally unstable. That he needed professional help with it so he can feel better. But he can't afford it. He still has to pay off the $400 medical bill from when I called the police on him to take him to the hospital. I'm not the most happy person around right now. I love that man, but there's nothing I can do about it.

People change over time. I met him when I was 14 years old. Now i'm about to turn 17. He's not the same anymore. He's nothing like the man I fell in love with. But knowing that the same man I fell in love with is still there hurts me even more. He knows everything about me, but he says he dose'nt know me anymore, that he dose'nt know what i'm thinking. And I can't tell what he's thinking anymore. We just can't read each other like we used to. Maybe this is a mistake, but maybe it's not. Who knows.

I have an interview tommorow at Chuck E Cheeses at 3 PM. I hope I get the job. I have to ride the city busses until I get $200, then I can drive my car. So i'm starting to ride the city busses tommorow. I'll post how that goes. I could really use some care from my friends right now, just keep that in mind.

~Kito

Chuck E Cheese

2007-01-06T11:56:00.000-05:00

Well today was different. I woke up at like 2 PM and called Tyler, because Valerie, Tyler and I were supposed to hang out. He came over around at 4. I got a call from Chuck E Cheeses today. I went with Meagan and Tyler there on Tuesday to apply so now I have an interview on Monday. At like 4:15 we took my sister to the mall with us while we waited for Val to get home from the nutrition store. She got there around 6. We walked around and went shopping, but then Tyler had to go to his friends house so he left us. My dad was supposed to pick us up around 6 - 6:30 but didn't show up until 8:30.Then we decided to go to Chuck E Cheeses for dinner. We ended up crawling through those tunnels on the ceiling for an hour taking pictures, lol. When we crawled out some guy there suggested we were doing "Stuff" in the tunnels and we both just started laughing and she told him I was gay. He looked a little dumb then.We talked to the employees and they said I was basically hired if I got an interview which is cool. Then Val applied as a Gameroom person because they need some of those. Well anyways, I had a blast with Val and we're uploading photos tommorow. Peace.

Hard Day?

2007-01-03T21:30:00.000-05:00

Blog Time! Ugh, I missed writing in my blog this week, but you know what, i'm a procrastinator, lol. I kept saying i'll write in it tonight, and then I end up crashing for the night. So anyways, my New Year's was lonely kinda. I talked to steve on the phone during the ball drop but it still wasn't the same. Oh well.

Today was teh first day of the new semester for Bowers-Whitley Career Center. My last semester of high school, thank god! Alot of old faces got and were replaced with new ones. You get to know someone, and then the next thing you know they're gone. I feel like a loser listening to Panic! At The Disco right now, but i'm not in the mood to care. lol.

In Animal Rights news for me, I called POM juice company today to talk to them about their funding for Animal Testing. Apparently they have a routine for this and send you to customer serveice that is always "Off Duty for the moment". I got their message machine and left them a lovely message on what the are supporting along with my name and phone number to call me back. I really doubt they'll call back though. That's too bad, i'd really want to hear their explanation for it, but I guess you don't need an excuse to kill animals for "Science". I'm sorry, but it's obvious when you induce heart disease on the animals that they are going to die. That's just wrong. I'm trying my hardest to make a difference.

I bought Veggie Corndogs today from Nutrition S'Mart and then my step-dad picked me up a quart of Vanilla soymilk on his way home, so at least I have my protein for the day. yay. Well, I'm going to go play Final Fantasy XI Online now. I leveled to a 73 Black Mage last night. So that's cool. Peace.

Wow...

2006-12-30T05:00:00.000-05:00

So it's 5 AM in the morning and I decided to cook a Pizza (Vegetarian) and post my daily blog now. For those of you who didn't notice, I write about the day before of what the posted date was ebcause I stay up so late. X.x So this is actually a post for December 29, etc, you get the point.

Today I went to the mall with TyTy (Tyler) and Jessie (Girl Jessie). It sucked until Jessie arrived. We were going to see Black Christmas, but they wouldn't give us tickets, so we got tickets for Happy Feet. After five steps into the movie theatre, Tyler decides to get a refund because he dosen't want to see the movie, silly tyty. We start walking around the mall and bump into Austin! I miss him so much, he's been overseas in the Navy or something. Then we got dinner, which I ate some Japanese lo mein noodles, yum. We saw this awesome scene kid, we thought he was so adorable and decided to take his pic. He gladly posed with his friends and then I gave him a pigy back ride to our table. lol. And yes, I had just met him. If you read this scene kid, you rock! I'll upload his pose pic when Jessie's sis can send me it in an e-mail.

