Living With Rx's and Ex's

I'm so sorry everyone, It's been so long since I've had the time to sit down and actually write a blog entry. I would like to clarify that I have not and never will abandon my blog if at all possible. As of late, I've been constantly busy with school, work, my social life, my gaming social life, boyfriend, and unfortunately with medical complications.

Andrew and I are getting close to our six month anniversary, marking him as the longest steady relationship since Steve and I. It's becoming more natural every day with Andrew, and for that I'm very glad. The excitement of dating has seemed to fade, but I love him no less than day one, and appreciate his constant tender loving care he gives me every day. Every weekend, we meet either at my place in Tampa, or his place in Leesburg to spend time together, with the exception of last weekend. We were starting to feel a little overwhelmed with each others presence all the time, so we mutually agreed to take a weekend off of our normal meeting schedule.

Over the past four or five months, I've unfortunately been experiencing many bothersome medical conditions. If you do not enjoy reading details that may be disgusting, feel free to skip the next three paragraphs. It all started with a sharp pain in my right groin area, which lasted for a few weeks. Gradually, the pain started spreading to my lower right abdomen and across my pelvis region. This is around the time I went to my primary physician, who diagnosed me with a sinus infection, of which I still don't understand. From there it became worse and spread further up my abdomen. I returned back to my doctor a few days later, so he had me run some urine samples, which came back with blood in them. At this point my doctor referred me to a Urologist in the area and had me take several CT scans, none of which came back with anything. The Urologist performed many invasive exams including a prostate exam and other exams which I don't recall the name for. The Urologist scheduled me for a Cystoscopy, but cancelled it on the day of the procedure after more tests came back inconclusive. The only thing they found was a small cyst on my kidney, which would most likely have no effect on me.

Alright, I could accept that, so I went back to my general physician where he put me on generic antibiotics just in case I had an infection. A few weeks later I started having severe crippling cold spells that left me shaking in bed with my temperature dropping to almost a hypothermia level and dull chest pain. That Saturday, Andrew drove me to the Urgent Care Center to investigate why I was having such severe symptoms. At the Urgent Care Center, I was placed into a freezing room while I was going through cold spells for hours until they could take x-rays of my chest. The results showed very little, so they diagnosed me with Costocondritis (inflammation of the rib cage). A few weeks later passed by and I started bleeding when using either form of going to the restroom.

I then went to my primary physician who referred me to a Gastroenterologist, took some blood samples, and had me take half a dozen, more invasive x-rays and CT scans of my body (all of which came back with no results). The Gastroenterologist put me on acid blockers and scheduled an EGD (camera in your stomach) procedure. Two weeks later I went through with the procedure, had biopsies taken from my stomach, but still received normal results. Two weeks later I started having heavy chest pain in my right rib cage and difficulty breathing, with all inhalers failing to affect me. Then my Gastroenterologist then scheduled a colonoscopy, which also came back with no unusual results with the exception of small hemroids (but the type almost everyone has at all times). My Gastroenterologist compiled all the results from all past visits at my appointment yesterday morning to tell me I have IBS, which still does not explain any of my symptoms in my torso. So now we're back to what seems to be the beginning, with symptoms and no explanation. I'm starting to give up on the medical field to be honest. I will be returning to my primary physician soon to try and figure out why I'm having trouble breathing.

An interesting development in my life is that Steve contacted me. Now I know that if you've read my blogs from my past, you're probably thinking I'm a bit crazy right now, but let me explain. I had been reading my normal gaming news when I heard the announcement that Final Fantasy XIV Online had opened applications for a lottery beta application entry. In response to this exciting news, I sent a mass text message out on my phone, that coincidently hit even the people I don't like or don't talk to anymore. A little after midnight that night I received a call from a worried Steve who really just wanted to talk to me.

I was skeptical at first, and quite honestly filled with pain and resentment, but decided to give the guy a chance to explain his reasoning for calling me. He and his partner of now three years had been in a fight earlier that night, so Steve snuck out of his house to call and talk to his last real friend since he and Peter formed their relationship, me. You see the irony in this picture, was that during the two years I was with Steve, I was never allowed to have friends or talk to many people from Steve's jealously, and now the tides had turned. Steve told me how he is not allowed to talk to anyone because of Peter's jealousy. At this point I started feeling a little upset, not because I was talking to my ex-partner, but that I would have never wished for him to suffer in the same way he had put me through. he legitimately sounded worried and maybe even a little scared that his boyfriend would find out that he contacted me.

