Alej?

As more months go by, the time seems right for, you guessed it, another blog post! One of these days I am positive I will be able to sit down and write something that doesn't make you want to jump off a bridge, but unfortunately today, like almost all the other posts in this ridiculous recollection, is not very positive.

May 19th was the day were I was promised my life would change for the better, and as far as I could tell they were right! I had been accepted into the Walt Disney World College Program for the Fall Advantage session which runs from May 2010 to January 2011. I had been assigned the role of transportation, which I later found out was Monorail Operations. To me, this sounded like a dream job where I could utilize the monorail computers and maybe find a way to the professional internship program for Information Technology. I gladly accepted this position while I was dating Andrew in February.

Around the time I was leaving to go to Disney, I had been apart from Andrew for almost two months, and during that time I had become close with my friend I noted in previous blogs Alejandro. I was starting to really grow on him from something I didn't even think was there. I started sleeping over at his house, and after a while I started to hug him more than a friend, and eventually start with the soft intimate kisses I've grown to love. At this point in time I was confused what was going on, but I knew for sure I liked him. The time to leave for Disney was arriving quickly, and the thought to date Alejandro crossed my mind. I decided to push that thought off to the side, scared of another long distance relationship messing up.

A few weeks later I was invited to a send off party in Southwest Ranches, Florida about four hours south of Tampa by a guy named Zackery. He was so sweet and just as excited as I was about going to Disney. I slept over at his house for the weekend, and with the exception of drama from unimportant people, it turned out fantastic. Zack and I started hugging and kissing during the weekend, and eventually, we agreed to date as he would be living in my apartment complex in Orlando.

On my way home from Southwest Ranches, I called Alejandro and told him about Zack and I starting to date. Alej was notably upset but pretended it didn't bother him much over the phone. We got off the phone, and I listened to my music for a while in the car, thinking about everything. After an hour or so went by, I gave Alej a call again to see how he was doing. This time he didn't hide that he was upset. That's when my chest became tight and regret began to sink in. I drove to his apartments and held him for literally hours as we were both upset. The next day was no better, when he was upset at work as well, so I once again went to comfort him for a few hours.

I had made a huge mistake, one that still puts me through pain as I type this. I realized that I loved Alej, and how everything I had wanted was right here in Tampa with him. After a day or two longer, I split my relationship with Zack citing long distance issues with our relationship and maybe we could try again in Orlando, but that would never happen.

Things started going back to normal with Alej and I. We were once again hugging, kissing, and sleeping in the same bed. Everything felt okay again and I grew ever closer to him. He, Joe, and James helped me pack up for Disney the day before my arrival date, and again all seemed well. I checked in and went through the orientation and traditions class. I was then assigned to my apartment and to my work location at the monorails. I would typically work five days a week and then have two days off at a time. Every single day I had off while I was in the Disney College Program I drove an hour and a half each way from Orlando to Tampa just to see Alejandro.

After about a month into the program my feelings started to change about things drastically. All I could think about was Alejandro and when we would spend time together next. I also thought about how much I was starting to dislike Disney. Disney forced me to use my legal name rather than the name I've been using for half a decade, worked me in shifts that were the legal minimum of eight hours apart back to back, prohibited me from wearing my Buddhist mala, found out Disney outsourced most of their IT jobs reducing my internship chances, and paying $360/month to share a room in an apartment with five other people. I was starting to feel homesick and lonely in Orlando and just wanted to go back home.

A month into the internship I asked Alejandro to be my boyfriend, and he told me he couldn't give me an answer at the moment. We kept hugging, kissing, being intimate, and basically everything that would constitute a relationship. Was I wrong to assume that he wanted to be with me? Two weeks passed and I was resting my head on him while laying down on his bed and I brought the question up again. This time he told me "I think it would be best if we were just friends". I didn't understand this response at all. Had we not been so close these past weeks? But still nothing changed. I kept sleeping over at his place holding him in my arms while I slept, kissing him, as if nothing had changed.

A week later I was at work when my heart rate accelerated dangerously high for over five minutes. An ambulance was called and I was rushed to the hospital. After five hours of being watched by doctors I was released. They said I had a severe potassium deficiency, likely from sweating it all out on the job which caused heart palpitations. I was sent home and given an entire work week off. During that entire time I recovered at Alejandro's house. When I got there he stopped embracing me or being too affectionate, and by the end of the week, he had stopped kissing me. His reasoning was he "was sick" and didn't feel like it, so I thought nothing of it.

That weekend I had decided it was time for me to come back to Tampa where I belong. I started looking for a job and found one within a few days at a salad restaurant. The next week I said goodbye to my friends and allowed my family in the parks for the last time. I walked to the commons office and terminated myself, turning in my last belongings to head home. When I arrived at Alej's, now he had stopped even hugging me often or being a little affectionate.

Over the past week and weekend we have spent time together, but it hurts more with every day. Alej states that the main reason why he won't date me is because I dated Zack for those few days. I have stood by his side every single day I've had available and at this point I don't know what to do. I don't want to just be friends as it would just break me slowly. What kills me is there is absolutely no way I can make this situation better. If someone loves you, why would they reject to be with you downright? Until then I sit here numb towards relationships. All I can do is leave him alone.