I started talking to Steve again today. We layed down some ground rules and such, hopefully everything will go smooth. I love him. Anyways, I have to get up in 4 hours to go with Tyler to the Nutrition S'Mart about my application. Night everyone!

Nothing Done Really

2006-12-29T03:40:00.000-05:00

Well, now i'm mad. I just wrote an entire blog entry and I accidently closed the window. I might as well slam my head on the keyboard! Anyways, I still haven't heard from Peta2 about the supplies yet. I sent them an e-mail about it yesterday. I didn't really get much done today. I woke up at 6:30 PM and it was already dark out. I didn't even get to see the sun or most of my family! As you can tell my Sleeping schedule is really messed up. I'm supposed to go out with a friend tommorow and hang out for a while, but it's going to have to be in the afternoon or at night. lol, there is no way you can make me get up early when it's already 3:40 AM. And my house gets locked down every night at 9 PM so I can't do my freaking laundry! Running out of clothes to wear. lol, I'm thinking about washing them in the bathtub and airdrying them, haha, I'll tell you if I do. I keep procrastinating to fill out applications for a job. I guess i'm just a little bit worried about working again. My last jobs were'nt exactly a great experience.

On Final Fantasy XI today, I finished Windurst mission 6-2 and mission 7-1. After that, I just logged onto myspace for the rest of the day, but i'm probably gonna play a little before I go to bed. I'm making myself go to sleep at 6 AM, so I have about two hours left. Well i'm going to go read or play my game. Cya!

First Post for a New Blog

2006-12-28T02:14:00.000-05:00

I was looking online today and I found my Xanga. It really shocked me how real my journal entries were. it brought back alot of memories. While talking to a friend I realized that it might be a good idea to start writing in my blog. Maybe it even might help me emotionally, god knows we all need it. I remember when Xanga made me feel so good about myself, it let's you say what you want to say, and then you can go back and read it, maybe understanding yourself a little more. I've decided i'm going to save it to my flash drive too. Sounds like a good plan to me. Maybe I can print it and keep it to myself or something in a notebook. If your reading this I apologize for any ranting, but this is how I feel.

Anyways, i've been Vegetarian for one months now, and Vegan for one month. If you don't know what those are, you can look them up on Wikipedia. I decided today while talking to my cousin that I want to make a difference, that I want to show other people the sucess i've had being Vegan. It really is the best thing that's happened to me in my life. Two months ago, I weighed 205 pounds at 6'00". After two months I now weigh 180 pounds, which is a 25 pound loss. I am happy to say I am no longer overweight, And I can fit into my old clothes again. Everything feels so baggy on me now! For Christmas I recieved a very nice pair of Nike running shoes, running shorts, and other running supplies. Lately, i've been running two miles every other day in Converse! Ouch! So that's a big relief. I ran the other night and at the end of the run my knees didnt feel like they were going to snap in half. ^_^; So, as I was saying, my cousin Brandi and I are planning to get PeTA stickers that say:

WARNING!
This package
contains the
decomposing
corpse of
a small
tortured bird.

And we plan to stick those on chicken packages at the grocery store. We need to be careful, or we could get in big trouble if we get caught. >.< I was also thinking about calling Jimmie Keel Library and Citrus Park Mall to ask if I can setup a display from PeTA to advocate Vegetarianism and Veganism. I'm worried because i'm going to need some help.

In my social life, Steve and I still aren't talking since our breakup last week. I didn't see it coming, I failed to see the signs he gave me, and because of it, I think our two year relationship is permanently over. I miss him and love him, but there's nothing I can do. I just need alot of support from my friends. I talked to a few people today that I have'nt talked to in a while. I talked to Kibble (Jonathan), he's still very close to me even if we don't talk much. I also talked to Krista, which I miss her from school. I didn't go on Final Fantasy XI today. I didn't find a reason since Heartfang (Brett) was on AIM. Made me happier.