He told me that he had become a vegetarian a while back, a change from the same person who condemned me to hell because I wouldn't eat meat. He became an atheist in the time we had apart, seeing the flaws and hypocrisy in the bible, and he told me he wanted to go to college and be a psychology major when three years ago he would have said school was stupid and unnecessary. In that moment I started crying without letting Steve catch on to it, because I realized the one person I have had nightmares about for years, the one person I always tried to forgive but couldn't, doesn't exist anymore. Steve has changed so much over the past three years, what selfish motive do I have to hate him for?

For once I felt sorry for him, and for the first time in years I felt like his friend again, if only for the two hours we talked together. I understand now, and I forgive Steve for what he had done to me in the past. I still haven't heard from him since that phone call, but I smile knowing I still have Steve as a friend, no matter the amount of time that goes by.

In school, I am close to finishing my Associates in Arts degree with only a single math class remaining after I finish this semester. I'm planning on applying for the Fall Advantage Disney Internship program which runs from May 2010 to January 2011 as an Information Technology intern and finishing my AA degree online over the summer while I attend the program. Hillsborough Community College and I butted heads for a while when they informed me that when they graduated me from my CCC CCNA technical degree, they also graduated me from the entire college, effectively blocking me from finishing my AA degree. After talking to an admissions advisor, I had the issue fixed and I'm just waiting for my scholarship money to come through any day now. I'll keep you posted on how my classes turn out.

In my gaming life, I have been playing AION Online for the past three months, reaching level 35 on my Sorcerer character on the Lumiel server (Elyos faction). I've been playing with Andrew, Rukira, and Demicent from Final Fantasy XI, as well as some new friends I've made along the way like Momo, Pyro, and Zareth. I'm hoping to hit the max level, level fifty, before the Final Fantasy XIV Online open beta launches, which is also the time everyone I mentioned will quit AION.

This weekend, Andrew and I are attending Elliott's Winter Carnival, a seasonal furry party located in Orlando, Florida. I can't wait to see all my friends that I haven't seen in a few months! Anyways, that's all for now, I'll try to keep up to date, but time always seems to get the best of me.

Life Value Clarification

This was my final paper for my General Psychology class. It was intended to fulfill the Gordon Rule law with 1,715 words as well as provide insight about ourselves to, well ourselves:

1. What do you specifically want in life?
In life, there are many things I would want to have, but the better question for me would be "What do you need in life?" The first thing you should know about me before proceeding to the next twenty-two questions is that I am Buddhist, and I believe that I should avoid earthly attachments whenever possible. All I really need is food, water, and a group of people to love and accept me.

2. What are your basic beliefs?
As I said in the previous question, I am a Nichiren-Shu Buddhist. I believe in unconditional love for those around me, even if it may be easier said than done. I am also a Vegan, meaning I eat no animal products. I believe that cruelty towards any being, including eating animals, seriously contradicts my belief of unconditional love.

3. If money wasn't a problem what would you really want or do?
If money wasn't a problem, I would probably fly all over the world to see where my religious practice originated from. I would probably erase any debt I had and help fund a local temple or religious center. I would secure a home in a small living area and finally buy a car that would take me places without endangering my health. I would help fund a center for furthering our studies in technological research in computers or programming languages.

4. The key to success is to follow your passion. The trick is to identify your passion. What is your passion?
My passion is to keep learning throughout my entire life whether it is through religion, technology, or other forms. I firmly believe the day you stop learning is the day your life ends, rather than the day your body gives out.

5. Compare yourself to an inanimate object and why?
I think the best inanimate object to relate to would be water. Through your life, you change and mold to your surroundings, just as water does in its own environment. You may change completely into a new form, but you are always still there. Your mind and body are forever changing, just as water is always changing. Even when you die, you are still here in some form, whether it's spiritual or physical. I believe I am very transparent in what I do, just as water is transparent.

6. What would you like to have accomplished by the end of your life?
I would like to have learned as much as I could at the end of my life, and had the opportunity to spread it to the generation after me. Education is very important in my life, and having learned so much without passing it on would be such a waste. I would want to have helped support a cause for what I believe is right. This could be done in many ways, something small like volunteering for an animal rights group, or something as large as helping erect a local temple for others in my Sangha (Buddhist Community) to share with me.

7. What biographical information would you like the newspaper to include in your obituary?
I would like the newspaper to identify what I did for the community and for people around me. I would love to be known as a teacher who made a difference, even if it was a difference only a few saw.

