Growing Up

I'm single.
You know what? It's not so bad. It's time we start growing up, both you and I.
I'm getting stronger with every post to this silly blog, and I'm sure you can see it too. It's been ten months since I've had a PTSD episode, and I haven't been upset about my ex-partner even once this year. I've held on tight, and for the most part, I've emerged unscathed.

My boyfriend and I just mutually (hardly) decided that we shouldn't be an item anymore. Why you ask? Because we all need to grow the hell up. Guys, I understand I'm a needy individual, and that's perfectly okay. But at the same time, intimacy or romance should not be a twice a month kinda deal. That's not a relationship I want to keep. I want to hold, kiss, and enjoy the company of my partner. This relationship, although I made some mistakes here and there, really makes me feel like I wasn't in the wrong.

I catered to my partner's needs as best as I could. I cared for him and did whatever I could with little to no notice. I held him while he was sick and literally nursed him back to health for days. I realize that there really wasn't anything else I can do. He simply did not want to be with me, because I was around so much, and the commitment for life scared him.

But I'm okay! I cried for the first few days, and I put my big boy pants back on. I wiped the tears away and pulled myself back onto my feet. I'm not going to follow my mistakes in the past, and I will push forward. I've been more productive this weekend that I have been in almost a year. I've seen more friends that mean so much to me, and even had time for a date.

Why was this time so much easier than my previous long-term breakups with my ex-partner and my Jewbu ex-boyfriend, whereas those times I was nearly paralyzed from the thought of life? Am I growing desensitized to emotional pain? Maybe those relationships people had a stronger impact on me?

All I know, is it's time to grow up, and I'm certainly not waiting for anyone anymore.

Braving the Past

It’s true that sometime in our lives, we experience trials and tribulation, both good and bad that we tend to reflect on for years at a time. Why do we do this? Simply because it meant so much to you, regardless of whether it was a first kiss with someone in a new relationship, or they were physically harmed. But we continue to move forward, and reflecting on the past only makes us stronger in the future. It doesn't mean we “live” in the past, and it doesn't have to be everything we talk about. For the most part it stretches to our core, teaching us lessons either to repeat again with others, or to avoid in the future. Whether it’s caring for an ill loved one, or keeping your hands to yourself, it will help you be prepared for the situations you find yourself in.

I strive to be a better person when I look at my past. If you’re read my blog, then it’s safe to say that you should at least understand some of what I’m talking about. I have grown so far, and to this day I’m in the longest unbroken relationship of my life, consistently thinking of a subject I’ve never openly discussed before; Building a family. If I failed to look at the past, where would I have been? Maybe allowing someone to put their hands on me, or maybe being unsure of what to do when my boyfriend was in a terrible situation and needed my help.

I strongly believe that love never dulls and never fades. I don’t understand why I feel like the only person out there that genuinely forgives others for pretty much anything. To this day, if any of my ex’s contacted me asking for help, regardless of what happened between them and I, I would stand up and support them.There is no reason I should feel labeled weird or outcast because I decided to care about everyone around me (and not just friends), so why put me in such a category?

In my relationships, I am a stronger person. In my work, I am someone to count on. In my life, I’m willing to stand up for others. I’m here to make a stand and tell everyone that we should not fear our past, we should cherish it, and reflect on it often. Isnt everyone tired of being so scared and cold?

Legal & Legal

Over the past twenty-one years I've used a name that I was embarrassed, my birth name that is. Forced to use it in job settings at several major companies, Disney being the most cruel in its use. I am proud to say that as of June 6th, 2011, my name is now legally Kito. I've started to turn the cogs in my life to become the person I desire to be along with that name change. I refuse to back down whether it's school, work, or in my personal life. I will press on, and this is just the beginning.

I turned twenty-one in March, and ever since I have worked harder than ever. I have a boyfriend named Stuart who I've been with for almost five months officially now and love very much. I live with him on the weekends in the middle of North-Central Florida, and can't imagine myself without him.

When it comes to work, I've tried my hardest to be confident in what I do. I work in a large Technical Support Department, and after nine months of stressful callers I decided to try and move up from here. Last week I applied for a transfer to the server department to push the limits of what I can do. I've gotten to the point were everything in my daily work is quickly becoming mundane and boring. Hopefully I'll see a change right around the corner.

Until then.

Slowing Down

Winter this year was rather, how should I put it? Very much like Winter should be for once. I'm so used to living in Florida, having maybe a week or two of cold weather, then everything seems to warm right back up. This year's been different however, and the season has gripped the country with force. As you may have read, I support businesses within an IT company. When it becomes too cold, companies send their employees home, which in turn puts me out of work to do throughout my day.