Anyways, i'm tired, so i'm going to sleep now. Night!

~Kito

People's Plans

2005-09-10T15:06:00.000-04:00

Extracted from Xanga.com/Kitosoma

I just got off the phone with Kibble (Jonathan), we're probably going to see The Exorcism of Emily Rose tommorow. I can't wait. I have to go to work in an hour and i'm not looking forward to it at all. PJ and I talked this weekend and we're friends again, there was no point in us hating each other. I'm bored, listening to MCR and something else... I suck at remembering band names and songs. People must think i'm stupid when I can't remember my favorite bands name. -.-; I talked to Kenny for the first time in half a year, he's from Texas, awesome. I want to go to bed. T_T!!! It's 3:05 and i'm still in my night clothes... oh well. I am slowly trying to foget about Mike, it's hard when you were emotionally abused so much, it was just really hard for me to let go, I thought things would get better and we could be friends, I was wrong. Picture day was yesterday, I thought the guy was trying to break my neck when he kept telling me to tilt my head... X_x I'm scarred for life!!! lol. Well, I'm going to go take a nap and get ready for a long day of work. Cya!

Jonathan's Imagination

2005-08-18T22:29:00.001-04:00

Extracted from Xanga.com/Kitosoma

An Interesting Chat with Kibble. . . (Jonathan Perry)

Sirkibble007: druggies and drunks are the most unfun ppl at parties
Sirkibble007: sure they have no sense of what they're doing
Sirkibble007: but its all fun and games till nobodies danceing
Sirkibble007: yep...
Sirkibble007: nobody.....
Kitosoma: >.>; wtf
Sirkibble007: EXACTLY!!!
Sirkibble007: THE BEAT STOPS!!!
Sirkibble007: THE COPS COME!!!
Sirkibble007: SOME GUYS SINGING ROW ROW ROW THE BOAT IN HIS BOXERS WITH A LAMPSHADE OVER HIS HEAD DRUNK AS A IRISH PRIEST!!!!
Sirkibble007: thats why booze and drugs are bad
Sirkibble007: the guys fat too
Sirkibble007: really fat.....
Sirkibble007: I should be a mendez teacher ^-^
Kitosoma: wtf are you talking about!?! o_O
Sirkibble007: ....
Sirkibble007: I forgot about half way through

He's so stupid sometimes, it's cute. <3

Carlos Requested Update

2005-08-11T19:30:00.000-04:00

Extracted from Xanga.com/Kitosoma

Carlos said to update, so I just did... =P

Sixteen Hour Maintenance

2005-07-19T13:56:00.001-04:00

Extracted from Xanga.com/Kitosoma

GAH!!! The 16-hour maintanance for FFXI ended... and you have to update to get into the virtual world, but this is the message it is giving everyone:

"Currently the Update Servers are congested, if update fails, please try again later"

The update is failing for alot of people... so we have to wait even more time... I've gone 29 hours without FFXI and i'm going insane!!! AHHHHH! I now hate Square Enix. -.-;

Reading and Missing

2005-07-18T14:55:00.000-04:00

Extracted from Xanga.com/Kitosoma

Hey evryone, i'm sitting in my chair Reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Awesome stuff ! ^.^ Everyone's evil in this one. o.o Listening to some techno and rock, waiting for Kiyosho to get home from Arizona... he hates it there. I miss him so much.... T_T I have no cuddle buddy now... It sux. Oh well, i'll get over it. I LOVE KIYOSHO!!! <3>

Blockbuster - Devil May Cry 3

2005-06-28T22:15:00.001-04:00

Extracted from Xanga.com/Kitosoma

X.x ????it! I've played this ????ing game for 812 HOURS and i'm still no where near finishing it. In fact, no one's ever beaten Final Fantasy XI.

NO ONE! THAT IS SO F'ED UP!