8. What would your spouse, friends, children, boss, enemies add to the obituary?
I would hope that my spouse would say that he loved me very much, and that the rest had cared for me, and admired my honesty and friendship while I was still present with them.

9. In only one or two sentences, describe how you want to be perceived and remembered?
Kito was a man of kindness and love, who watched out for everyone around him. He practiced compassion to everyone in their times of need.

10. If you could (and you can) change one aspect of your behavior what would it be?
If I could change one aspect of my behavior, I would control my selfish desires with more ease. I grew up for years were it was always felt like a competition to get whatever I wanted. I would have to go to selfish lengths, to cheat, lie, or steal to succeed. I look back and no longer want to be that person. I want to be able to give to others as much as I can. This selfishness caused me not to trust everyone around me. For about a year I would not talk to anyone, because I feared that everyone would betray me eventually. This caused unneeded anxiety in my life and hindered my ability to be social with others.

11. In one word completely describe yourself?
Empathy. I feel compassion towards those around me. I feel what others feel, which comes as a double edged sword. It can help put me in almost a manic mood of happiness, or it can cripple me in pain and sorrow. It all depends on who is around me, and what they are feelings.

12. Don't think your feeling's: be your feelings. What are your feelings?
I feel love, I care for so much and want to protect it. I want to be there for people, to let them know it's okay and that it's okay to be scared. I'm constantly scared, but I don't give in. I push forward rather than stay behind and turn to dust. I feel sorrow for those people who have failed themselves, and have little possibility of recovering. I want to help so much, but there is so little I feel I can accomplish sometimes.

13. Tell me something about yourself: something no one else knows.
[Removed from public version.]

14. If you had one wish, what would it be?
I would wish that suffering would finally end in this world, that everyone would reach enlightenment. I believe everyone has the potential to reach enlightenment eventually, but if everyone were to reach it at once, suffering would inevitably end.

15. What is your favorite sound and why?
For some reason, I really enjoy classical music, bells, and chimes. This coincidently helps me stay calm in group meditation that have chimes or through classical music during a normal day. When listening to a song or melody with words, I get easily distracted and can't focus on anything that I had originally wanted to get done. But when listening to classical, I can feel the mood, or lack thereof while still retaining the ability to concentrate.

16. What sound do you hate and why?
There are several sounds I hate beyond belief. For one, I hate the sound of screaming, it sends chills up my spine. When I tried getting into screamo rock in high school, I finally gave up because it made me so uncomfortable. The second sound I absolutely hate is crying. It's almost always an indicator that something is terribly wrong or that the person is severely hurt, neither of which I like experiencing or seeing others experience.

17. What is your favorite word and why?
My favorite word would probably be 犬 or いぬ, which is pronounced "inu", meaning dog. I have always felt such a strong attachment to dogs in particular, but never liked the word dog. When I learned Japanese, everyone called dogs 犬, which I liked more, and started to use.

18. What is your least favorite word and why?
My least favorite word is "faggot". It is one of the most derogatory words I have ever heard. It has come to mean a bad description of being gay. One of the most harmful words my enemies had always yelled at me in the past was "faggot", and it hit home hard. I'm gay myself, and so is my dad. It just feels like a direct attack on a part of me I cannot change, nor do I think it is wrong or bad.

19. What profession would you like to attempt and why?
My dream profession would be an Information Technology professor. I know I'm talented in the Information Technology field and advanced in it for my age, and I would love to share that knowledge with others that want it. When I retire, I would hope to become a Monk for my current school of Buddhism that I would be practicing, another way I could spread knowledge to those who need it.

20. What profession would you never be in and why?
I would never be a slaughterhouse worker. Just seeing videos of the job itself is horrifying to me. I can't imagine ever killing beings for a living. Very little regard to how the animals feel or what it feels like to have your throat slit alive. It just seems so barbaric to me.

21. Anger is always fear. Always the fear of loss. What is your fear and why?
My fear is to be alone and to make no difference in anyone's life. I am afraid that no one will understand. My worst nightmares are when people can't hear my voice when I want to save them, for them to know I'm there. As you can tell from previous questions, I strive to help others, and to fail to do so scares me immensely. I want to help as much as I possibly can, even when I realize that my help is not enough.

22. If heaven exists - What do you hope God says to you upon arrival?
I do not believe in god or heaven. I believe Buddha to be the great teacher who reached enlightenment in our world millennia ago. I believe he left the dharma for us to learn from so we could also travel the path to enlightenment.