At work, things have calmed down quite a bit since the last time I wrote an entry. I've been more content with my job, and enjoy what I'm doing. I've noticed my skill with troubleshooting issues has gone up tremendously. Now when someone calls in and says they have a 0x007B error, I know it's an Unmountable Boot Error, or if they get a 2000-0142 error code in diagnostics, it's a failed HDD. I'm not planning on leaving my current company for quite a while, but I do admit it is no where near as challenging as the job had been for me months ago. I have colleagues I enjoy talking to every day, some of which I would be as bold as to call them friends. I enjoy the little parts of my day, like that first cup of coffee or when I have a minute to breathe between cases. I've even started studying for the MCITP exam, with which my salary could double. When it comes to school, I only have two math classes left until I finish my Associate in Arts Degree for Information Technology, which I will be completing this fall most likely.

I've found a nice guy recently named Stuart that I've been really slow with. We've been talking online, going on dates, and watching some anime together. We already made plans on Valentine's day to build his new computer, talk about romantic for a nerd like myself. I can't wait for Monday when we can spend that time together. We haven't officially given each other any title or anything, which is alright with me. All I know, is I wish to continue to spend time with him.

Subjective Success

It seems a few more months have gone by, which means it's probably time to write a new blog entry for all my lurkers out there. Amazingly, or maybe not, many things have happened since my last entry. Do you ever read back on things you write and just think to yourself, how did everything get to where I'm at now? Three months ago I was at Disney with little to no direction in my life, in the hospital just waiting to hear a possible death sentence from a doctor. Yet since that time, I've acquired two jobs and blown through several relationships or relationship possibilities. Odd how life and karma seem to function.

If you look at my last post, I was head-over-heels for Alejandro, yet now it seems we don't even talk anymore. I had just started working at Crispers, yet it was just today that I called in and said I don't want to work for their company anymore. A month ago, I was offered a job at [Insert Major Corporation Here], and now make more money than what I know what to do with working all week long in my lonely little cubicle, supporting business users with their computers. If you had told me a few months ago everything I've written in this paragraph, I would have laughed for hours and thrown in a Miss Cleo joke for good measure.

But despite being labeled 'successful' by many people around me, I feel horrible. I feel lost at work, everyone around me ranging in such drastic levels of experience. The guy across from me quit the first day after training because he didn't realize how difficult it would be, yet the guy a few seats down could tell you down to registry key on why your computer doesn't work. I'm at work for nine hours daily, excluding the hour long round drive, with one hour of lunch thrown somewhere in that mess. I believe that 'success' is such a subjective word, as I don't feel the same at all.

Despite everything going so right, things pertaining to other areas of my life seem to be going so wrong. Last month I broke down three times about Steve, a relationship that closed it's chapter over three years ago. I feel gradually isolated from my friends and peers, and I'm so used to being taking advantage of when dating that I'm skiddish to become closer to anyone by turning down dates and even the opportunity to be a boyfriend.

The idea that you never realize what you love until it's gone is applying more than ever in my life. I miss the people I spent my world's yesterday with more than ever. I miss talking to those select few that know every waking detail about me as a person. I just want to grip their hand and feel warm again, but sadly a winter is coming in more ways than one.

Every day I drive to work for that hour long routine, and there's always one emotion on my mind: Regret.

Alej?

As more months go by, the time seems right for, you guessed it, another blog post! One of these days I am positive I will be able to sit down and write something that doesn't make you want to jump off a bridge, but unfortunately today, like almost all the other posts in this ridiculous recollection, is not very positive.

May 19th was the day were I was promised my life would change for the better, and as far as I could tell they were right! I had been accepted into the Walt Disney World College Program for the Fall Advantage session which runs from May 2010 to January 2011. I had been assigned the role of transportation, which I later found out was Monorail Operations. To me, this sounded like a dream job where I could utilize the monorail computers and maybe find a way to the professional internship program for Information Technology. I gladly accepted this position while I was dating Andrew in February.

Around the time I was leaving to go to Disney, I had been apart from Andrew for almost two months, and during that time I had become close with my friend I noted in previous blogs Alejandro. I was starting to really grow on him from something I didn't even think was there. I started sleeping over at his house, and after a while I started to hug him more than a friend, and eventually start with the soft intimate kisses I've grown to love. At this point in time I was confused what was going on, but I knew for sure I liked him. The time to leave for Disney was arriving quickly, and the thought to date Alejandro crossed my mind. I decided to push that thought off to the side, scared of another long distance relationship messing up.

