Unfortunate Relapse

I probably shouldn't write an entry in my current emotional state, but I've decided to go against my better judgment this time around. It's incredible what effect memories can have on your daily life. That spot at the grocery store you may always visit, that neighborhood you will always avoid like the plague, or the road you no longer travel on. I certainly doubt I am the only one, but does everyone feel so overwhelmed with those memories from the past?

Thinking now, all my fears, all my daily habits, just my general behavior is directly influenced from those memories. For example, I will always go to the shell gas station outside of my neighborhood district even if it's out of the way, for if I go to the one not a mile north of it, I will stagger in memories from my ex-partner. It almost seems like anything within a mile of his home, is no man's land for me. Just being in the area instills fear into my chest. Does everyone experience the nightmares of the past I have grown so used to?

I recognize I have a lingering mental problem of this irrational fear, and I want to so desperately fix it. I have lost two lovers that I would have taken a bullet for, and after each loss, I feel even farther from the rest of the people close to me. Those two relationships were the results of years of devoted care and attention, and all that remain are there haunting memories of their loss.

What troubles me so much is that I do not feel alone at the moment. I am currently dating Andrew, the man who helped me escape the hardships of my ex partner. We have been dating for almost three weeks now and I honestly couldn't be any happier. We started dating two weeks after Beau and I separated, as he had to move to Tennessee. He unfortunately was unable to find a job in Tampa and sadly ran out of money that allowed him to remain within close in distance from me. But Andrew and Beau have been so supportive for me, and there for each step I take.

So why do I still go into these sudden relapses of a hellish state of mind? Even if it lasts for only an hour or two, the pain it causes during that time is immense and certainly takes a toll on my health. Do you remember those slide viewers you would hold up to the light as a kid and pull the lever to see the next slide? Well, the experience is similar in many ways to my past. In my mind I'm seeing those slides, slightly faded, pictures of both the happiest days of my life, like the day Steve proposed to me as I sat on his bed or the days Brett and I spent walking around in Jugner Forest in game. The next slide showing the worst days of my life, watching the blood stain Steve's clothes, the days Brett would stand next to me in game, and pretend I didn't exist for months at a time.

But how do you prevent such relapses? Tonight I was completely fine when I woke up from a nap after a hard day's work. I called Andrew and was able to speak with him for a few minutes while I made dinner, then laid down to study for my final semester of CCNA. iTunes was open on my computer and I set it to play the Piano Collections from Final Fantasy XI. One moment I'm reading about permanent virtual circuits, the next I realize I'm crying into relapse. Something that wouldn't have made me relapse yesterday, throws me into it at full force tonight. Interesting how the human mind can work.

So unfortunately I close this entry for now. My Rx tonight will be some hot tea, some silent meditation, and much needed rest. Only time will tell what the future holds for me.