Anyways, Kiyosho and I went to 2 Blockbusters for Devil May Cry 3, but they were all sold out. How deppressing. I think TUMS taste good, which will really be a plus when I have heartburn... >.> um....... I need some caffine before I keel over and die. Like my music? ^.^;

School Rumors

2005-06-27T00:03:00.000-04:00

Extracted from Xanga.com/Kitosoma

Well, i'm sitting here munching on a Gronola Bar. It tastes really good... ^.^. Apparently i'm involved in the whole "We think Kyle is gay" rumor and I don't even know how. lol. People are so stupid. *sigh* Michelle, Elizabeth, I love you guys to death, but please don't try to keep rumors going, especially if it includes me. Remember everyone! I AM NEUTRAL on the rumor, I am not and will not take sides. I'm being pulled in between Drake, Tyler, Kyle, Catrina, and mallory on one side. And then Michelle, Elizabeth, Ricky, and Carlos on the other. I don't want that! T_T I like all of you guys. Anyways... that kinda shocked me. lol. I need to go to my mom's work tommorow because I owe her $40 for buying the Final Fantasy Expansion: Chains of Promethia last week for Mike and I. T_T She's going to make me do hard labor with the custodians. Not fun. Btw, the new song that I have on my Xanga is called Otherworld from the album Black Mages. Hope ya like! ^_^ Cya!

Servers Down

2005-06-15T15:59:00.000-04:00

Extracted from Xanga.com/Kitosoma

Well... Today i'm bored out of my mind. All servers for Final Fantasy XI are down for 3 hours! -_- Yay. I'm waiting for Kiyosho to get home from work. I love him so much. I'm in Lakeland and I really miss him alot. ^.^ I missed other people too lately, they know who they are. I'm now a Level 25 Black Mage on FFXI, got my ballista liscense, which means I get to beat the crap out of other players in Ballista. I want to get a job so bad, I really need the money. T_T YAY! The servers are back on in 1 minute! Cya!

First Entry

2005-06-07T21:47:00.000-04:00

Extracted from Xanga.com/Kitosoma

Well... This is my first entry! Yay! ^.^ I guess i'll write in it at least every other day... watch it become a gossip forum like my last Xanga... -_- Oh well, that's over with. Ouch... one of my surround sound speakers just fell on me! T-T Anyways, Kibble is in Italy, Kiyosho (Mike) is working all day every weekday, and i've been trapped playing Final Fantasy XI all the time. But heh, it's a fun game. I'm a tarutaru Black Mage! :P Drake plays on FFXI with me alot, he was being an idiot today though. -_- I also talked to Richard Tippen today, It's been seven years since teh last time i've heard from him. His mom was my 4th grade teacher. ^.^ Anyways, i'm out for now, going to finish WIndurst Mission 3/3 on FFXI!

Kito Soma

Growing Up

Braving the Past

Legal & Legal

Slowing Down

Subjective Success

Alej?

Lost for Words

Living With Rx's and Ex's

Life Value Clarification

Unfortunate Relapse

I'm Alive (I Promise)

Letter to the Original Kito

Pardon

Thank You

Shrouded Haze

Spring Break

IT Technician

Recovery

Furry Fandom

Orientation Failure

Passing

Tribute to Cari & Donna

Exams & Anxiety

Sickness

Virtual Life Transferred

Virtual Life Restored

Clarifying Blog Policies

Goodbye Tyler & Brett

Jonathan's Imagination (#2)

Summer of Change

I'm Moving

In August or September, I will be moving to his city of Columbus, Ohio

Doors of Destiny - Dedicated to Brett

Goodbye Sammy

Cruelty Is life

Overlooking Promise

Underlying Emotion

Impact Is Possible

Arms Were Always Closed

Back In Arms

Times Are Rough

Coffeehouse

Thunderstorm

Mall Stumble

Last Ingredient Missing in my Vegan Walk

Friends

Enter Key

It's Because of You

Lately...

When and Where?

Secrets

Playing in the Wrong Key

"Here...It was his..."

Showroom Happy

The Begining of the End

Before It Hits That One

Molestation to Chuck E.

Detnawnu

Stop Asking Please

You Feel Bad When...

Today Is Training

Bubbles

Deals a Deal

Chuck E Cheese

Hard Day?

Wow...

Nothing Done Really

First Post for a New Blog

People's Plans

Jonathan's Imagination

Carlos Requested Update

Sixteen Hour Maintenance

Reading and Missing

Blockbuster - Devil May Cry 3

School Rumors

Servers Down

First Entry

In August or September, I will be moving to his city of
Columbus, Ohio