A few weeks later I was invited to a send off party in Southwest Ranches, Florida about four hours south of Tampa by a guy named Zackery. He was so sweet and just as excited as I was about going to Disney. I slept over at his house for the weekend, and with the exception of drama from unimportant people, it turned out fantastic. Zack and I started hugging and kissing during the weekend, and eventually, we agreed to date as he would be living in my apartment complex in Orlando.

On my way home from Southwest Ranches, I called Alejandro and told him about Zack and I starting to date. Alej was notably upset but pretended it didn't bother him much over the phone. We got off the phone, and I listened to my music for a while in the car, thinking about everything. After an hour or so went by, I gave Alej a call again to see how he was doing. This time he didn't hide that he was upset. That's when my chest became tight and regret began to sink in. I drove to his apartments and held him for literally hours as we were both upset. The next day was no better, when he was upset at work as well, so I once again went to comfort him for a few hours.

I had made a huge mistake, one that still puts me through pain as I type this. I realized that I loved Alej, and how everything I had wanted was right here in Tampa with him. After a day or two longer, I split my relationship with Zack citing long distance issues with our relationship and maybe we could try again in Orlando, but that would never happen.

Things started going back to normal with Alej and I. We were once again hugging, kissing, and sleeping in the same bed. Everything felt okay again and I grew ever closer to him. He, Joe, and James helped me pack up for Disney the day before my arrival date, and again all seemed well. I checked in and went through the orientation and traditions class. I was then assigned to my apartment and to my work location at the monorails. I would typically work five days a week and then have two days off at a time. Every single day I had off while I was in the Disney College Program I drove an hour and a half each way from Orlando to Tampa just to see Alejandro.

After about a month into the program my feelings started to change about things drastically. All I could think about was Alejandro and when we would spend time together next. I also thought about how much I was starting to dislike Disney. Disney forced me to use my legal name rather than the name I've been using for half a decade, worked me in shifts that were the legal minimum of eight hours apart back to back, prohibited me from wearing my Buddhist mala, found out Disney outsourced most of their IT jobs reducing my internship chances, and paying $360/month to share a room in an apartment with five other people. I was starting to feel homesick and lonely in Orlando and just wanted to go back home.

A month into the internship I asked Alejandro to be my boyfriend, and he told me he couldn't give me an answer at the moment. We kept hugging, kissing, being intimate, and basically everything that would constitute a relationship. Was I wrong to assume that he wanted to be with me? Two weeks passed and I was resting my head on him while laying down on his bed and I brought the question up again. This time he told me "I think it would be best if we were just friends". I didn't understand this response at all. Had we not been so close these past weeks? But still nothing changed. I kept sleeping over at his place holding him in my arms while I slept, kissing him, as if nothing had changed.

A week later I was at work when my heart rate accelerated dangerously high for over five minutes. An ambulance was called and I was rushed to the hospital. After five hours of being watched by doctors I was released. They said I had a severe potassium deficiency, likely from sweating it all out on the job which caused heart palpitations. I was sent home and given an entire work week off. During that entire time I recovered at Alejandro's house. When I got there he stopped embracing me or being too affectionate, and by the end of the week, he had stopped kissing me. His reasoning was he "was sick" and didn't feel like it, so I thought nothing of it.

That weekend I had decided it was time for me to come back to Tampa where I belong. I started looking for a job and found one within a few days at a salad restaurant. The next week I said goodbye to my friends and allowed my family in the parks for the last time. I walked to the commons office and terminated myself, turning in my last belongings to head home. When I arrived at Alej's, now he had stopped even hugging me often or being a little affectionate.

Over the past week and weekend we have spent time together, but it hurts more with every day. Alej states that the main reason why he won't date me is because I dated Zack for those few days. I have stood by his side every single day I've had available and at this point I don't know what to do. I don't want to just be friends as it would just break me slowly. What kills me is there is absolutely no way I can make this situation better. If someone loves you, why would they reject to be with you downright? Until then I sit here numb towards relationships. All I can do is leave him alone.

Lost for Words

I never claimed to be perfect, and as any human would, I make mistakes. I also don't claim to be right all of the time, so as a disclaimer, this blog is entirely from my own perception and may be wrong completely. A little over a week ago, Andrew and I broke up on St. Patrick's day. Just as with all of our other problems in our past, it was a result of a communication error, which doesn't surprise me in the least bit. I received a call while I was at Starbucks with Nikki and Alejandro, two of a few friends I recently started spending time with on a regular basis. Andrew sounded very upset, and quickly told me he thought it would be best if we took a break. Hearing this, I had assumed "taking a break" meant breaking up completely and became very upset and embarrassed as my friends heard and watched the entire scene unfold.