23. What would you answer God?
Just as I answered in the previous question, I do not believe in god. But if I were to answer Buddha, I would thank him for his effect on my life, bringing calmness to me in so many ways. He is the ultimate teacher, my hero, and my idol.

Unfortunate Relapse

I probably shouldn't write an entry in my current emotional state, but I've decided to go against my better judgment this time around. It's incredible what effect memories can have on your daily life. That spot at the grocery store you may always visit, that neighborhood you will always avoid like the plague, or the road you no longer travel on. I certainly doubt I am the only one, but does everyone feel so overwhelmed with those memories from the past?

Thinking now, all my fears, all my daily habits, just my general behavior is directly influenced from those memories. For example, I will always go to the shell gas station outside of my neighborhood district even if it's out of the way, for if I go to the one not a mile north of it, I will stagger in memories from my ex-partner. It almost seems like anything within a mile of his home, is no man's land for me. Just being in the area instills fear into my chest. Does everyone experience the nightmares of the past I have grown so used to?

I recognize I have a lingering mental problem of this irrational fear, and I want to so desperately fix it. I have lost two lovers that I would have taken a bullet for, and after each loss, I feel even farther from the rest of the people close to me. Those two relationships were the results of years of devoted care and attention, and all that remain are there haunting memories of their loss.

What troubles me so much is that I do not feel alone at the moment. I am currently dating Andrew, the man who helped me escape the hardships of my ex partner. We have been dating for almost three weeks now and I honestly couldn't be any happier. We started dating two weeks after Beau and I separated, as he had to move to Tennessee. He unfortunately was unable to find a job in Tampa and sadly ran out of money that allowed him to remain within close in distance from me. But Andrew and Beau have been so supportive for me, and there for each step I take.

So why do I still go into these sudden relapses of a hellish state of mind? Even if it lasts for only an hour or two, the pain it causes during that time is immense and certainly takes a toll on my health. Do you remember those slide viewers you would hold up to the light as a kid and pull the lever to see the next slide? Well, the experience is similar in many ways to my past. In my mind I'm seeing those slides, slightly faded, pictures of both the happiest days of my life, like the day Steve proposed to me as I sat on his bed or the days Brett and I spent walking around in Jugner Forest in game. The next slide showing the worst days of my life, watching the blood stain Steve's clothes, the days Brett would stand next to me in game, and pretend I didn't exist for months at a time.

But how do you prevent such relapses? Tonight I was completely fine when I woke up from a nap after a hard day's work. I called Andrew and was able to speak with him for a few minutes while I made dinner, then laid down to study for my final semester of CCNA. iTunes was open on my computer and I set it to play the Piano Collections from Final Fantasy XI. One moment I'm reading about permanent virtual circuits, the next I realize I'm crying into relapse. Something that wouldn't have made me relapse yesterday, throws me into it at full force tonight. Interesting how the human mind can work.

So unfortunately I close this entry for now. My Rx tonight will be some hot tea, some silent meditation, and much needed rest. Only time will tell what the future holds for me.

I'm Alive (I Promise)

Alright, so I realize that I have not submitted a blog entry since April, so it should be a relief (for most) to inform you that I have not died, just merely busy. Lately I have been dealing with life, which apparently includes: My job, my school, anime, gaming, Buddhism, and my boyfriend Beau. Sadly, it's becoming increasingly difficult to keep all in check, and quite honestly, I'm horrible at prioritizing anything.

I've been dating Beau for about six weeks now, all of which have been great. I met him online maybe half a year ago through some of my fur friends on Myspace, talked to him on Yahoo a few times, but never really kicked it off until about two months ago. About six weeks ago he moved down to Tampa, Florida with his heterosexual roommate from Pensacola up in northern Florida. They had both terminated their contracts with the companies they were working for and were planning on aquiring jobs in Tampa. Unfortunately, they've had many job interviews but can't seem to land anything. With time running out, I'm pushed into a situation that I don't know how to handle. His roomate is probably bailing out and moving to Texas tomorrow, and Beau may have to go live in Missippi with his dad.

This weekend was Metrocon 2009. Beau and I went with Chase and Nikki, and our fur friends Sean and Zach, who are from Boca Raton. We didn't arrive until Saturday afternoon and didn't obtain our badges until Saturday night, after the dealer's room was closed of course. On Sunday we watched the Human Chess Match, which was slightly dissapointing as they killed off everyone. I was able to buy "Hana-Kimi Volume 5" before we left for home though.

