Subjective Success

It seems a few more months have gone by, which means it's probably time to write a new blog entry for all my lurkers out there. Amazingly, or maybe not, many things have happened since my last entry. Do you ever read back on things you write and just think to yourself, how did everything get to where I'm at now? Three months ago I was at Disney with little to no direction in my life, in the hospital just waiting to hear a possible death sentence from a doctor. Yet since that time, I've acquired two jobs and blown through several relationships or relationship possibilities. Odd how life and karma seem to function.

If you look at my last post, I was head-over-heels for Alejandro, yet now it seems we don't even talk anymore. I had just started working at Crispers, yet it was just today that I called in and said I don't want to work for their company anymore. A month ago, I was offered a job at [Insert Major Corporation Here], and now make more money than what I know what to do with working all week long in my lonely little cubicle, supporting business users with their computers. If you had told me a few months ago everything I've written in this paragraph, I would have laughed for hours and thrown in a Miss Cleo joke for good measure.

But despite being labeled 'successful' by many people around me, I feel horrible. I feel lost at work, everyone around me ranging in such drastic levels of experience. The guy across from me quit the first day after training because he didn't realize how difficult it would be, yet the guy a few seats down could tell you down to registry key on why your computer doesn't work. I'm at work for nine hours daily, excluding the hour long round drive, with one hour of lunch thrown somewhere in that mess. I believe that 'success' is such a subjective word, as I don't feel the same at all.

Despite everything going so right, things pertaining to other areas of my life seem to be going so wrong. Last month I broke down three times about Steve, a relationship that closed it's chapter over three years ago. I feel gradually isolated from my friends and peers, and I'm so used to being taking advantage of when dating that I'm skiddish to become closer to anyone by turning down dates and even the opportunity to be a boyfriend.

The idea that you never realize what you love until it's gone is applying more than ever in my life. I miss the people I spent my world's yesterday with more than ever. I miss talking to those select few that know every waking detail about me as a person. I just want to grip their hand and feel warm again, but sadly a winter is coming in more ways than one.

Every day I drive to work for that hour long routine, and there's always one emotion on my mind: Regret.