I was upset and hurt, and was not expecting it in the least bit. I said okay and hung up the phone (only later would he tell me that he had asked me to call him back at a later date, which I don't remember hearing). At this point I was embarrassed in front of all my friends and doing all I could not to cry. They invited me to go to a restaurant called the "Tilted Kilt" on Dale Mabry to celebrate the holiday and hopefully feel a bit better. Nikki's husband joined us with a few of his friends, and for the first hour we just stood around talking in the bar area. I had talked to Cari (one of my best friend's) through text and invited her to meet us there.

Cari came within a few minutes and we were seated to our table. I briefly talked to her what happened, and let her know I was a little upset, but put on a game face so I wouldn't spoil anyone else's good time. That's when the trouble began to happen. Alej started rubbing my knee under the table to try and cheer me up, nothing promiscuous or sexual in nature about it. Cari seeing this said "Wow, you're already over Andrew? That was fast." That was strike one for me, and I tried harder not to cry at all. As the meal went by, I couldn't help but notice that Cari was texting an awful lot. Peering closer to her phone, the words "Andrew" read clear. Strike two for Cari, as I was already feeling horrible to begin with.

We finished up our meals and were having a good time. Nikki, Cari, Alej, and I started walking towards the door to leave. As we stepped outside, Cari looked at Alej and I who happened to be parked in the same area. She slowly said "Don't do anything stupid tonight" and eyed Alej up and down and then glanced back at me. That was strike three, I briefly said bye and I walked to my car as quick as I could. I was upset, and my best friend had done nothing to help me, and in fact made the situation even more painful.

Later the next day I was starting to think maybe I was overreacting that that Cari was there for me. I checked my facebook and hers, where it said she commented on Andrew's relationship status where she wrote something along the lines of "If you need anyone to talk to, you have my number". At this point I was feeling a little betrayed that my best friend that has supported me for years, suddenly didn't care about me, but went out of her way for my now ex.

I talked to Cari and told her I was upset laster on. At first she responded saying that she was sorry for hurting my feelings, which I forgave. But then, not ten minutes later she started saying that she did nothing wrong. I told Cari I needed some time away from her for the time being.

After a full week, Andrew contacted me saying he was coming to Tampa and that he wanted to come by and pick up his stuff that Friday (last Friday from this post). When he came buy he sat on my bed and we talked for over an hour (or maybe I should say I listened to Andrew tell me how inadequate and crappy boyfriend I am for an hour), and after holding it in for a week, I finally just let it all go and cried. After the discussion he then took his fridge, his chair, his computer adapters, his shoes, and every jacket except one as I don't have any jackets myself. My room feels empty, which matches how I had been feeling emotionally for some time now.

The problem with all of this is, I can honestly say I love Andrew, and all I really want for the both of us is to be happy. I have known him for over three years and this was the second time I have dated him. He is a gamer like me, and is a member of our online gaming family. So what exactly happened?

Unfortunately, even I don't understand completely, but I can say how I see it from my perspective. The weekend before St. Patricks Day was the weekend of Megacon, a three day anime convention in Orlando loaded with hundreds of vendors, events, cosplay, and art. I had made plans to spend the entire weekend with my friends that I had been building a bond with, namely Nikki, Alej, Breton, and Donni. On the other hand, Andrew made plans for me to spend time with him, go watch a movie with him and a friend on Saturday night, sleep over Saturday night, and spend more time with him and his family on Sunday. Considering I would be moving to Orlando soon, I did not realize what the big deal was for me to spend the entire three days with my friends in the hotel, where I could just have some time alone.

I expected Andrew to buy a one day pass and spend some time with me on one of those days. To my dismay, Andrew decided to buy and entire weekend ticket to the convention and choose to stay there all three days. At first the weekend started out great with him on Friday, where he brought me a rose and some vegan chocolate, which made me more than happy. But as time went on, I felt more and more pressure by him to do things he had planned when I hadn't even planned for him to come for more than a few hours over the weekend! Instead of going off on his own, he stayed next to me almost all of the time on Friday and Saturday, gradually making me feel overwhelmed by his presence, but I accommodated him being there as best as I could. On Saturday, I talked to him and told him that I would be unable to watch the movie with him and his friend, but instead offered him to come with us to a late night dinner, which he gladly accepted and from what I could tell, we all had a great time. On the way there he protested that he wanted me to sleepover at his house for the night, and in my eyes, completely defeated the purpose of having a hotel for an anime convention, so I also declined.