In my practice of Buddhism, all is going well. I have found myself settled in the Nichiren-Shu school of Buddhism. Last week I received a Butsudon, which is part of a personal altar, and then Beau gave me a singing bowl this week that is used during services. I've been meditating as much as possible, which with my current schedule is every other night or so. I still want to become more experienced with chanting meditation, as I run out of breath all the time.

If anyone has been seeing my posts on Facebook and Myspace about playing World of Warcraft, then now would be a great time to pretend you never saw them. I have given up WoW and I'm now playing Final Fantasy XI again as the same character, same server, and same job. I liked WoW, but FFXI just feels like home to me. I'm so glad to be able to see Brett, Natsuchii, and my other friend again in game. On my first day back I made the mistake of accidently messaging my ex-partner Steve. I saw an unfamiliar name so I messaged them saying: "Hey, do I know you? You were on my Friend's List." and received the response, "No, you don't know me. Don't talk to me." I immediatley knew who it was him after seeing his attitude and later confirmed his identity with a few other players. Meh, we all make mistakes.

As for school and work, I'm tackling the rest of my CCNA and working twenty-seven hours a week. My CCNA class feels like I'm playing survivor. We started with thirty-five students, now we're down to six including myself. I'm barely holding on by the skin on my teeth, but I think I'll get by. For now, I'll just keep moving on with a positive attitude in hopes that I will succeed.

Letter to the Original Kito

As many of you know, the name "Kito" is actually adopted from another person in my past life. Recently, I found the original Kito on Facebook, and after gaining courage for a month, thought to write to him. I wanted to thank him for everything he's done to help me, which by the way, he wasn't even aware he did. This is my letter to him that I sent today:

Hey Kito, it's been a long time since I last talked to you, five years I think. My name used to be Michael Brandt, and I used to be your stand partner in the Viola section of the Tampa Bay Youth Orchestra's Junior Philharmonic.

I've wanted to talk to you for years, and I would hear about you once or twice a year, but decided to keep it to myself. I just wanted to say thank you.

I quit the Junior Philharmonic when I had just turned fifteen years old. I became boyfriends with a man named Steve (who was three years older than me) in January that year, when we would still have orchestra every week. I started to lose my friends slowly after I was with him. He started cutting me off from all my friends that I cared about one by one. He attended our last concert for that year and told me it sounded like nails on a chalkboard, and forced me to quit orchestra.

Slowly he started abusing me emotionally and then physically. He literally kept me hostage threatening to kill himself every time I thought of escaping. He would go so far as to cut himself for every "sin" I committed in his eyes. I was stuck in the abusive relationship for two years with no friends to talk to or support me. I even started to forget what it was like having friends and started feeling suicidal myself just to escape him. You were the last person that I could call a "friend", and a constant reminder that not everyone was like my partner.

A year into the abuse, I adopted your name to remind myself of truly kind people in the world. I started going by Kito everywhere, and started signing as "Kito" on my legal documents. I truly believe that it helped me keep moving forward beyond the abuse I went through. I started changing, and after a while "Michael" seemed just like a fake memory.

Although we weren't really "friends" outside of orchestra, I was still very happy to have you as my stand partner because you were always so nice and shared a lot of my interests. You were the last person I really had to talk to, even if we didn't know each other very well.

It's been years now, and I escaped my partner after two years when I baker acted him for psychiatric evaluation. My life has changed a lot for the better, and I consider myself a successful person. My name is in the middle of becoming legally changed, after using it as my common name for so many years.

You don't really know me anymore, and I don't really know you. If you want to talk again sometime, that would be nice, if not, life goes on. All in all, I just wanted to say thank you for being my friend in the past, I truly believe you saved my life. It truly is amazing that doing something so little as being nice to someone can mean so much over the years. Thank You.

Kito Michael Brandt

Regardless of his response, whether is is positive, negative, or if it is ignored, I still plan to legally change my name within the next year. As I don't really know him anymore, I don't really know how he will react. Let's hope it goes well.

Pardon

I'm a selfish person. Reading lately has brought this to my attention. The world is not about me, and I should never think such. Maybe I never thought of it or realized it consciously, but even so, I am no less guilty. In law, you are punished the same whether your actions were conscious or not, that is, unless you plead insanity.

But I refuse to plead insanity, because as much as I would enjoy laying the blame on something else, it would still be wrong. If I've learned anything in the past few months, the most important lesson is that I must claim responsibility for my actions.