At this point he became increasingly frustrated with me, but let me stay with my friends anyways and he drove back to his parent's house. My friend's and I went to Blockbuster and rented a steampunk themed movie to watch back at the hotel room. At around three in the morning, I was on Skype on my iPod Touch, Andrew messaged me. After discussing what had happened earlier, he started talking about more plans for that Sunday. I became upset and told him I felt like he was overbearing and stressing me out pressuring me into doing his schedule when I had thought the convention we just dropped hundreds of dollars on should be the main focus. We both became very upset, but I slept it off.

The next day, Andrew and I didn't see each other until late in the afternoon. At this point I was exhausted and could barely stay awake, but I spent more time with Andrew. We all decided to go eat at Johny Rockets, where once again Andrew seemed more than happy in our group. Afterwards, we did our final shopping at the convention and started leaving. I said goodbye to Andrew and drove back home with everyone else in Tampa.

This brings us back to St. Patrick's day. I had a long day at work and drove home. Andrew had called me twice, and I asked him why he had called twice when it meant I was busy doing something. I understand now that it may have sounded harsh, but I had not intended it to sound as such. Andrew then called me a few hours later upset, which is where the start of this entry began.

All in all, I love Andrew very much, but I felt like he was always pressing down on me. I really do care about him and it still hurts not to be with him. It's not enjoyable to watch his life go by in a news feed on facebook or twitter. I hope things between us will become better soon, because simply put, I just care about him. Every time I've talked to him recently, he's given me this mean tone of voice and unwelcoming attitude, which hurts. I just want to be there for him, even if not as a lover.

As for Cari, I feel very distrustful. Nearing the end of Andrew and I's relationship, she was talking and supporting Andrew more than me, and at the end I felt thrown aside and attacked altogether. Even when Andrew was over picking up his belongings, his phone would vibrate showing a new text message from you. What does that say about our relationship?

I feel upset, hurt, betrayed, distrustful, and bitter lately. I've lost the man I love, and one of my best friends I trusted with my all my secrets. I know I made some grave mistakes in my relationship with Andrew, and I'm not going to pretend like I'm completely innocent, because I'm not. At times I was selfish and greedy, and only thought about how I would progress. I did things I'm ashamed of, and I will pray for forgiveness unto myself. I've picked up the pieces that weren't taken from me, and I've been trying to keep moving forward. So, what exactly do I do now?

Living With Rx's and Ex's

I'm so sorry everyone, It's been so long since I've had the time to sit down and actually write a blog entry. I would like to clarify that I have not and never will abandon my blog if at all possible. As of late, I've been constantly busy with school, work, my social life, my gaming social life, boyfriend, and unfortunately with medical complications.

Andrew and I are getting close to our six month anniversary, marking him as the longest steady relationship since Steve and I. It's becoming more natural every day with Andrew, and for that I'm very glad. The excitement of dating has seemed to fade, but I love him no less than day one, and appreciate his constant tender loving care he gives me every day. Every weekend, we meet either at my place in Tampa, or his place in Leesburg to spend time together, with the exception of last weekend. We were starting to feel a little overwhelmed with each others presence all the time, so we mutually agreed to take a weekend off of our normal meeting schedule.

Over the past four or five months, I've unfortunately been experiencing many bothersome medical conditions. If you do not enjoy reading details that may be disgusting, feel free to skip the next three paragraphs. It all started with a sharp pain in my right groin area, which lasted for a few weeks. Gradually, the pain started spreading to my lower right abdomen and across my pelvis region. This is around the time I went to my primary physician, who diagnosed me with a sinus infection, of which I still don't understand. From there it became worse and spread further up my abdomen. I returned back to my doctor a few days later, so he had me run some urine samples, which came back with blood in them. At this point my doctor referred me to a Urologist in the area and had me take several CT scans, none of which came back with anything. The Urologist performed many invasive exams including a prostate exam and other exams which I don't recall the name for. The Urologist scheduled me for a Cystoscopy, but cancelled it on the day of the procedure after more tests came back inconclusive. The only thing they found was a small cyst on my kidney, which would most likely have no effect on me.

Alright, I could accept that, so I went back to my general physician where he put me on generic antibiotics just in case I had an infection. A few weeks later I started having severe crippling cold spells that left me shaking in bed with my temperature dropping to almost a hypothermia level and dull chest pain. That Saturday, Andrew drove me to the Urgent Care Center to investigate why I was having such severe symptoms. At the Urgent Care Center, I was placed into a freezing room while I was going through cold spells for hours until they could take x-rays of my chest. The results showed very little, so they diagnosed me with Costocondritis (inflammation of the rib cage). A few weeks later passed by and I started bleeding when using either form of going to the restroom.