I was selfish during my partnership with Steve. I let him do everything for me with no regard to how he may have felt. My heart, though beating, icced over with greed. Greed for money, greed for sexual gratification, greed for the love he gave me so graciously. I am an abuse victim, but now I realize he is too, because of me. Although my love for him has faded to nothingness, I still reach my hand out in an apologetic gesture.

I have been selfish with the friends I hold close. I have held Chase so close he could hardly breathe, barring my teeth at any woman that attempted (or succeeded) to begin a relationship with him. I had condemned Tyler out of pure greed to "protect" Brett, without having any will to step into his shoes to correctly assess the situations that happened. The only two friends I've found immune to this greed were Cari and Donna. At first thought, I couldn't imagine why, but then the answer hit me: They are women.

The most recent and lasting "offense" of this crime of selfish repitition would be towards Brett. Three years, it's required three years to realize this offense. We fought often when we still talked, and he described how he felt in detail. But I cannot remember a time where I tried to see the world through his eyes. I viewed him solely as the man who tried to tried to break my heart, nothing more or less.

The other night, I was reading "Eclipse" by Stephanie Meyer. In the novel, Jacob is often hurt by what Bella says and does, but you can clearly see that Bella is very unaware of the pain she is inflicting. A day or two after I finished the novel, I started thinking of Jacob's character in depth. When I compared him to Brett in my thoughts, I staggered in realization. I had never thought of Brett's pain that accumulated between us. He wasn't there to break my heart, that would hardly be human. I feel guilty for not realizing this years ago, as much suffering could have been avoided.

And now I sit in this imaginary cell, with imaginary handcuffs binding my hands. The verdict clearly reads that I am guilty of my actions and offenses. For now, all I can await for is a pardon which may never come.

Thank You

This entry will start off a little different than my usual entries. First, I would like to thank all of my readers who constantly show support for my writing. Without you, I would have shut down the domain KitoSoma.com long ago. Tonight, I renewed the domain name for two more years (until mid 2011), and I hope to see more readers, as well as my current ones in the future!

Today was my twin sister and I's nineteenth birthday, which was fantastic. I woke up around three in the afternoon to friends and family already arriving at my home to celebrate. For dinner we had a great vegetarian meal which included some spinach stuffed noodle shells, Italian herb bread, and of course, some ice cream cake. For the presents, I received a bunch of small gifts as my main gift was an expensive pair of D&G glasses. I'm a true believer for "it's the thought that counts", so I didn't mind.

My boyfriend, Paul, who I've been dating for a week as of today, came over after a rock concert in St. Petersburg. Although he didn't give me a physical present, a kiss did suffice all my needs. We spent the evening running up to Starbucks to buy my "Starbucks Gold Card" and watching Wolf's Rain, another plus for the day.

Lately, I've found myself so busy! I have an enormous amount of CCNA: Routing Protocols and Concepts homework and reading that I've been procrastinating on for weeks. I've stopped going to class in fear that he's going to actually check our homework. To make matters more complicated (and to Paul's objection), I've been addicted to Stephanie Meyer's Breaking Dawn. And to finally top the icing on the cake (no pun intended for today), I have the CompTIA Network+ exam I have already resceduled once ready for this upcoming Friday. I will most likely have to reschedule it again because of everything stacked on my plate.

Speaking of Information Technology, I have converted from an entirely Microsoft based network, to a hybrid Microsoft-Linux (Ubuntu) network. I have found many of the features amazing and useful for the type of work I have been doing. What would I do without some Wine (Linux Joke)?

Here's a picture of my Linux Ubuntu Desktop:


For the first time, I can say the following in my blog: Nothing much has really changed.