I then went to my primary physician who referred me to a Gastroenterologist, took some blood samples, and had me take half a dozen, more invasive x-rays and CT scans of my body (all of which came back with no results). The Gastroenterologist put me on acid blockers and scheduled an EGD (camera in your stomach) procedure. Two weeks later I went through with the procedure, had biopsies taken from my stomach, but still received normal results. Two weeks later I started having heavy chest pain in my right rib cage and difficulty breathing, with all inhalers failing to affect me. Then my Gastroenterologist then scheduled a colonoscopy, which also came back with no unusual results with the exception of small hemroids (but the type almost everyone has at all times). My Gastroenterologist compiled all the results from all past visits at my appointment yesterday morning to tell me I have IBS, which still does not explain any of my symptoms in my torso. So now we're back to what seems to be the beginning, with symptoms and no explanation. I'm starting to give up on the medical field to be honest. I will be returning to my primary physician soon to try and figure out why I'm having trouble breathing.

An interesting development in my life is that Steve contacted me. Now I know that if you've read my blogs from my past, you're probably thinking I'm a bit crazy right now, but let me explain. I had been reading my normal gaming news when I heard the announcement that Final Fantasy XIV Online had opened applications for a lottery beta application entry. In response to this exciting news, I sent a mass text message out on my phone, that coincidently hit even the people I don't like or don't talk to anymore. A little after midnight that night I received a call from a worried Steve who really just wanted to talk to me.

I was skeptical at first, and quite honestly filled with pain and resentment, but decided to give the guy a chance to explain his reasoning for calling me. He and his partner of now three years had been in a fight earlier that night, so Steve snuck out of his house to call and talk to his last real friend since he and Peter formed their relationship, me. You see the irony in this picture, was that during the two years I was with Steve, I was never allowed to have friends or talk to many people from Steve's jealously, and now the tides had turned. Steve told me how he is not allowed to talk to anyone because of Peter's jealousy. At this point I started feeling a little upset, not because I was talking to my ex-partner, but that I would have never wished for him to suffer in the same way he had put me through. he legitimately sounded worried and maybe even a little scared that his boyfriend would find out that he contacted me.

He told me that he had become a vegetarian a while back, a change from the same person who condemned me to hell because I wouldn't eat meat. He became an atheist in the time we had apart, seeing the flaws and hypocrisy in the bible, and he told me he wanted to go to college and be a psychology major when three years ago he would have said school was stupid and unnecessary. In that moment I started crying without letting Steve catch on to it, because I realized the one person I have had nightmares about for years, the one person I always tried to forgive but couldn't, doesn't exist anymore. Steve has changed so much over the past three years, what selfish motive do I have to hate him for?

For once I felt sorry for him, and for the first time in years I felt like his friend again, if only for the two hours we talked together. I understand now, and I forgive Steve for what he had done to me in the past. I still haven't heard from him since that phone call, but I smile knowing I still have Steve as a friend, no matter the amount of time that goes by.

In school, I am close to finishing my Associates in Arts degree with only a single math class remaining after I finish this semester. I'm planning on applying for the Fall Advantage Disney Internship program which runs from May 2010 to January 2011 as an Information Technology intern and finishing my AA degree online over the summer while I attend the program. Hillsborough Community College and I butted heads for a while when they informed me that when they graduated me from my CCC CCNA technical degree, they also graduated me from the entire college, effectively blocking me from finishing my AA degree. After talking to an admissions advisor, I had the issue fixed and I'm just waiting for my scholarship money to come through any day now. I'll keep you posted on how my classes turn out.

In my gaming life, I have been playing AION Online for the past three months, reaching level 35 on my Sorcerer character on the Lumiel server (Elyos faction). I've been playing with Andrew, Rukira, and Demicent from Final Fantasy XI, as well as some new friends I've made along the way like Momo, Pyro, and Zareth. I'm hoping to hit the max level, level fifty, before the Final Fantasy XIV Online open beta launches, which is also the time everyone I mentioned will quit AION.

This weekend, Andrew and I are attending Elliott's Winter Carnival, a seasonal furry party located in Orlando, Florida. I can't wait to see all my friends that I haven't seen in a few months! Anyways, that's all for now, I'll try to keep up to date, but time always seems to get the best of me.

Life Value Clarification

This was my final paper for my General Psychology class. It was intended to fulfill the Gordon Rule law with 1,715 words as well as provide insight about ourselves to, well ourselves:

1. What do you specifically want in life?
In life, there are many things I would want to have, but the better question for me would be "What do you need in life?" The first thing you should know about me before proceeding to the next twenty-two questions is that I am Buddhist, and I believe that I should avoid earthly attachments whenever possible. All I really need is food, water, and a group of people to love and accept me.

2. What are your basic beliefs?
As I said in the previous question, I am a Nichiren-Shu Buddhist. I believe in unconditional love for those around me, even if it may be easier said than done. I am also a Vegan, meaning I eat no animal products. I believe that cruelty towards any being, including eating animals, seriously contradicts my belief of unconditional love.

3. If money wasn't a problem what would you really want or do?
If money wasn't a problem, I would probably fly all over the world to see where my religious practice originated from. I would probably erase any debt I had and help fund a local temple or religious center. I would secure a home in a small living area and finally buy a car that would take me places without endangering my health. I would help fund a center for furthering our studies in technological research in computers or programming languages.

4. The key to success is to follow your passion. The trick is to identify your passion. What is your passion?
My passion is to keep learning throughout my entire life whether it is through religion, technology, or other forms. I firmly believe the day you stop learning is the day your life ends, rather than the day your body gives out.

5. Compare yourself to an inanimate object and why?
I think the best inanimate object to relate to would be water. Through your life, you change and mold to your surroundings, just as water does in its own environment. You may change completely into a new form, but you are always still there. Your mind and body are forever changing, just as water is always changing. Even when you die, you are still here in some form, whether it's spiritual or physical. I believe I am very transparent in what I do, just as water is transparent.

6. What would you like to have accomplished by the end of your life?
I would like to have learned as much as I could at the end of my life, and had the opportunity to spread it to the generation after me. Education is very important in my life, and having learned so much without passing it on would be such a waste. I would want to have helped support a cause for what I believe is right. This could be done in many ways, something small like volunteering for an animal rights group, or something as large as helping erect a local temple for others in my Sangha (Buddhist Community) to share with me.

7. What biographical information would you like the newspaper to include in your obituary?
I would like the newspaper to identify what I did for the community and for people around me. I would love to be known as a teacher who made a difference, even if it was a difference only a few saw.

8. What would your spouse, friends, children, boss, enemies add to the obituary?
I would hope that my spouse would say that he loved me very much, and that the rest had cared for me, and admired my honesty and friendship while I was still present with them.

9. In only one or two sentences, describe how you want to be perceived and remembered?
Kito was a man of kindness and love, who watched out for everyone around him. He practiced compassion to everyone in their times of need.

10. If you could (and you can) change one aspect of your behavior what would it be?
If I could change one aspect of my behavior, I would control my selfish desires with more ease. I grew up for years were it was always felt like a competition to get whatever I wanted. I would have to go to selfish lengths, to cheat, lie, or steal to succeed. I look back and no longer want to be that person. I want to be able to give to others as much as I can. This selfishness caused me not to trust everyone around me. For about a year I would not talk to anyone, because I feared that everyone would betray me eventually. This caused unneeded anxiety in my life and hindered my ability to be social with others.

11. In one word completely describe yourself?
Empathy. I feel compassion towards those around me. I feel what others feel, which comes as a double edged sword. It can help put me in almost a manic mood of happiness, or it can cripple me in pain and sorrow. It all depends on who is around me, and what they are feelings.

12. Don't think your feeling's: be your feelings. What are your feelings?
I feel love, I care for so much and want to protect it. I want to be there for people, to let them know it's okay and that it's okay to be scared. I'm constantly scared, but I don't give in. I push forward rather than stay behind and turn to dust. I feel sorrow for those people who have failed themselves, and have little possibility of recovering. I want to help so much, but there is so little I feel I can accomplish sometimes.

13. Tell me something about yourself: something no one else knows.
[Removed from public version.]

14. If you had one wish, what would it be?
I would wish that suffering would finally end in this world, that everyone would reach enlightenment. I believe everyone has the potential to reach enlightenment eventually, but if everyone were to reach it at once, suffering would inevitably end.

15. What is your favorite sound and why?
For some reason, I really enjoy classical music, bells, and chimes. This coincidently helps me stay calm in group meditation that have chimes or through classical music during a normal day. When listening to a song or melody with words, I get easily distracted and can't focus on anything that I had originally wanted to get done. But when listening to classical, I can feel the mood, or lack thereof while still retaining the ability to concentrate.

16. What sound do you hate and why?
There are several sounds I hate beyond belief. For one, I hate the sound of screaming, it sends chills up my spine. When I tried getting into screamo rock in high school, I finally gave up because it made me so uncomfortable. The second sound I absolutely hate is crying. It's almost always an indicator that something is terribly wrong or that the person is severely hurt, neither of which I like experiencing or seeing others experience.

17. What is your favorite word and why?
My favorite word would probably be 犬 or いぬ, which is pronounced "inu", meaning dog. I have always felt such a strong attachment to dogs in particular, but never liked the word dog. When I learned Japanese, everyone called dogs 犬, which I liked more, and started to use.