Shrouded Haze

The air around me felt cold, haze shrouded my view in the gloomy area I was in. Could I even call it an area? Where exactly was I?
“Hello?” I called out to the darkness ahead of me.
A voice replied from the nothingness, “Why would you talk to me again Michael? Do you really want to hurt me more than you already have?”
My feet had frozen in place, my spine let out a shiver, and I felt a piercing feeling as my former name sunk into my thoughts.
The voice I heard was not something I could ever forget. The air seemed to chill around me.
“Why did you contact me?” the voice questioned yet again in a stern tone.
Had I contacted him? I couldn’t remember for the life of me.
I hesitated. “I don’t know why,” my voice weakly sounded. “Where are you? Where am I? I’m just glad to hear your voice, to know you’re okay.”
I waited for a response, but the haze just floated lazily around me. I moved my right foot forward, noticing I could move again. Panic quickly controlled my thoughts at the lack of his voice.
Quivering softly I looked deeper into the darkness past the haze. Still nothing happened, and any trace of the voice was gone.
I began to walk forward, my pace hastened with each step. My walk became a run as the panic took a stronger hold of me.
“Please answer me,” my voice became harsh, “I don’t know where I am. I need your help!”
The voice responded in a clear tone, “Goodbye Michael.”
I scanned the darkness ahead, seeing the back of a man. Why would he say goodbye? He was lost too, wasn’t he?
The distance between he and I closed, only meters away, his back still turned at me.
My hand stretched out to grab his shoulder that was so close, now only a single meter away.
I blinked, and the man I would have touched in that moment was gone. Nothing remained of him.
I turned to look around at the space that surrounded me. Again there was nothing. Not even the haze was there to comfort me. There was no sound, no colors, just darkness in every direction, lacking familiarity.
My feet gave way to the realization, that I was alone, my absolute fear. I lay on the floor, if I could even call it a floor, if it even was a floor.
A feeling of despair hit me as I closed my eyes. I wanted to cry, but I held it back, succumbing to the cold darkness that engulfed me.
My alarm clock pulled me from the nightmare, but I still felt burden with nausea.
I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes, only to prepare for the day of work ahead of me.

Spring Break

A month has passed, and as I state in every other one of my blogs, much has happened. I feel more alone, but in a way, I know I'll be okay eventually.

A few weeks ago, I logged on to Myspace and checked my favorites, where I secretly kept tabs on Brett even though we hadn't talked in three months. I saw his default picture was changed. In the picture with him was my ex-best friend Tyler hugging him, in person. I immediately knew what this meant: Brett was in Florida and was most likely in Tampa. I broke down in tears within a few seconds, screaming at the top of my lungs and gasping for air. I had never been so emotionally hurt in my life! After an hour of trying to regain control of myself, I stupidly sent mean text messages to both Tyler and Brett, asking why they would hurt me so bad. Tyler called me a few hours later and I asked that we try to settle things between us, to which he I agreed. He said Brett was still in Tampa and wasn't leaving to go back to California for a few days. Tears ran down my face hearing this. Did he really hate me that much? He told me they both would come over.

I heard a knock on the door to my home a few hours later. I opened it slowly, my heart beating fast in my chest. First I saw Tyler, and then my eyes shifted the man to his right. My vision quickly became blurred, and the doorway seemed to spin a bit as I gripped it tightly. I let them in and showed them the way to my room, trying not to faint. Tyler sat on my bed as did I, and Brett sat in the chair across the room. I let out a sad excuse for a "Hello", my body shaking with nervousness and a small amount of fear. We talked for a bit, and I asked Brett to sit next to me on the bed. I couldn't help but hug him when he sat down beside me, feeling his body heat before I touched him. I felt complete with him in my arms. This was the man I loved for so long, the man I thought I would never meet in my life regardless of how strong I felt. We ended up getting along, and I asked him for the kiss we never had. He let out a confused answer, so I made the decision for him by putting my hand behind his head and giving him a quick kiss on the lips. He looked surprised, but I think he saw it coming before I even asked. They had to leave, so I gave Brett a full embrace and said goodbye, assuring him we would see each other again before he went back to California.

I went to Callahan, Florida that weekend with Paul. I met many interesting people, including my longtime Final Fantasy XI friend Leif (Evan), who happens to be Paul's best friend. I made friends with several of the people hanging out with us, and I look forward to seeing them again soon. We saw Evan perform with the Jacksonville Youth Symphony, bringing up past memories of when I was in the Tampa Bay Youth Orchestras myself. A painful memory, but a memory nonetheless.

On Monday, Chase and I wanted to go to the Hookah Lounge, even though I don't smoke because of my lungs. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to see Brett again. I called Tyler and asked if he and Brett wanted to join up with us. After a while, Brett finally agreed. We chatted for a few hours and laughed at little jokes here and there, but I knew even the mask of happiness in the air did not cover the pain Brett and I were experiencing being in each other's company. He pulled me aside near some trees nearby, his eyes darting away from me and looking emotionally upset. I knew what he was going to say before he even started talking. "I think it would be best if we didn't stay friends" he muttered softly, looking away from me. I nodded and told him I would be there no matter what for him, no matter the reason. I hugged him tight, and for once in the three years we've known each other, I felt truly sorry for him.

This was not about me. He was upset in my arms and I was hurting him by being in his life. It may hurt for Brett not to be in my life, but to bring suffering from my own selfish desires is just wrong. This was the result of both of our mistakes, and it was time for me to accept that and move on. I hugged him and made sure he was aware that he could come to me anytime he wanted while he was in Tampa. I watched him and Tyler drive away as Chase and I drove home ourselves. Later that night I texted him, asking if he could come over and get to know me in person for once. He declined and I accept that. I'm too late. He texted me when he was back in California. While we talked via text, he became upset and said he would no longer talk to me. There would be no reason why what I said would upset any normal relationship and accepted it as his way of ceasing communication. Again, I accept. I have Tyler as a friend again, and I thank him for giving me another chance because of Brett.

I have started practicing Buddhism on a fairly normal basis now. I meditate every other night or so, trying hard to sit in the full lotus position, failing miserably every time. It took me a week to figure out that you can not immediately use the position, as it is actually a stretch maneuver. I started thinking intelligently and using the half-lotus position, with success this time. It reminds me how little I know of the religion, and how much I will be learning in the future. I have met great opposition to the decision from my friends, family, and extended family. I buzzed my hair off in an attempt to remove vanity and obsession of hair (which was a success), and in return was called names and criticized for doing so, which was hardly the point of the action to start with. But I'm not holding it against them, for it's not their life nor their decision.

I'm on spring break right now, with nothing interesting happening. Each day seems to drag on with nothing too important coming into plans. Paul went back to Callahan to stay at his mother's, Cari lives across town so I can never see her, and Chase is now in a relationship with a girl. This effectively leaves me alone for the week (or maybe longer). I just hope I will reap some positive karma sometime soon. Until then, I'm just that guy alone in the corner at Borders, or the brother who stays locked in his room all day.

IT Technician

I'm finally CompTIA A+ IT Technician Certified, but the funny thing is, I feel no different. I still feel mediocre in skill and status, the only difference being that I have a higher chance of getting an IT-related job. After taking a long bath tonight, I sat there in the water, feeling just as hopeless as usual. Do my achievements even hold value at this point in time? Does anyone really want to hire an eighteen year old college student with only a single certification?

These thoughts keep crossing my mind tonight, filling me to the brim with mixed feelings of hopelessness, frustration, maybe even a little anger. I finally received my textbooks for my Cisco Fundamentals class, along with my CEH (Certified Ethical Hacker) textbook today. With my Cisco text, I can finally finish all the classwork I have missed, and although CEH is so far away, I figured it wouldn't hurt to read through the textbook a year early (not to mention it being useful to have on hand). I made a chart that shows my certification path, as shown below:

I want to change this feeling of hopelessness. I want to show everyone, including myself, that I can succeed! I may not achieve this goal within a year, or even two, but as long as I put my heart to it, I know I will have all of them soon enough.

Irony tends to hit us is the most unexpected ways. Yesterday I checked my private home number for the first time in weeks. Turns out a woman called me a week ago asking if I was interested in an IT Technician position in Tampa. I called back but it was already way too late, causing me to lose the position. Irony because I accepted my old job back the day she called.

In the relationship world, I am still pleasantly single and not really actively looking for anyone. It's been five months since I've chosen to have have a boyfriend, and it's sad to say that this is the longest time period I've gone without a boyfriend in my gay life (the last four years). It's weird, I'm interested in people, yet I don't feel as attached to the hip with them like I used to. I can't help but think about Brett here and there, although I'm not "dying to be with him" like I used to feel like. He's just a daydream of the past now, morbid I know, but true nonetheless. All I can do now is sit from the sidelines and hope that he's alright, not that I should need to worry. I've been hanging out with Paul more in the past few weeks. Technically, he's been my friend over Myspace for years now, but he only just moved to Tampa to go to USF a little under a year ago. He invited me to the pride alliance last Thursday, where about forty LGBT students gathered for discussion with a movie afterwards.

Now deviating away from normal blog topics, I seem to be going through coffee with drawl. My step-father became angry with how much coffee my twin sister and I were drinking and decided to ban us from using the machine, by keeping it hostage in his room. I now find myself spending more money on Starbucks than I ever wished to spend. Unfortunately, I have no decent source of coffee whatsoever after midnight, pushing me to drive to the gas station for crappy vending machine coffee. I think next paycheck I will invest in a drip coffee maker before I start resorting to instant coffee (too late, talking about it encouraged me to go make some).

Time to go to bed, only to wake up in a few hours to the same old crap.