18. What is your least favorite word and why?
My least favorite word is "faggot". It is one of the most derogatory words I have ever heard. It has come to mean a bad description of being gay. One of the most harmful words my enemies had always yelled at me in the past was "faggot", and it hit home hard. I'm gay myself, and so is my dad. It just feels like a direct attack on a part of me I cannot change, nor do I think it is wrong or bad.

19. What profession would you like to attempt and why?
My dream profession would be an Information Technology professor. I know I'm talented in the Information Technology field and advanced in it for my age, and I would love to share that knowledge with others that want it. When I retire, I would hope to become a Monk for my current school of Buddhism that I would be practicing, another way I could spread knowledge to those who need it.

20. What profession would you never be in and why?
I would never be a slaughterhouse worker. Just seeing videos of the job itself is horrifying to me. I can't imagine ever killing beings for a living. Very little regard to how the animals feel or what it feels like to have your throat slit alive. It just seems so barbaric to me.

21. Anger is always fear. Always the fear of loss. What is your fear and why?
My fear is to be alone and to make no difference in anyone's life. I am afraid that no one will understand. My worst nightmares are when people can't hear my voice when I want to save them, for them to know I'm there. As you can tell from previous questions, I strive to help others, and to fail to do so scares me immensely. I want to help as much as I possibly can, even when I realize that my help is not enough.

22. If heaven exists - What do you hope God says to you upon arrival?
I do not believe in god or heaven. I believe Buddha to be the great teacher who reached enlightenment in our world millennia ago. I believe he left the dharma for us to learn from so we could also travel the path to enlightenment.

23. What would you answer God?
Just as I answered in the previous question, I do not believe in god. But if I were to answer Buddha, I would thank him for his effect on my life, bringing calmness to me in so many ways. He is the ultimate teacher, my hero, and my idol.

Unfortunate Relapse

I probably shouldn't write an entry in my current emotional state, but I've decided to go against my better judgment this time around. It's incredible what effect memories can have on your daily life. That spot at the grocery store you may always visit, that neighborhood you will always avoid like the plague, or the road you no longer travel on. I certainly doubt I am the only one, but does everyone feel so overwhelmed with those memories from the past?

Thinking now, all my fears, all my daily habits, just my general behavior is directly influenced from those memories. For example, I will always go to the shell gas station outside of my neighborhood district even if it's out of the way, for if I go to the one not a mile north of it, I will stagger in memories from my ex-partner. It almost seems like anything within a mile of his home, is no man's land for me. Just being in the area instills fear into my chest. Does everyone experience the nightmares of the past I have grown so used to?

I recognize I have a lingering mental problem of this irrational fear, and I want to so desperately fix it. I have lost two lovers that I would have taken a bullet for, and after each loss, I feel even farther from the rest of the people close to me. Those two relationships were the results of years of devoted care and attention, and all that remain are there haunting memories of their loss.

What troubles me so much is that I do not feel alone at the moment. I am currently dating Andrew, the man who helped me escape the hardships of my ex partner. We have been dating for almost three weeks now and I honestly couldn't be any happier. We started dating two weeks after Beau and I separated, as he had to move to Tennessee. He unfortunately was unable to find a job in Tampa and sadly ran out of money that allowed him to remain within close in distance from me. But Andrew and Beau have been so supportive for me, and there for each step I take.

So why do I still go into these sudden relapses of a hellish state of mind? Even if it lasts for only an hour or two, the pain it causes during that time is immense and certainly takes a toll on my health. Do you remember those slide viewers you would hold up to the light as a kid and pull the lever to see the next slide? Well, the experience is similar in many ways to my past. In my mind I'm seeing those slides, slightly faded, pictures of both the happiest days of my life, like the day Steve proposed to me as I sat on his bed or the days Brett and I spent walking around in Jugner Forest in game. The next slide showing the worst days of my life, watching the blood stain Steve's clothes, the days Brett would stand next to me in game, and pretend I didn't exist for months at a time.

But how do you prevent such relapses? Tonight I was completely fine when I woke up from a nap after a hard day's work. I called Andrew and was able to speak with him for a few minutes while I made dinner, then laid down to study for my final semester of CCNA. iTunes was open on my computer and I set it to play the Piano Collections from Final Fantasy XI. One moment I'm reading about permanent virtual circuits, the next I realize I'm crying into relapse. Something that wouldn't have made me relapse yesterday, throws me into it at full force tonight. Interesting how the human mind can work.

So unfortunately I close this entry for now. My Rx tonight will be some hot tea, some silent meditation, and much needed rest. Only time will tell what the future holds for me.